dinosavr
and if i’m turning blue please don’t save me 🌛
- Dec 14, 2023
- 666
For my whole childhood and adolescence I was incredibly anxious, many many times it felt like too much and I was close to giving up. After I graduated from college, things got waaay easier. I found a well paid job, I had supportive friends and family, I didn't have any health issues. And still, somehow, I hated myself, I hated my life and I was pretty hopeless. But I never expected how it would turn out and how much more I would have to handle.
I've recently lost my job that I really loved and where I was doing really really well.
Before I was diagnosed with depression, now I'm also going through diagnosis with autism. It's been almost a year and I think each day I'm moving more backwards than forward.
Of course, that was not enough for my fate
so I gained physical health issues too :) Apparently my eyeballs are fine but somehow my vision is blurry and I have to go through a gazillion different exams to find out what's wrong with my brain. I'm really overwhelmed by this, both financially and emotionally.
I wake up every day around 4-5 am and I barely eat the minimum calorie intake for a person my age. Throughout last ~9 months I lost 15 kilograms and now I'm underweight, with a will to get even skinnier. For some reason I don't care anymore about my life, my skin, my face, my body, etc, but it's a funny exception.
I've also started a new job this week and it's super frustrating. I hate the feeling of knowing nothing, having to constantly ask for every little thing. And of top of that, for previously mentioned reasons, I have 0 energy to keep it up. I'm a little worried that they will fire me here too.
Most of my time off work, I'm either at the doctors or trying to find any relatively cheap places where my eyes and brain can be properly tested. I HATE IT! And I'm more tired everyday.
I hate that I got to the conclusion that I can't kill myself as long as I can see that my family and friends are really supportive and loving and in their lives, they all are finally finding peace. I don't want to ruin it for them. On the other hand there's just silly me, who ruins it for herself, just because I can't assume that I deserve to be happy more than them. No way. So I just keep on trying to make it through each day, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. It feels like a little too much for a mentally-still-a-kid-even-though-an-adult-for-8-years.
I wish I could finally put a dot, not a semicolon at the end of my fucking life sentence.
I've recently lost my job that I really loved and where I was doing really really well.
Before I was diagnosed with depression, now I'm also going through diagnosis with autism. It's been almost a year and I think each day I'm moving more backwards than forward.
Of course, that was not enough for my fate
so I gained physical health issues too :) Apparently my eyeballs are fine but somehow my vision is blurry and I have to go through a gazillion different exams to find out what's wrong with my brain. I'm really overwhelmed by this, both financially and emotionally.I wake up every day around 4-5 am and I barely eat the minimum calorie intake for a person my age. Throughout last ~9 months I lost 15 kilograms and now I'm underweight, with a will to get even skinnier. For some reason I don't care anymore about my life, my skin, my face, my body, etc, but it's a funny exception.
I've also started a new job this week and it's super frustrating. I hate the feeling of knowing nothing, having to constantly ask for every little thing. And of top of that, for previously mentioned reasons, I have 0 energy to keep it up. I'm a little worried that they will fire me here too.
Most of my time off work, I'm either at the doctors or trying to find any relatively cheap places where my eyes and brain can be properly tested. I HATE IT! And I'm more tired everyday.
I hate that I got to the conclusion that I can't kill myself as long as I can see that my family and friends are really supportive and loving and in their lives, they all are finally finding peace. I don't want to ruin it for them. On the other hand there's just silly me, who ruins it for herself, just because I can't assume that I deserve to be happy more than them. No way. So I just keep on trying to make it through each day, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. It feels like a little too much for a mentally-still-a-kid-even-though-an-adult-for-8-years.
I wish I could finally put a dot, not a semicolon at the end of my fucking life sentence.
