Venting I'm not brave enough to just do it

[Dusk till dawn]

I'm just not brave enough, in my case, there's no peaceful methods, there's no taking fentanyl and dying while having a good dream, there's no taking sn or nembutal and never waking up, peaceful overdoses are not a viable option, i tried for so long at this point, i searched countless shops for SN with no results, for over 8 months now, tirelessly, i've lost all hope that there will ever be a peaceful method for me, the only available methods are physically violent ones, here's a list of all the methods that available for me : 1) Hanging 2) Drowning 3) Jumping from a high building 4) The train method 5) Cutting blood vessels and veins 6) Overdose on OTCs, people here told me it's very painful and takes weeks and not worth it The thing is, i'm not courageous enough to do any of physically uncomfortable ones besides overdoses, i already suffer from trauma because of a previous failed hanging attempt (it was well planned, but i guess i'm too unlucky to miraculously survive that) There are brief moments when i feel like i have the courage to do it, which is, during impulsives, sometimes my parents lash at me and that generates extreme frustration that my SI is no longer holding me back, but those moments last for short periods of time Fuck SI, i just wish i was brave enough to go with any of these 4 methods (the train method, drowning, jumping from a high building) I'm a coward for sticking for this long, i should've died a long time ago when i attempted full hanging, but i didn't, and here i am struggling with survival instincts and unable to go with any violent method because of my trauma and survival instincts

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just so horrible and extremely cruel to me how people cannot just have the option to die peacefully and are left with no other options but painful ways to die, I really wish Nembutal is accessible, it'd be such a relief to be able to die in a painless, guaranteed way to me, I despise how we exist in such an anti-suicide society.

 

[divinemistress36]

I understand me too <3

 

[guanoglaive]

Same problem here. Tried OD on paracetamol and some other pills last year but that was a shitshow. Fixed a nice hanging setup on the balcony last week but it's way harder to "just do it". Now I'm stuck. Might try darknet but not sure what I can get in Sweden.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I'm just not brave enough, in my case, there's no peaceful methods, there's no taking fentanyl and dying while having a good dream, there's no taking sn or nembutal and never waking up, peaceful overdoses are not a viable option, i tried for so long at this point, i searched countless shops for SN with no results, for over 8 months now, tirelessly, i've lost all hope that there will ever be a peaceful method for me, the only available methods are physically violent ones, here's a list of all the methods that available for me : 1) Hanging 2) Drowning 3) Jumping from a high building 4) The train method 5) Cutting blood vessels and veins 6) Overdose on OTCs, people here told me it's very painful and takes weeks and not worth it The thing is, i'm not courageous enough to do any of physically uncomfortable ones besides overdoses, i already suffer from trauma because of a previous failed hanging attempt (it was well planned, but i guess i'm too unlucky to miraculously survive that) There are brief moments when i feel like i have the courage to do it, which is, during impulsives, sometimes my parents lash at me and that generates extreme frustration that my SI is no longer holding me back, but those moments last for short periods of time Fuck SI, i just wish i was brave enough to go with any of these 4 methods (the train method, drowning, jumping from a high building) I'm a coward for sticking for this long, i should've died a long time ago when i attempted full hanging, but i didn't, and here i am struggling with survival instincts and unable to go with any violent method because of my trauma and survival instincts

I don't think you're alone with that. I'm an effing coward. And wanting to and not being able to is torture.

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

same here, im so disappointed with myself for not being able to just do it. i too dont have any accessible painless options but the ones that im left with are just so terrifying. the subway train method seems to be the easiest and deadliest one but every time i plan doing it i just come down to the subway station and sit there for sometimes hours. imagining how my body will look after it gets hit and decapitated by a train. and how my mom will have to bury just a fleshy mess. and with hanging… I know it will be painful, and unlike trains you can be "saved" from hanging which will lead to severe consequences and even worse misery. so yes i really feel you, im disgusted with myself for not being able to just do it finally. its been two unsuccessful attempts now

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

me too... i also lack the courage
the idea that everything can be over quickly calms me so much
but when i think about the consequences of failure, i back out

 

[tpboy]

me too... i also lack the courage
the idea that everything can be over quickly calms me so much
but when i think about the consequences of failure, i back out

there are methods that you will NOT fail

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

there are methods that you will NOT fail

what methods?
i researched thoroughly and there are so many posts of failures on this website
even SN ...

 

[tpboy]

with the correct gun and bullet placement you will not fail, full susp hanging you will not fail, if you can get pure grade fent you will not fail.

 

[chestnut]

I can relate to that so much. I was like that before my first attempt, then got surprised realizing I could go through with it midthrough.

Any method can fail imo. Part of successful CTB is not being there to verify it, thats whats so scary. People plan so much to avoid failure, but still there's always a what-if in my mind.... it's hard.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

with the correct gun and bullet placement you will not fail, full susp hanging you will not fail, if you can get pure grade fent you will not fail.

there never is a guarantee
things can always go wrong
and as many things in my life have gone wrong, i am utterly and utterly scared that I cannot even successfully ctb

 

[tpboy]

you can it just takes planning

 

[alltoomuch2]

there are methods that you will NOT fail

people with a history of MH problems won't be allowed a gun licence (In the uk anyway), SN is impossible to get, train-there was a horrific video on wpd of a man who'd been cut in half by a train and was still alive and conscious, charcoal/tent - big risk of being found, hanging - even full suspension it seems like support breaks or rope breaks, or you're found. Drowning - maybe but still risk of being found. Jumping - what about the man who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge (and fractured his spine) or the one who jumped 15 floors, landed on a car and is very obviously alive in the video. Or there is the person who lay on a railway and survived but lost both hands and both feet. Oh and night night, so many people fail with this. Then antifreeze-rescued but go blind. OTC medication - agonising liver failure. There is no guarantee of not failing, just likelihoods.
Anxiety disorders are a bitch when you want to CTB. Or maybe I just don't want to enough. But it feels like I want to, I'm just really scared if it fails. My dad made several attempts (drowning, stabbing in the heart) but failed. I think he succeeded in the end but by that time he had so many issues from the alcohol who knows?

 

[tpboy]

people with a history of MH problems won't be allowed a gun licence (In the uk anyway), SN is impossible to get, train-there was a horrific video on wpd of a man who'd been cut in half by a train and was still alive and conscious, charcoal/tent - big risk of being found, hanging - even full suspension it seems like support breaks or rope breaks, or you're found. Drowning - maybe but still risk of being found. Jumping - what about the man who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge (and fractured his spine) or the one who jumped 15 floors, landed on a car and is very obviously alive in the video. Or there is the person who lay on a railway and survived but lost both hands and both feet. Oh and night night, so many people fail with this. Then antifreeze-rescued but go blind. OTC medication - agonising liver failure. There is no guarantee of not failing, just likelihoods.
Anxiety disorders are a bitch when you want to CTB. Or maybe I just don't want to enough. But it feels like I want to, I'm just really scared if it fails. My dad made several attempts (drowning, stabbing in the heart) but failed. I think he succeeded in the end but by that time he had so many issues from the alcohol who knows?

This sounds so bad. Im so sorry that you are stuck in this position.

 

[alltoomuch2]

This sounds so bad. Im so sorry that you are stuck in this position.

Thank you for understanding. xxx