I feel this. I am in a similar, yet different situation. Mine is more recovery-focused, but still, I feel you. I have had so many urges to die, but I haven't recently attempted (aka this week) because I know that they would fail (due to lack of adequate access) and it isn't worth the risk of hospitalization and the shame I feel afterwards if someone were to find out. So, I'm here, frustratingly trying to live, drinking a fancy coffee, and trying to make it through. At least if you're still here, a donut is a great way to go. It kind of makes things momentarily more enjoyable. But yeah, living sucks.