I'm not ready and I never will be, but it's almost time to go. A final request before that day comes.

[LastLoveLetter]

Death is much more imminent. Provisionally, I am leaving at the end of July. Accommodation has been arranged, my affairs are being dealt with and it's almost time to go.

My life is a long history of abuse (severe, sustained and often life-threatening in nature), loss, death, grief, loneliness, poverty, disease, chronic pain and so much more. It's a hell of a story, and I am choosing how it ends.

My body is a faulty machine that has endured a lot of wear and tear. It has been ravaged by abuse, disabilities and illnesses, with no life left in it. Repeated attempts have been made to repair it, but it is looking like it ultimately cannot be fixed. At some point, it inevitably has to be disposed of - thrown in the scrap heap. Every iota of my being is broken.

I am trying another treatment as an absolute final resort. If this brings some success then that would postpone my plans. However, my health is only continuing to get worse and worse, despite trying to improve my situation for many years. Any alleviation of this would be a pleasant surprise but is not anticipated (and it certainly wouldn't save me forever, only for a short while - my conditions cannot be cured). I know better than to hold onto hope.

Would anyone be receptive to talking in the days leading up to my death and on the day please (we could arrange this privately)? I was going to post this in the Partners Megathread but realised I'm not seeking a partner as such, more so someone who will be available and willing to provide some support and companionship close to the time. You won't have to stay with me as I die, because I absolutely do not want to put anyone through that.

Talking is a struggle so I might not be particularly chatty, to be honest. Simply the presence of another person without pressure or expectations will mean a lot. Honestly, I hugely appreciate this a lot to ask of anyone, so it's completely understandable if no-one wants to do this.

This isn't a goodbye thread, but it's possibly the last thread I will post. I wanted to write a note and say goodbye properly, but my existence here is merely an inconsequential blip anyway, I can't adequately articulate myself anymore and it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that this will be over soon.

My relationship with this forum has changed a lot over time, but I'm grateful towards those who have been supportive. I'm glad to have had an opportunity to connect with and get to know some of you. Thank you.

 

[Versailles]

Death is much more imminent. Provisionally, I am leaving at the end of July. Accommodation has been arranged, my affairs are being dealt with and it's almost time to go.

My life is a long history of abuse (severe, sustained and often life-threatening in nature), loss, death, grief, loneliness, poverty, disease, chronic pain and so much more. It's a hell of a story, and I am choosing how it ends.

My body is a faulty machine that has endured a lot of wear and tear. It has been ravaged by abuse, disabilities and illnesses, with no life left in it. Repeated attempts have been made to repair it, but it is looking like it ultimately cannot be fixed. At some point, it inevitably has to be disposed of - thrown in the scrap heap. Every iota of my being is broken.

I am trying another treatment as an absolute final resort. If this brings some success then that would postpone my plans. However, my health is only continuing to get worse and worse, despite trying to improve my situation for many years. Any alleviation of this would be a pleasant surprise but is not anticipated (and it certainly wouldn't save me forever, only for a short while - my conditions cannot be cured). I know better than to hold onto hope.

Would anyone be receptive to talking in the days leading up to my death and on the day please (we could arrange this privately)? I was going to post this in the Partners Megathread but realised I'm not seeking a partner as such, more so someone who will be available and willing to provide some support and companionship close to the time. You won't have to stay with me as I die, because I absolutely do not want to put anyone through that.

Talking is a struggle so I might not be particularly chatty, to be honest. Simply the presence of another person without pressure or expectations will mean a lot. Honestly, I hugely appreciate this a lot to ask of anyone, so it's completely understandable if no-one wants to do this.

This isn't a goodbye thread, but it's possibly the last thread I will post. I wanted to write a note and say goodbye properly, but my existence here is merely an inconsequential blip anyway, I can't adequately articulate myself anymore and it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that this will be over soon.

My relationship with this forum has changed a lot over time, but I'm grateful towards those who have been supportive. I'm glad to have had an opportunity to connect with and get to know some of you. Thank you.

Wow, I am speechless, but I offer to give you what you are looking for, I think the company in the final moments is reassuring. You, along with Kuri, are one of the members with whom I have felt most identified and familiar in this forum, so if you need anything, count on me. And if I don't write what I really feel right now for seeing this, it's because I've always been a person of few words, even to say how I feel now
PS: My English is not the best, even so it is understandable (or so other English speakers have told me)
I'm willing to give you the company and support you need, you deserve it, so if you think I'm the one, you know I'm always on Discord

 

[Disappointered]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You can message me anytime. I hope I would be able to ease your pain somehow but I might not be the best choice as I'm often depressed.

 

[Al Cappella]

I'd be more than happy to offer an ear, or shoulder even, for as long as you need. PM away—and no worries at all if you're not feeling chatty, completely understandable…

 

[Medicmedic72]

I am a retread on this forum, but I understand your situation. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I hope you have success in your treatment.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for your support and especially your offers to listen, I truly appreciate it.

Time used to pass so slowly for me, but my final weeks are flying by faster than I would like them to. There's seven weeks now. Seven short weeks, then everything ends for me. Seven weeks until I cease to feel, think and - crucially - suffer. I have been suicidal for most of my life, and my death is long overdue. I clung on for as long as I could, tried to build a better life but that's very likely not within my grasp, and that's okay.

Knowing that there are people who will listen and be here before I go means a lot.

In case I don't update this thread again, I just want to send my love to anyone who reads this. No matter what happens, I hope the best for everyone, whatever that may be for them. I am sorry for the suffering that brought you all here, and I wish no-one had to endure that pain.

I am especially grateful towards those who have taken the time to talk to me, comment on my posts and who I had the privilege of getting to know here. Thank you.

There are connections here that meant a lot to me, including cherished friends who have passed in the time I've been here. I will be thinking of them and remembering them in the days ahead. I will be thinking of many of you too.

Lots of love,
Persephone

 

[peanuts]

Thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much - I'm sending you so much love right now.

A place of freedom, good health and no pain awaits you when you're ready. It will be okay ❤

 

[Catloaf]

There are lots of us who care for you. We may not all talk with you leading up to your date, but imagine we are here, in the same room, giving you the biggest hug possible

Wishing you a smooth journey, Persie

 

[rationaltake]

Your presence on here has meant a lot to me. You've made a big difference to this community. Your compassion and honesty are extraordinary.

I'm sorry your life has been hell. Mind has too.

May you be free from suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. It sounds unbearable what you have to endure. This life really is so cruel and unfair and it is sad how so much pain exists. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[freedompass]

Death is much more imminent. Provisionally, I am leaving at the end of July. Accommodation has been arranged, my affairs are being dealt with and it's almost time to go.

My life is a long history of abuse (severe, sustained and often life-threatening in nature), loss, death, grief, loneliness, poverty, disease, chronic pain and so much more. It's a hell of a story, and I am choosing how it ends.

My body is a faulty machine that has endured a lot of wear and tear. It has been ravaged by abuse, disabilities and illnesses, with no life left in it. Repeated attempts have been made to repair it, but it is looking like it ultimately cannot be fixed. At some point, it inevitably has to be disposed of - thrown in the scrap heap. Every iota of my being is broken.

I am trying another treatment as an absolute final resort. If this brings some success then that would postpone my plans. However, my health is only continuing to get worse and worse, despite trying to improve my situation for many years. Any alleviation of this would be a pleasant surprise but is not anticipated (and it certainly wouldn't save me forever, only for a short while - my conditions cannot be cured). I know better than to hold onto hope.

Would anyone be receptive to talking in the days leading up to my death and on the day please (we could arrange this privately)? I was going to post this in the Partners Megathread but realised I'm not seeking a partner as such, more so someone who will be available and willing to provide some support and companionship close to the time. You won't have to stay with me as I die, because I absolutely do not want to put anyone through that.

Talking is a struggle so I might not be particularly chatty, to be honest. Simply the presence of another person without pressure or expectations will mean a lot. Honestly, I hugely appreciate this a lot to ask of anyone, so it's completely understandable if no-one wants to do this.

This isn't a goodbye thread, but it's possibly the last thread I will post. I wanted to write a note and say goodbye properly, but my existence here is merely an inconsequential blip anyway, I can't adequately articulate myself anymore and it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that this will be over soon.

My relationship with this forum has changed a lot over time, but I'm grateful towards those who have been supportive. I'm glad to have had an opportunity to connect with and get to know some of you. Thank you.

I would more than happy to listen any time at all. I'm on the discord you made so we could dm there.

 

[settheory]

Your tortured soul deserves a much better place, this life or another. Good luck with finding it. I wish you best.

 

[PrisonBreak]

Your words are always meaningful and powerful. I have learned so much from reading your comprehensive posts, really, and I wish you well.

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

Death is much more imminent. Provisionally, I am leaving at the end of July. Accommodation has been arranged, my affairs are being dealt with and it's almost time to go.

My life is a long history of abuse (severe, sustained and often life-threatening in nature), loss, death, grief, loneliness, poverty, disease, chronic pain and so much more. It's a hell of a story, and I am choosing how it ends.

My body is a faulty machine that has endured a lot of wear and tear. It has been ravaged by abuse, disabilities and illnesses, with no life left in it. Repeated attempts have been made to repair it, but it is looking like it ultimately cannot be fixed. At some point, it inevitably has to be disposed of - thrown in the scrap heap. Every iota of my being is broken.

I am trying another treatment as an absolute final resort. If this brings some success then that would postpone my plans. However, my health is only continuing to get worse and worse, despite trying to improve my situation for many years. Any alleviation of this would be a pleasant surprise but is not anticipated (and it certainly wouldn't save me forever, only for a short while - my conditions cannot be cured). I know better than to hold onto hope.

Would anyone be receptive to talking in the days leading up to my death and on the day please (we could arrange this privately)? I was going to post this in the Partners Megathread but realised I'm not seeking a partner as such, more so someone who will be available and willing to provide some support and companionship close to the time. You won't have to stay with me as I die, because I absolutely do not want to put anyone through that.

Talking is a struggle so I might not be particularly chatty, to be honest. Simply the presence of another person without pressure or expectations will mean a lot. Honestly, I hugely appreciate this a lot to ask of anyone, so it's completely understandable if no-one wants to do this.

This isn't a goodbye thread, but it's possibly the last thread I will post. I wanted to write a note and say goodbye properly, but my existence here is merely an inconsequential blip anyway, I can't adequately articulate myself anymore and it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that this will be over soon.

My relationship with this forum has changed a lot over time, but I'm grateful towards those who have been supportive. I'm glad to have had an opportunity to connect with and get to know some of you. Thank you.

I would love to converse with you. I love the way you write. I feel a familial connection to you, as our life experience results appear to mirror each others. I cannot promise to be as good a person as you need, but I can promise to be as good a person as I am able. My strongest desire is to be heard and understood and to attain freedom from anguish, pain and hatred while leaving some record of my faceted existence, to offer such to another would only seem appropriate. I also cannot promise to be available every day, as that is not how I live my life and some days I need a break from all technology. But if you would appreciate stimulating conversation, we should give it a go! Look forward to hearing from you!

 

[bleeeeeep]

sending love to you, dear Persephone <3 you are wonderful, kind, and so eloquent. i'm sorry life has treated you this way, and i sincerely hope you are able to find peace. if you do need anyone else to speak to in the coming weeks, i'll be here

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to update this thread to say that I have decided to postpone my plans, for now.

I have begun taking LDN in combination with a very comprehensive supplement regimen and other treatments.

Recently, I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. It's subtle, but I seem to have a little more energy, enough to get out of bed a bit more and not be bedridden the entire day.

Before, I only got up to use the bathroom, and even that was a struggle. When I pushed myself to get up or leave the house, even the tiniest amount of exertion would result in severe fatigue and excruciating pain.

Now, I can at least get up more. I can't mobilise much but I get out of bed consistently to take my supplements, medications etc. I couldn't manage this before. I'm hoping to be able to test the waters by going out for a short while next week. I've even bought some new mobility aids in hopes this will make it easier. Being isolated, in pain and stuck in bed constantly, watching my body deteriorate and the world around me move on, has greatly contributed to the sense that life isn't worth living.

I am not sure if it's the LDN, the 15 supplements I'm taking, or my diet. Maybe it's a combination of these things. Eating well and taking supplements never made a significant difference historically, but perhaps I am doing something right this time. I don't know, but seeing progress - however small - is an incentive to give myself more time.

Nothing is helping the physical pain so far, but it's still early days.

I know better than to get my hopes up too high, but I also think it would be a waste not to try this treatment and see it through. A month won't be sufficient time to gauge the potential benefits or lack thereof, so I'm going to commit to a few more months (unless everything becomes exponentially worse during that time and I absolutely have to go).

It's not a cure all or a guarantee. I'm still in constant pain and navigating deep trauma, but it's something to hold on for at least for a little while.

 

[Eternally Dottie]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to update this thread to say that I have decided to postpone my plans, for now.

I have begun taking LDN in combination with a very comprehensive supplement regimen and other treatments.

Recently, I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. It's subtle, but I seem to have a little more energy, enough to get out of bed a bit more and not be bedridden the entire day.

Before, I only got up to use the bathroom, and even that was a struggle. When I pushed myself to get up or leave the house, even the tiniest amount of exertion would result in severe fatigue and excruciating pain.

Now, I can at least get up more. I can't mobilise much but I get out of bed consistently to take my supplements, medications etc. I couldn't manage this before. I'm hoping to be able to test the waters by going out for a short while next week. I've even bought some new mobility aids in hopes this will make it easier. Being isolated, in pain and stuck in bed constantly, watching my body deteriorate and the world around me move on, has greatly contributed to the sense that life isn't worth living.

I am not sure if it's the LDN, the 15 supplements I'm taking, or my diet. Maybe it's a combination of these things. Eating well and taking supplements never made a significant difference historically, but perhaps I am doing something right this time. I don't know, but seeing progress - however small - is an incentive to give myself more time.

Nothing is helping the physical pain so far, but it's still early days.

I know better than to get my hopes up too high, but I also think it would be a waste not to try this treatment and see it through. A month won't be sufficient time to gauge the potential benefits or lack thereof, so I'm going to commit to a few more months (unless everything becomes exponentially worse during that time and I absolutely have to go).

It's not a cure all or a guarantee. I'm still in constant pain and navigating deep trauma, but it's something to hold on for at least for a little while.

This is great to hear Persephone. I wish you all the very best and hope things keep improving for you.