Venting I'm not sure what i want anymore.

[sorrytosay]

I'm kind of a giant loser. I have no friends, I dropped out of high-school when I was 15, I'm really stupid and I have no job. It's hard getting people to take me seriously when I didn't finish school. like, really hard. I've been taking classes for my GED, but I have severe adhd and I can't retain information. Last time I was in a psych ward they prescribed me Adderall for my adhd. But I couldn't afford to be on it long enough to get used to it, the same with my antidepressants. I'm tired, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being ugly and I'm tired of being stupid. I was going to kill myself tonight, sometimes I wish someone would come along and kill me so my mom wouldn't be as hurt about it. maybe if it looked like an accident she wouldn't hurt herself too. part of me is angry that I can't do what I want with my own body, the other part of me wants to curl up in my mom's arms so she says everything's okay. I dont wanna be here anymore, but I love my mom. I dont want to be here anymore, but I love my cats. I dont want to be here anymore but I can't shake the horror I imagine in my mom's eyes when she finds my body. the sounds she'd make, my mom loves all of her babies dearly, I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I wasn't tired of living.


not to mention, I am only 18 and am 34k in debt xd that's the American dream alright.

 

[Little_Suzy]

You spent $34,000 on what?

 

[sorrytosay]

You spent $34,000 on what?

psych ward visits lol, I didn't spent anything. I am mentally ill without money for insurance.

 

[AkaRed]

I completely understand you and it's how I'm feeling right now. The literal only thread I have to stop me is the thought of my mother finding my body. That's why I'm going to try find a location outside, somewhere else and just leave her a note or something. That way, my body will be collected— and in the morgue she can make a choice for herself whether she wants to see or not. But I don't want her to come home to me lying there, yk?

If you do want a friend for the time being, my discord is sasa_kaida
I dunno if you use discord, but I'm happy to listen or talk

<3

 

[sorrytosay]

I completely understand you and it's how I'm feeling right now. The literal only thread I have to stop me is the thought of my mother finding my body. That's why I'm going to try find a location outside, somewhere else and just leave her a note or something. That way, my body will be collected— and in the morgue she can make a choice for herself whether she wants to see or not. But I don't want her to come home to me lying there, yk?

If you do want a friend for the time being, my discord is sasa_kaida
I dunno if you use discord, but I'm happy to listen or talk

<3

707 my love I don't use discord but I really appreciate you, thank you.

 

[anhedonya]

I'm kind of a giant loser. I have no friends, I dropped out of high-school when I was 15, I'm really stupid and I have no job. It's hard getting people to take me seriously when I didn't finish school. like, really hard. I've been taking classes for my GED, but I have severe adhd and I can't retain information. Last time I was in a psych ward they prescribed me Adderall for my adhd. But I couldn't afford to be on it long enough to get used to it, the same with my antidepressants. I'm tired, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being ugly and I'm tired of being stupid. I was going to kill myself tonight, sometimes I wish someone would come along and kill me so my mom wouldn't be as hurt about it. maybe if it looked like an accident she wouldn't hurt herself too. part of me is angry that I can't do what I want with my own body, the other part of me wants to curl up in my mom's arms so she says everything's okay. I dont wanna be here anymore, but I love my mom. I dont want to be here anymore, but I love my cats. I dont want to be here anymore but I can't shake the horror I imagine in my mom's eyes when she finds my body. the sounds she'd make, my mom loves all of her babies dearly, I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I wasn't tired of living.


not to mention, I am only 18 and am 34k in debt xd that's the American dream alright.

I don't think you're stupid for dropping out or struggling with ADHD. In fact, I still have my downloaded GED files from when I took mine. I could try to send you them if you wish. I know I don't know what you look like but I don't think you're ugly or fat either, and even if you weren't the weight everyone wants you to be, that'd be fine too. Human diversity is an important part of the world.

I know this is your choice so please don't take this as me trying to forcefully change your mind, but why can't you curl up in your mom's arms and cry about it to her? It sounds like she cares about you. If you feel you're going to CTB anyhow, then it can't hurt to give it a try. Literally speaking, that is, nothing you do now can truly hurt if that's the end goal. I really think you should reach out to her.

I'm sorry about the difficult situation you've been put in. You've been dealt a rough hand and medical debt is a particular beast. Try looking up the statute of limitations for that kind of debt in your state, if you keep paying even 10 dollars a month they can't usually take you to court for it because you are indeed trying to pay. After a few years, they've been known to give up on certain cases like that. Asking for itemized bills will also bring down your pricing, and many hospitals have a charity program or general financial issues hotline that you can call.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[sorrytosay]

I don't think you're stupid for dropping out or struggling with ADHD. In fact, I still have my downloaded GED files from when I took mine. I could try to send you them if you wish. I know I don't know what you look like but I don't think you're ugly or fat either, and even if you weren't the weight everyone wants you to be, that'd be fine too. Human diversity is an important part of the world.

I know this is your choice so please don't take this as me trying to forcefully change your mind, but why can't you curl up in your mom's arms and cry about it to her? It sounds like she cares about you. If you feel you're going to CTB anyhow, then it can't hurt to give it a try. Literally speaking, that is, nothing you do now can truly hurt if that's the end goal. I really think you should reach out to her.

I'm sorry about the difficult situation you've been put in. You've been dealt a rough hand and medical debt is a particular beast. Try looking up the statute of limitations for that kind of debt in your state, if you keep paying even 10 dollars a month they can't usually take you to court for it because you are indeed trying to pay. After a few years, they've been known to give up on certain cases like that. Asking for itemized bills will also bring down your pricing, and many hospitals have a charity program or general financial issues hotline that you can call.

Best of luck to you!!

thank you so much. i will definitely look into it, I'm sure this option was obvious but I know nothing about anything I swear I'm clueless thank you again.

 

[anhedonya]

thank you so much. i will definitely look into it, I'm sure this option was obvious but I know nothing about anything I swear I'm clueless thank you again.

Of course! You're not clueless, thousands of people struggle with medical debt because they feel there's no possible way to hack at it. It's definitely not obvious, you had a very normal reaction to a very scary situation. Best of luck to you!!