I’m off. I’ve got to log out & do what needs to be done

[Mr. Incapable]

I'm logging out and leaving the forum. I know my accounts not that old and many of you don't know me very well, but I've been a user of this site for a while. First lurked back in 2020 then made an account under the name hfdepression30 in 2021 before leaving and coming back recently. Anyway.. life is getting worse. The pressure of life versus my inability to live is becoming too strong and I'm entering into a state of high stress and panic. I know if I stay on this forum it's going to continue to distract me and I really need to put myself first and allow myself to have the best chance to CTB. This forum is too easy to vent on and spend time reading to the point I lose that moment of built up courage and emotion to actually do it. I'm stressed. Shit news and pressure is spilling out like a dam about to burst. I wish I didn't eat half an hour ago. I literally about to throw up. I'm running out of time. I know it sounds like I'm entering a state of impulse and panic and that's because I am.. and hopefully this gives me the nudge to get it over and done with. I'm literally dreading tomorrow. I don't want to live to see what other shit tomorrow is going to bring. I need to log out, wipe my phone, spend some time getting my things in order and I need to try and find an exit today. I need to be brave. So many people have CTB so my life isn't anything special or different. I just need to do it.

I won't be back even if I fail. I need to try and try and try even if it takes all day, all night, even if it takes til tomorrow.. I can't do this shit anymore

 

[Life_and_Death]

So many people have CTB so my life isn't anything special or different

i know you said you wont be back but maybe youll still come back and read just not log in.
i just wanted to tell you that you are different. youre you and no one else is you. no one has your personality or the story that brought you here.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful and I know that this life can be unbearable when you suffer so much. I understand the feeling of being desperate to escape from everything. It is sad how life makes us endure so much agony. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. Best wishes.

 

[eve2004]

To reach that point of impulsivity is really painful. I hurt for you.

 

[Euthanza]

I'm sorry things have gone bad for you. I'll be here for a thousand days maybe more if I don't fuck up the plan myself. I wish you find what you need. Peace.

 

[keitaro]

may you find relief from your pain~

 

[Klophy]

Goodbye, I hope you're able to find peace.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Best of luck. I hope you find peace.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I hope you can get some relief and your peace, regardless if you decide to go, and even if you decide to stay. Best of luck.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Hi guys. Long time no see. As you can tell from this message I wasn't able to go through with it back then. I tried so hard that day that the rope left red marks on my neck for days. I thought about my situation for a few days as my money run out completely, I felt lost and incapable (as my name suggests), but then I decided to try and buy myself more time. I applied for a job as a last ditch attempt to try and get some stability back to my life while I figure things out and guess what - I got it. I did so well that both interviewers (from different departments)wanted me - but you'll never guess what else, and you may find it pretentious or hypocritical, but the job is at a mental health hospital. Anyway, I can't say I feel much better - the last 7-8 months felt exciting to finally have money and can enjoy some simple pleasures but the novelty have worn thin and I'm back to how I felt - how I've always felt. My neighbour committed suicide a few days before new years - that was a total shock since she was always so happy (or at least she seemed). She was the same age as me and she hung herself. I've thought about her death a lot since then as I've tried countless times to hang myself but failed. I wonder how many times she tried before she died.. anyway. I don't know if I'll be active again or not but I suddenly thought about the forum today and felt like writing something. Hope everyone is doing ok. I wonder how many names are still here that I once knew.. as my original post says I first found SS in 2020 so it's been a while. I'm sure there's so many new people here. So hi and see you around maybe

 

[Emmie]

Hi guys. Long time no see. As you can tell from this message I wasn't able to go through with it back then. I tried so hard that day that the rope left red marks on my neck for days. I thought about my situation for a few days as my money run out completely, I felt lost and incapable (as my name suggests), but then I decided to try and buy myself more time. I applied for a job as a last ditch attempt to try and get some stability back to my life while I figure things out and guess what - I got it. I did so well that both interviewers (from different departments)wanted me - but you'll never guess what else, and you may find it pretentious or hypocritical, but the job is at a mental health hospital. Anyway, I can't say I feel much better - the last 7-8 months felt exciting to finally have money and can enjoy some simple pleasures but the novelty have worn thin and I'm back to how I felt - how I've always felt. My neighbour committed suicide a few days before new years - that was a total shock since she was always so happy (or at least she seemed). She was the same age as me and she hung herself. I've thought about her death a lot since then as I've tried countless times to hang myself but failed. I wonder how many times she tried before she died.. anyway. I don't know if I'll be active again or not but I suddenly thought about the forum today and felt like writing something. Hope everyone is doing ok. I wonder how many names are still here that I once knew.. as my original post says I first found SS in 2020 so it's been a while. I'm sure there's so many new people here. So hi and see you around maybe

I enjoyed talking to you last summer and I'd wondered several times since then if you had gone through with it. Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. I'm sorry your attitude on life hasn't changed. I'm currently trying recovery myself, but I can't stand it and my SN and benzos are ten feet from where I'm typing this. Some of us just aren't built for this world and meditation, careers, hobbies, dating, journaling, exercising, and so on aren't going to change that.

It's very sad and moving to think you and your neighbor were going through something similar but neither of you knew it.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I enjoyed talking to you last summer and I'd wondered several times since then if you had gone through with it. Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. I'm sorry your attitude on life hasn't changed. I'm currently trying recovery myself, but I can't stand it and my SN and benzos are ten feet from where I'm typing this. Some of us just aren't built for this world and meditation, careers, hobbies, dating, journaling, exercising, and so on aren't going to change that.

It's very sad and moving to think you and your neighbor were going through something similar but neither of you knew it.

Emmie! You're still here. How are you? I really wish I had made it back then.. I had researched so much and attempted several times so I thought I could finally pull it off, and I do think I gave it a lot of effort but it just wasn't happening. I used to not care so much about the 'sweet spot' because alongside suspended and partial hanging, there are several cases of strangulation and self strangulation that I didn't think it would matter, but I think it really does matter now in my case and I'll struggle to do it unless I can hit the sweet spot.

Sorry to hear you're still struggling but it's good that you're trying to help yourself and recover even though you still feel this way and you're trying to figure things out. It's nice to know there's an exit, just in case. Getting this job helped me get back on track in terms of being able to afford my rent and food, but other than that it didn't fix my depression or the fact I'd rather be dead. What's kept you going so far?

I wish I knew more about my neighbours death, and I could find out but it feels rude to ask. I know she did it from the stair case but I wonder things like what did she use as her noose or was she suspended or was it partial. She was found by the other neighbour who spotted her through the window so she knows everything but I don't have the nerve to ask. All I know is her beloved dog was in the house when she did it and she was thought to be there about a day before she was found.

 

[Emmie]

Emmie! You're still here. How are you? I really wish I had made it back then.. I had researched so much and attempted several times so I thought I could finally pull it off, and I do think I gave it a lot of effort but it just wasn't happening. I used to not care so much about the 'sweet spot' because alongside suspended and partial hanging, there are several cases of strangulation and self strangulation that I didn't think it would matter, but I think it really does matter now in my case and I'll struggle to do it unless I can hit the sweet spot.

Sorry to hear you're still struggling but it's good that you're trying to help yourself and recover even though you still feel this way and you're trying to figure things out. It's nice to know there's an exit, just in case. Getting this job helped me get back on track in terms of being able to afford my rent and food, but other than that it didn't fix my depression or the fact I'd rather be dead. What's kept you going so far?

I wish I knew more about my neighbours death, and I could find out but it feels rude to ask. I know she did it from the stair case but I wonder things like what did she use as her noose or was she suspended or was it partial. She was found by the other neighbour who spotted her through the window so she knows everything but I don't have the nerve to ask. All I know is her beloved dog was in the house when she did it and she was thought to be there about a day before she was found.

Maybe hanging will only work for you if you can get lucky and enter into either an extremely manic and impulsive state or experience one of those profound feelings of resignation and certitude that some CTB survivors report having. Have you thought about SN now that you have the time and money to plan something more elaborate? It's only going to get harder to find, so it may be wise to acquire some now just in case. Since you've been gone there have been some failed SN attempts from users here, but most of them appeared to have not taken the appropriate amount or they didn't drink a second glass of SN after they vomited. Then there was another sad thread where a woman may have been sent sodium nitrate, not nitrite, by accident. I still think it's a viable method with a great track record, plus most failed attempts result in a full recovery.

You seemed so ready to leave in your final few posts last summer. Does it feel surreal to be alive? I know I and some others here feel like part of us died when we failed our serious attempts. It takes a lot out of you emotionally and spiritually, I think.

I don't really want to recover, but I just want to be sure that I gave life one final chance. I'm working with a medical geneticist, social workers, and a psychiatric team. I also exercise a lot and do things to force myself to think for the future, like setting up an investment and retirement account that I put money into. I also have this huge dry erase board where I give myself daily tasks to accomplish to feel motivated like chores, self-improvement things, and language learning. Long-distance walking and moderate alcohol use are the only things that really keep suicidal thoughts at bay. I need to walk at least three to four hours a day to feel even remotely at peace with being alive.

I am in my late thirties and would be about forty before some of my efforts began to bear fruit. I am asexual and indifferent to society so there is nothing to motivate me like wanting to have a child or find love or career success. I still look fairly young on the outside (people often think I'm in my 20s), which is common with autistic people for some reason, but on the inside I feel like an old soul who is tired and very ready to leave. Dying in my thirties feels right. I don't want to experience middle age and all the new problems that arrive with it.

Your story about the neighbor is very interesting. A man and a woman, both older millennials, killed themselves separately (with firearms) here in my small town in the autumn. Despite the fact that both of them had struggled for years people here seemed taken by surprise. It makes me think of that Yukio Mishima quote, "It is absolutely wrong to assume that others are in a position to understand our deepest feelings."

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I don't know what's it's going to take.. I've tried to hang myself whilst calm and planned, and also when I've been hypermanic and impulsive. I think if it's going to work it's going to be whenever I can find that magic moment to fit the sweet spot and slip away into unconsciousness. I still think about people like Haruma Miura or Sulli - how did they do it and I can't?! I still haven't considered SN even though I have the money for it if I wanted. It's been about 3 years now since I first discovered what SN is but I can't say it's ever been a method or choice I've felt drawn to - I think for several reasons, mostly the fear of being scammed and the police intercepting it (I've heard those story since 2020 and I can't imagine it's any easier in 2023). I can understand why many people feel safe or comforted by SN though.

My world was crushing back when I last posted. Everything was coming to an end and the pressure of existing was becoming unbearable. No money, no prospects, on the verge of becoming homeless, a burden, it was all too much to bear. The fact I managed to get this job is a miracle - and quite laughable considering it's in a mental health hospital (the same place I was sectioned 12 years ago). I daren't ever tell my manager or colleagues I was once on the ward. So it does feel surreal to still be alive but also I've always known deep down that it's only to buy myself more time. Since the beginning of 2020 when I quit my job and quit university (as a mature student), up until my last post on here my life was just a disaster, a rollercoaster of emotions and a total mess. So after I got this job I really tried to live for a little while and enjoy simple things without thinking about death. Buying myself new clothes, investing in some hobbies or interests, doing a proper food shop and cooking meals I really wanted and enjoyed to make, seeing family, spending time with my sister and the cats. It was nice while it lasted but it's not reality for me. I've bottled my emotions for the last 6 months and they're all bursting back. I could only suppress it for so long.

The way you describe yourself feels similar to myself. I'm 33 this year (can I call myself mid thirties?) and I'm also asexual, so there's no desire for a relationship or a family of my own. I think a lot of people don't understand this and misinterpret the kind of person I am. Maybe they think I'm shy or unconfident but I just don't think or feel the same way as most others, especially my colleagues who are all older than me, have their own families, children and dreams.

Do you find the support you receive from the mental health workers is beneficial or helpful at all? I've only ever been known to services for about two months back in 2010 when I was sectioned but never spoke or sought help from a professional. Mostly because I didn't want to be helped. Now I work in a mental health hospital and see/hear the kind of work the psychiatrist and clinicians do, I do often wonder if people find it truly helpful. My manager said many times that "we can only help people who are willing to help themselves, it's the ones who don't ask for help who we should truly be worried about". I felt a little bad hearing that since I'm someone who suffers but doesn't want nor ask for help.

Do you have a plan or date to ctb or are you taking it one day at a time? I don't have a plan currently. At the moment it's just when the times right, the times right. Whether that's tomorrow, a week or a month from now - but the sooner the better I hope.

 

[sincerelysad]

im so fucking sorry you're hurting so badly. i love you so much, and i don't even have to know you to say that.

 

[Emmie]

I don't know what's it's going to take.. I've tried to hang myself whilst calm and planned, and also when I've been hypermanic and impulsive. I think if it's going to work it's going to be whenever I can find that magic moment to fit the sweet spot and slip away into unconsciousness. I still think about people like Haruma Miura or Sulli - how did they do it and I can't?! I still haven't considered SN even though I have the money for it if I wanted. It's been about 3 years now since I first discovered what SN is but I can't say it's ever been a method or choice I've felt drawn to - I think for several reasons, mostly the fear of being scammed and the police intercepting it (I've heard those story since 2020 and I can't imagine it's any easier in 2023). I can understand why many people feel safe or comforted by SN though.

My world was crushing back when I last posted. Everything was coming to an end and the pressure of existing was becoming unbearable. No money, no prospects, on the verge of becoming homeless, a burden, it was all too much to bear. The fact I managed to get this job is a miracle - and quite laughable considering it's in a mental health hospital (the same place I was sectioned 12 years ago). I daren't ever tell my manager or colleagues I was once on the ward. So it does feel surreal to still be alive but also I've always known deep down that it's only to buy myself more time. Since the beginning of 2020 when I quit my job and quit university (as a mature student), up until my last post on here my life was just a disaster, a rollercoaster of emotions and a total mess. So after I got this job I really tried to live for a little while and enjoy simple things without thinking about death. Buying myself new clothes, investing in some hobbies or interests, doing a proper food shop and cooking meals I really wanted and enjoyed to make, seeing family, spending time with my sister and the cats. It was nice while it lasted but it's not reality for me. I've bottled my emotions for the last 6 months and they're all bursting back. I could only suppress it for so long.

The way you describe yourself feels similar to myself. I'm 33 this year (can I call myself mid thirties?) and I'm also asexual, so there's no desire for a relationship or a family of my own. I think a lot of people don't understand this and misinterpret the kind of person I am. Maybe they think I'm shy or unconfident but I just don't think or feel the same way as most others, especially my colleagues who are all older than me, have their own families, children and dreams.

Do you find the support you receive from the mental health workers is beneficial or helpful at all? I've only ever been known to services for about two months back in 2010 when I was sectioned but never spoke or sought help from a professional. Mostly because I didn't want to be helped. Now I work in a mental health hospital and see/hear the kind of work the psychiatrist and clinicians do, I do often wonder if people find it truly helpful. My manager said many times that "we can only help people who are willing to help themselves, it's the ones who don't ask for help who we should truly be worried about". I felt a little bad hearing that since I'm someone who suffers but doesn't want nor ask for help.

Do you have a plan or date to ctb or are you taking it one day at a time? I don't have a plan currently. At the moment it's just when the times right, the times right. Whether that's tomorrow, a week or a month from now - but the sooner the better I hope.

It was nice to talk to people about my problems, which I hadn't done in nearly a decade. But other than that dealing with mental health workers hasn't helped much. I have autism and I experience a fundamental disconnect from the world and nearly every thing and person in it. It can't really be treated and it's been like this my whole life. I should've either figured out some way to tolerate existing by now or CTB'd. I was never meant to make it this far in life.

I am friends online with a woman my age. Her sister CTB'd in her early twenties, but she herself hasn't been able to go through with it. So she's living in limbo, every year feeling a little greyer and bleaker. For years she found some solace in immersing herself in pessimistic-themed material like Thomas Ligotti or Michael Haneke's The Seventh Continent. She has several bookcases full of depressing books and DVDs that she would turn to when feeling sad or hopeless. But now she's emotionally numb to even that kind of thing and she just walks, volunteers, and gardens to keep her mind off life. I relate to her in some ways. At some point you just have nothing left to say or feel.

I have my SN, benzos, scale, and testing kit all ready to go. I always liked the idea of going around Christmas. I think if something hasn't changed by then I'll try to make an attempt. But who knows!

 

[stoopid]

Honestly, these professionals just did more harm. I told them 0,1% and they nearly forced me into a clinic, I was just asking for some meds that keeps my anxiety at "ok" level, because my place at school was next to deep tissue massage my only ways to prevent me legitimately from suicide.

I'm very sorry for you, I don't know you but you're in control of your fate, and you choose your path, every choice made from your heart is the right one, going over or trying to fight the battle with nearly the same end just with time in between, feel respected and encouraged to feel empowered. I wouldn't hang myself, I'm look recently into sn, looks promising but I'm kinda scared of potential pain but way better as hanging. I'm waiting for the right time, I think time will tell.