Venting I'm not sure if I'm suicidal anymore, but I know my life is over

[Muirthemne]

Long time lurker, first time thread-maker.

I've been varying degrees of suicidal for most of the last year, and off and on for many years before that. A few months ago, I bought myself SN and anti-emetics, I wrote a note, I picked a date. Then the date came and I just... didn't do it. I'm not even sure why. Survival instinct, I guess?

Since then I've been doing "better," but it's a relatively term. I have a great new counselor who's helped me have more compassion for myself. But I'm still not happy, and no matter how nice my counselor is, she can't change the reality of my life.

That reality is I'm almost 30, and I've never been on a date, had a real job, or gotten any kind of education. Between my lack of life experience and my chronic mental health issues, I know I'll never be able to achieve any of my dreams or have a good life. The pathetic half-life I have now, where feeling not very bad today is the absolute best I'll ever be able to hope for, is all I'm capable. My life is already over, with or without SN.

So I don't really want to die, but I also know I have nothing to live for. I don't know what to do. Not even sure why I'm posting this thread. Just wanted to feel heard by someone, I guess. No one ever understands when I try to talk about this stuff. At least here I'm less likely to be bombarded with toxic positivity.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

I understand this. It's just like surviving. From day to day. Just slipping through days, with no real motivation to continue.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Yessssssss me too and I agree with TheSkyIsBlue

 

[SpottedPanda]

It's somewhat of a moral courtesy to encourage life, and I'm glad you're doing better with regards to suicidal thinking. I'm in no way glad you're struggling. I have very little to live for, besides social media, smoking, and food, the three things I enjoy. I just go through the motions of living, but I know that death appeals to me. If you've got the will to live that's a good thing. I guess the only question now is where to go from here. Maybe find something you like doing, or try and meet some like minded people? Join a support group? Anything is better than feeling hopeless and empty, I surmise. Rooting for you to find meaning and enjoyment in some form

 

[Alain]

If you don't really want to die, then just don't do something you could not undo.
I know what it feels to think that our lives are meaningless. It's pretty much the same for a lot of us here. It does not mean you have to die. It just means you need to do something. Depression can easily lead to a state of mind where your life can only turn bad. It's absolutely not true. You can get help and I hope you will.

Suicide is something to think of with a lot of objectivity. Will you be happy tomorrow in the morning? Probably not. Will you enjoy your life and be happy in a couple of months, a year... Who knows? Does it worth waiting while feeling numbed, working with a shrink, take medicines, so you could enjoy your life later? I would say yes, definitely. You are not 30, so it's not like your life has reached a point where you can't do anything to change it. Sure, it can be difficult but you can do good things with your life.

It's not "toxic positivity" and I hope won't feel it that way. It's just my opinion, I won't be the one to tell what to do with your life. I just give you my honest, 100% honest opinion.

 

[Lost_the_will2_live]

I understand this. It's just like surviving. From day to day. Just slipping through days, with no real motivation to continue.

This is EXACTLY how I feel! I'm not living , I am surviving! I know I don't want to be here to get old and watch my parents die also, but I cannot seem to be able to ctb. I have my SN , I think I am just surviving until I feel like I cannot go on any longer.....but scared incase I cant end it when that time comes.

 

[Muirthemne]

Maybe find something you like doing, or try and meet some like minded people? Join a support group? Anything is better than feeling hopeless and empty, I surmise. Rooting for you to find meaning and enjoyment in some form

I know what it feels to think that our lives are meaningless. It's pretty much the same for a lot of us here. It does not mean you have to die. It just means you need to do something. Depression can easily lead to a state of mind where your life can only turn bad. It's absolutely not true. You can get help and I hope you will.

I appreciate the thought, but I've spent years and years doing everything I possibly could. Therapy, meet-ups, medication, meditation, exercise. None of it helped. Most of it made things worse. Being around people is just a constant reminder of how far behind everyone else I am. No matter where I go, I'm always the biggest loser in the room.

 

[limpingtowardfreedom]

Nothing wrong and no reason to feel bad about not following through, better you found out then rather than finding out once it's too late.

It doesn't sound to me like your life is over, it sounds like it just hasn't quite gotten started yet. And there's nothing wrong with that either. Despite what the media may make it seem like, you're not screwed starting life at 30, there is still plenty of opportunity for fulfillment. Morgan Freeman didn't get big until he was 52. JK Rowling was penniless at your age.Winston Churchill was 62. And you don't have to be like them to make your life meaningful or anything, but I was in a very similar situation to yours, severe mental health issues and all, and I can tell you that you still have room to grow, and it's possible to carve out a satisfying life. It may take a long time and be miserable, but you're not screwed just yet is all.

 

[braketimez]

Long time lurker, first time thread-maker.

I've been varying degrees of suicidal for most of the last year, and off and on for many years before that. A few months ago, I bought myself SN and anti-emetics, I wrote a note, I picked a date. Then the date came and I just... didn't do it. I'm not even sure why. Survival instinct, I guess?

Since then I've been doing "better," but it's a relatively term. I have a great new counselor who's helped me have more compassion for myself. But I'm still not happy, and no matter how nice my counselor is, she can't change the reality of my life.

That reality is I'm almost 30, and I've never been on a date, had a real job, or gotten any kind of education. Between my lack of life experience and my chronic mental health issues, I know I'll never be able to achieve any of my dreams or have a good life. The pathetic half-life I have now, where feeling not very bad today is the absolute best I'll ever be able to hope for, is all I'm capable. My life is already over, with or without SN.

So I don't really want to die, but I also know I have nothing to live for. I don't know what to do. Not even sure why I'm posting this thread. Just wanted to feel heard by someone, I guess. No one ever understands when I try to talk about this stuff. At least here I'm less likely to be bombarded with toxic positivity.

OP..I can totally relate to this. Really.

 

[Exitforme]

Nothing wrong and no reason to feel bad about not following through, better you found out then rather than finding out once it's too late.

It doesn't sound to me like your life is over, it sounds like it just hasn't quite gotten started yet. And there's nothing wrong with that either. Despite what the media may make it seem like, you're not screwed starting life at 30, there is still plenty of opportunity for fulfillment. Morgan Freeman didn't get big until he was 52. JK Rowling was penniless at your age.Winston Churchill was 62. And you don't have to be like them to make your life meaningful or anything, but I was in a very similar situation to yours, severe mental health issues and all, and I can tell you that you still have room to grow, and it's possible to carve out a satisfying life. It may take a long time and be miserable, but you're not screwed just yet is all.

This is exactly what OP was referring to by "toxic positivity".

Toxic positivity proponents are very quick to mention outlier cases of "success" without mentioning the fact that there are thousands of failures for every "success case". They are unaware of their biases and assume that lifelong suffering and pain will be rewarded at some time - This just simply isn't true. The multitude of failures are not reported and so it appears that they don't exist when in reality they account for an overwhelming majority.

Everyone wants to "win" in life but unfortunately not everyone will. That's just the way of the world, always had been and always will be.

 

[Alain]

I appreciate the thought, but I've spent years and years doing everything I possibly could. Therapy, meet-ups, medication, meditation, exercise. None of it helped. Most of it made things worse. Being around people is just a constant reminder of how far behind everyone else I am. No matter where I go, I'm always the biggest loser in the room.

The moral pain you look to go through for a long period of time looks horrible, I wouldn't whish that to my nemesis...
Have you heard about or tried rTMS ? It really helped me, and who knows, it can help you too. You won't see butterfly and rainbows everywhere, but it can make your mind become clearer and clear to stop seing negatiity in everything. When I started it, I felt no difference in about two weeks, and it took a long time of this therapy for me to get the effects and really feel it working very good. I even returned to my work and started dating women (tinder helps, especially with this ugly face of mine :D).
And I am 36, with bad physical conditions over my depression. What if you, less than 30, could realize what he can do to improve his life ?

Anyway, bro, you already have my respect and love. If you want to talk, about anything at all, you can contact me in private messages and I'll always answer (even if I answer hours later).

 

[Meowkin]

Sometimes we want to be heard and yet not know what it is we want others to hear. I think that's fine. I think it's completely fine to feel the way you do about your current life too.

 

[Fedrea]

Long time lurker, first time thread-maker.

I've been varying degrees of suicidal for most of the last year, and off and on for many years before that. A few months ago, I bought myself SN and anti-emetics, I wrote a note, I picked a date. Then the date came and I just... didn't do it. I'm not even sure why. Survival instinct, I guess?

Since then I've been doing "better," but it's a relatively term. I have a great new counselor who's helped me have more compassion for myself. But I'm still not happy, and no matter how nice my counselor is, she can't change the reality of my life.

That reality is I'm almost 30, and I've never been on a date, had a real job, or gotten any kind of education. Between my lack of life experience and my chronic mental health issues, I know I'll never be able to achieve any of my dreams or have a good life. The pathetic half-life I have now, where feeling not very bad today is the absolute best I'll ever be able to hope for, is all I'm capable. My life is already over, with or without SN.

So I don't really want to die, but I also know I have nothing to live for. I don't know what to do. Not even sure why I'm posting this thread. Just wanted to feel heard by someone, I guess. No one ever understands when I try to talk about this stuff. At least here I'm less likely to be bombarded with toxic positivity.

There seem to be so many people on this forum who are young, and wanting to ctb because e.g. they haven't dated, they're isolated, haven't made anything of their lives. That can all change! Change! There is every chance it will change. And when it does change you will feel like $1 million. Sorry as I didn't mean that to be toxic positivity and I do understand the dichotomy of wanting to die but not wanting to die.

 

[braketimez]

This is exactly what OP was referring to by "toxic positivity".

Toxic positivity proponents are very quick to mention outlier cases of "success" without mentioning the fact that there are thousands of failures for every "success case". They are unaware of their biases and assume that lifelong suffering and pain will be rewarded at some time - This just simply isn't true. The multitude of failures are not reported and so it appears that they don't exist when in reality they account for an overwhelming majority.

Everyone wants to "win" in life but unfortunately not everyone will. That's just the way of the world, always had been and always will be.

Well put.

 

[Élégie]

I can completely relate. I'm also in my late 20s and I've been passively suicidal for over a decade. I'm so far behind in every aspect of my life, it's embarrassing... I'm single (never had a serious relationship), I'm unemployed (never had a job), I lost all my friends a long time ago, I quit school before graduating despite being a good student with potential... I feel like such a failure.

I'm sorry you're also feeling like this, OP. I know how hard it is.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I feel like I'm in a similar position. I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember and I've attempted before. I have my SN and antiemetics but at the moment I know I'm not ready. I know I'm going to kill myself at some point so there's no rush. When I know it's time I'm going to do it.

 

[Muirthemne]

This is exactly what OP was referring to by "toxic positivity".

Toxic positivity proponents are very quick to mention outlier cases of "success" without mentioning the fact that there are thousands of failures for every "success case". They are unaware of their biases and assume that lifelong suffering and pain will be rewarded at some time - This just simply isn't true. The multitude of failures are not reported and so it appears that they don't exist when in reality they account for an overwhelming majority.

Everyone wants to "win" in life but unfortunately not everyone will. That's just the way of the world, always had been and always will be.

You're harsher to limpingtowardfreedom than I would be, but you do have a point.

I've actually made a game now of reading stories about people who recovered from suicidality/mental health struggles. I just skim the article until I inevitably get to the point where they mention their supportive family, their loving partner, or their fulfilling career. Turns people who have something to live for tend to pull through. Wow, whodathunkit!

But I don't have any of those things.

The moral pain you look to go through for a long period of time looks horrible, I wouldn't whish that to my nemesis...
Have you heard about or tried rTMS ? It really helped me, and who knows, it can help you too. You won't see butterfly and rainbows everywhere, but it can make your mind become clearer and clear to stop seing negatiity in everything. When I started it, I felt no difference in about two weeks, and it took a long time of this therapy for me to get the effects and really feel it working very good. I even returned to my work and started dating women (tinder helps, especially with this ugly face of mine :D).
And I am 36, with bad physical conditions over my depression. What if you, less than 30, could realize what he can do to improve his life ?

Anyway, bro, you already have my respect and love. If you want to talk, about anything at all, you can contact me in private messages and I'll always answer (even if I answer hours later).

I've heard of it, but it's only done for research studies in my area. Doubt I'd get access. Even if I did, I don't see it making much difference. It wouldn't make up for the lifetime of experience I lost. It doesn't matter what I do now; I'll always be behind everyone else.

I appreciate the offer of support, but I doubt there's anything you could say that would help.

I can completely relate. I'm also in my late 20s and I've been passively suicidal for over a decade. I'm so far behind in every aspect of my life, it's embarrassing... I'm single (never had a serious relationship), I'm unemployed (never had a job), I lost all my friends a long time ago, I quit school before graduating despite being a good student with potential... I feel like such a failure.

I'm sorry you're also feeling like this, OP. I know how hard it is.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's an awful way to live. :(