Venting i'm not cut out of suicide

[wildbluekiss]

fuck man i'm a fucking loser. maybe i'm not fucking cut out of suicide. maybe the only way out is to be murdered idk you tell me.
the method i've gone with is always overdosing stuffs and the furthest i went is the hospital bed for days afterwards.

i just can't fucking die.
maybe it's my body. maybe it's my mind.
but i don't even feel like my body is mine. nor my mind is mine.

i'm just a fucking goner dude. and a quitter for sure.
escaping from life, and then unconsciously escaping from suicide.
i run away from every single thing damn every damned god existing out there must be laughing at me.

i just want to perish effortlessly. why does it take so much effort to die.
it's not like i wanted to be here in the first place. not my fucking fault. the fuck

 

[Sylveon]

I feel ya...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. ODing isn't straightforward in any case you need the right meds/drugs to be successful. That's usually difficult to acquire these. Don't be too hard to yourself in this regards. Have you read about the methods in the Suicide Resource Compilation? There should be sth that works way better than (OTC-) ODs if CTB is your true desire. I wish you all the best and I hope you can find peace.

Why do you want to CTB so badly? (if I may ask that)

 

[rozeske]

Don't be hard on your self. Dying is not easy. Most of us are fighting the same fight if it's any consolation.

 

[mortuarymary]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. ODing isn't straightforward in any case you need the right meds/drugs to be successful. That's usually difficult to acquire these. Don't be too hard to yourself in this regards. Have you read about the methods in the Suicide Resource Compilation? There should be sth that works way better than (OTC-) ODs if CTB is your true desire. I wish you all the best and I hope you can find peace.

Why do you want to CTB so badly? (if I may ask that)

Was thinking the same.

 

[wildbluekiss]

I feel ya...

Don't be hard on your self. Dying is not easy. Most of us are fighting the same fighting if it's any consolation.

thank you so much, it's always helping reading reassurance from you guys… since yeah, just like what you said, we're fighting the same battle now. i wish us well.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. ODing isn't straightforward in any case you need the right meds/drugs to be successful. That's usually difficult to acquire these. Don't be too hard to yourself in this regards. Have you read about the methods in the Suicide Resource Compilation? There should be sth that works way better than (OTC-) ODs if CTB is your true desire. I wish you all the best and I hope you can find peace.

Why do you want to CTB so badly? (if I may ask that)

Was thinking the same.

my body is weak; long story short, i'm sick. last week i'm almost on the verge to be deaf (only my left ear). i've suffered from complications, from my eyes, my head, my bone, even my liver and my heart. count this as a curse or a miracle yourself, NONE of these is deadly. but it feels like my body is killing my everyday. because it hurts, so fucking hurt. but not deadly enough to kill me yet, only to drive me to hospital weekly or monthly.

sucks. i want to scream to, yet again, every god existing out there, if you want to bring the pain upon me, be straightforward! don't do it halfassedly! make it so it kills me all at once. the heck. i have to live like this while having a very, very bad relationship with my mother, who thinks i have to repay the burden i put on her with academic perfection when i was young and success at worklife now. fuck off.

and because i'm living with my mom, most of suicide methods aren't accessible. not because i can't buy it or something, but she watches over me, always. always… she notices little things. hence i can only do it with my meds—overdose the prescription, of course. beats me.

 

[rozeske]

and because i'm living with my mom, most of suicide methods aren't accessible. not because i can't buy it or something, but she watches over me, always. always… she notices little things. hence i can only do it with my meds—overdose the prescription, of course. beats me.

Your situation is very understandable but please be cautious of the dangers of oding. The success rates are very low and could lead to further damage and leave you suffering more than you already are.

 

[wildbluekiss]

Your situation is very understandable but please be cautious of the dangers of oding. The success rates are very low and could lead to further damage and leave you suffering more than you already are.

what's saddening for me is that you're 100% right. and i can feel it. this body's always been so fragile, but now, it's even weaker than it was before my OD attempts. that's why i need to prepare the very perfect time with the very perfect way, can't just do it out of rage like i was before… or i will get worse and worse and can't even attempt anything anymore… right?

 

[rozeske]

or i will get worse and worse and can't even attempt anything anymore… right?

Exactly. That is one of the reasons I admire this site. On top of providing a safe support space, be it for recovery section or venting, it also shows the more reliable and "safe" methods. Whichever one decides to choose.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate so much. I'm not cut out for suicide either. I mean, one of my reasons for wanting death in the first place is so that I don't have to put any effort in anymore as those who don't exist don't have to put in effort. Unfortunately suicide requires effort and I'm not cut out for that. I hate that my own shortcomings is what is keeping me alive

 

[UKscotty]

Overcoming SI is hard, you are not a failure.

There is nothing wrong with trying recovery again, stopping and reflecting.

The vast majority of people here are the same. Despite being a suicide forum, not many CTB. A lot of people get their method setup then try life again.

A few say all life is bad and they want nothing more than death, but they are still here after years. I think its all a personal choice, it's your life, no one else's.

 

[wildbluekiss]

I relate so much. I'm not cut out for suicide either. I mean, one of my reasons for wanting death in the first place is so that I don't have to put any effort in anymore as those who don't exist don't have to put in effort. Unfortunately suicide requires effort and I'm not cut out for that. I hate that my own shortcomings is what is keeping me alive

your third sentence resonates with me—oh god, like we want to just let all this shit go, why do we have to work for this? i've worked for all my life, suffering while doing so, now i have to do so to achieve… death? unfair. it's too unfair for us. i wish you well.

Overcoming SI is hard, you are not a failure.

There is nothing wrong with trying recovery again, stopping and reflecting.

The vast majority of people here are the same. Despite being a suicide forum, not many CTB. A lot of people get their method setup then try life again.

A few say all life is bad and they want nothing more than death, but they are still here after years. I think its all a personal choice, it's your life, no one else's.

i know… and you're very much right, one of the reasons i feel comfortable here is because i know if only SI and other obstacles weren't too hard for us, we wouldn't even talk to each other right now. we would've been, long gone. and that's humane. this too, humane. after all, fortunately or unfortunately, we're all humans here… we're programmed to survive.

thank you so much for this, i feel better reading this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible and cruel how the option of peaceful, reliable suicide is made so inaccessible for people, it really shouldn't be so difficult to die, I also feel so trapped here. But anyway best wishes, to me it'd be such a relief we could just choose to fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep.

 

[wildbluekiss]

I find it so horrible and cruel how the option of peaceful, reliable suicide is made so inaccessible for people, it really shouldn't be so difficult to die, I also feel so trapped here. But anyway best wishes, to me it'd be such a relief we could just choose to fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep.

yeah, to sleep eternally is my true dream.

i hate how we should go through gruesome methods just to achieve the peace we've always wanted, since the easy way outs are categorized as… reportable and banned substances, fuck off. if only we could go to sleep and never wake up…

… that, is too good to be true. but a human can wish.

 

[hopeless08]

fuck man i'm a fucking loser. maybe i'm not fucking cut out of suicide. maybe the only way out is to be murdered idk you tell me.
the method i've gone with is always overdosing stuffs and the furthest i went is the hospital bed for days afterwards.

i just can't fucking die.
maybe it's my body. maybe it's my mind.
but i don't even feel like my body is mine. nor my mind is mine.

i'm just a fucking goner dude. and a quitter for sure.
escaping from life, and then unconsciously escaping from suicide.
i run away from every single thing damn every damned god existing out there must be laughing at me.

i just want to perish effortlessly. why does it take so much effort to die.
it's not like i wanted to be here in the first place. not my fucking fault. the fuck

Don't be so hard on yourself it's not you, your not the problem, it's this fucking universe and society

 

[wildbluekiss]

Don't be so hard on yourself it's not you, your not the problem, it's this fucking universe and society

thank you so much, this means so much to me. i just wish everything could be better for me. for us. everything is so exhausting.

 

[hopeless08]

thank you so much, it's always helping reading reassurance from you guys… since yeah, just like what you said, we're fighting the same battle now. i wish us well.


my body is weak; long story short, i'm sick. last week i'm almost on the verge to be deaf (only my left ear). i've suffered from complications, from my eyes, my head, my bone, even my liver and my heart. count this as a curse or a miracle yourself, NONE of these is deadly. but it feels like my body is killing my everyday. because it hurts, so fucking hurt. but not deadly enough to kill me yet, only to drive me to hospital weekly or monthly.

sucks. i want to scream to, yet again, every god existing out there, if you want to bring the pain upon me, be straightforward! don't do it halfassedly! make it so it kills me all at once. the heck. i have to live like this while having a very, very bad relationship with my mother, who thinks i have to repay the burden i put on her with academic perfection when i was young and success at worklife now. fuck off.

and because i'm living with my mom, most of suicide methods aren't accessible. not because i can't buy it or something, but she watches over me, always. always… she notices little things. hence i can only do it with my meds—overdose the prescription, of course. beats me.

Well to me it seems like god, if there is one wants us to suffer. We can't live and we can't die that's absolute torture.
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through but hopefully we will all find peace eventually

 

[j1nxxb0yjj4ke]

I feel you. if I had a gun, id be gone.

 

[nodaysleft]

I feel you and agree what has already been said by people; don't be too hard on yourself. When I first OD'd when I was a teen I was sure it'd work but like you said I would have never expected it to be so hard to die. I'm also on the waiting list for euthanasia but even that process is unnecessary long and hard. I hope we can all find peace soon, whether it be in life or death.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Same thought as @Praestat_Mori , @UKscotty & @rozeske. The thought of CTB'ng and the peace it brings is awesome and all but damn. I gotta fight everyday living, i didnt know i had to fight just to end it all too. Whoever said CTB was the easy way out needs to have his/her head checked.

 

[Stormy Raine]

thank you so much, it's always helping reading reassurance from you guys… since yeah, just like what you said, we're fighting the same battle now. i wish us well.


my body is weak; long story short, i'm sick. last week i'm almost on the verge to be deaf (only my left ear). i've suffered from complications, from my eyes, my head, my bone, even my liver and my heart. count this as a curse or a miracle yourself, NONE of these is deadly. but it feels like my body is killing my everyday. because it hurts, so fucking hurt. but not deadly enough to kill me yet, only to drive me to hospital weekly or monthly.

sucks. i want to scream to, yet again, every god existing out there, if you want to bring the pain upon me, be straightforward! don't do it halfassedly! make it so it kills me all at once. the heck. i have to live like this while having a very, very bad relationship with my mother, who thinks i have to repay the burden i put on her with academic perfection when i was young and success at worklife now. fuck off.

and because i'm living with my mom, most of suicide methods aren't accessible. not because i can't buy it or something, but she watches over me, always. always… she notices little things. hence i can only do it with my meds—overdose the prescription, of course. beats me.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, if I could give you my organs I would gladly do so! I hate to see people that want to live and don't have a fair chance! I don't suggest you OD as it can make them limit your medication as it sounds like you need them. I'm patiently waiting to die, I'm halfway there I hope, I've given up trying because it's hard to off yourself. My biggest fear is I have great meditation now and I would hate to jeopardize my doctor license or wake up alive and not be able to have the medicine I need. My suggestion is try to keep yourself busy, find a hobby, do online games, just anything that keeps you from the thoughts of being forced to stay alive. Best wishes to you You always have friends here who understands and will listen to you