Lycoris
a living ghost
- Mar 9, 2023
- 50
So, to start theres some info that you should probably know about me beforehand. I'm roughly in my late 20's and have been suicidal since I was roughly 13 but didnt have my first attempt until I was 16. I've gone to the psych ward 5 times total with 2 of them being involuntary stays after I was caught mid-attempt. I am deeply conflicted about what I should do because while I do think some of the reasons I am deeply suicidal are fixable (in theory) they would basically require lifelong struggle and so much constant help and being able to depend on someone for possibly the rest of my life due to disability. At this point, I don't know if a 6th visit will do anything and I don't feel like killing myself is the answer anymore. Neither is living though since i'm clearly suffering so much daily that i've already made 3 potential plans to CTB including buying SN and opiates. I've already written my will and drafted letters to the few people I know care about me. I know going to the psych ward voluntarily wont solve anything other than give me a small amount of rest while im so burnt out from work, life and everything, but it never solved anything and my insurance is so bad I probably would only be held for 2-3 days which is not enough time to bring me out of passive or even active suicidality. I've considered doing a non attempt on purpose just so I can get FMLA leave and not have to work for a month or something but I don't know if its worth possibly getting fired or even further disabled... It feels like CTB is my only hope at this point but I break down in tears everytime I consider it seriously because I feel like i've let everyone down especially after surviving my attempts when I was younger and breaking the promise I made to my best friend that killed herself when i was 13. I know nobody really has the answer but I'd like to know everyones thoughts.
