Venting I'm never helping anyone again

[Myforevercharlie]

I just want to rant, im sorry in advance...
Last month i moved in with my sister. I needed a place to stay, she needed help. Because of an accident when she was 3 a part of her brain got so damaged, her thinking capability is that of an 8 year old child. She had help, twice a week, someone who took care of her bills and did things like groceries with her. Because of the virus, the help couldn't come this last month. Sister asked me to help her. I looked into her finances, and almost got a heartattack. Not only does she pay for four different telephones, but a huge part of her income goes to postorder services where she's so deep in depth with it will take years to get out of it.
I tried to fix as much as possible, called around and by explaining what happened, got her total debt way less then it was. I can't work anymore, i have about 1000 euro less income then she has. So, extremely tight budget, but manageable. Until she went shopping again. I didn't sleep anymore out of pure worry and yes, hunger. She took all what was left. I went to stay with a friend for a few days, because i felt myself being sucked in the downward spiral again.

Now she says, shell do it herself. She doesn't want me back. So, that means im now homeless.

I don't think I'll ever help anyone again... Im a bit broken now...

 

[Final Escape]

I think something like this happened to me and I had the same feeling. I decided, I'm never helping anyone if it means that I could end up screwing myself in the process. That's my rule on helping. Even with family. You always have to put yourself first because nobody else will. I'm not saying don't help people just not at your own expense or if it could destroy u financially to do so. Sorry this happened to u. It's a common learning lesson many of us have to go through and it's very painful. I can understand if u have kids then they come first for most people, but u have to know where to draw the line on enabling vs actually helping them.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I just want to rant, im sorry in advance...
Last month i moved in with my sister. I needed a place to stay, she needed help. Because of an accident when she was 3 a part of her brain got so damaged, her thinking capability is that of an 8 year old child. She had help, twice a week, someone who took care of her bills and did things like groceries with her. Because of the virus, the help couldn't come this last month. Sister asked me to help her. I looked into her finances, and almost got a heartattack. Not only does she pay for four different telephones, but a huge part of her income goes to postorder services where she's so deep in depth with it will take years to get out of it.
I tried to fix as much as possible, called around and by explaining what happened, got her total debt way less then it was. I can't work anymore, i have about 1000 euro less income then she has. So, extremely tight budget, but manageable. Until she went shopping again. I didn't sleep anymore out of pure worry and yes, hunger. She took all what was left. I went to stay with a friend for a few days, because i felt myself being sucked in the downward spiral again.

Now she says, shell do it herself. She doesn't want me back. So, that means im now homeless.

I don't think I'll ever help anyone again... Im a bit broken now...

That's awful. No good deed goes unpunished, so the saying goes. Why is she so ungrateful, is it because of the brain damage? It really sounds like someone should have financial power of attorney to manage her stuff and look out for her if she's not coping in that way. It's such a shame that didn't work out as it really sounds like you need each other and it would be a perfect solution. Is there anyone else who can talk to her and sort it out so you can work together and she'll trust you?

 

[Mr2005]

It's a risky business

 

[Myforevercharlie]

@Underscore that's the problem, because of her brain damage she trusts no one. Her boyfriend tried on my behalf, she screamed him out of the house, accusing him of liking me more... It's like a time warp to 30 years ago...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Underscore that's the problem, because of her brain damage she trusts no one. Her boyfriend tried on my behalf, she screamed him out of the house, accusing him of liking me more... It's like a time warp to 30 years ago...

I thought that might be the case. I really hate to day this as it's something I'm really against (I've had it done to me and I'm still angry) but should she be in control of her own finances if she has such brain damage?
Though I guess taking away her financial independence would make her even more untrusting.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I thought that might be the case. I really hate to day this as it's something I'm really against (I've had it done to me and I'm still angry) but should she be in control of her own finances if she has such brain damage?
Though I guess taking away her financial independence would make her even more untrusting.

Before she was 18 our stepfather did that. On her 18th birthday her then bf ordered her to give him full control... Its only 2 years ago he dissappeared. But one thing he learned her, don't give anyone control over your money. I guess when the debts get to high and she has to go to court somethings can be arranged. If i would go to court now for a declaration she can't do it herself it would mean another ww

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Before she was 18 our stepfather did that. On her 18th birthday her then bf ordered her to give him full control... Its only 2 years ago he dissappeared. But one thing he learned her, don't give anyone control over your money. I guess when the debts get to high and she has to go to court somethings can be arranged. If i would go to court now for a declaration she can't do it herself it would mean another ww

Damnit yeah that's what I thought too. My family told me that If I didn't sign power of attorney over to them they'd try and get a court order (they'd have failed) and never speak to me again. It's hard to trust someone after that.
It's so hard to put yourself in those shoes. In a way, if you can understand why you need to sign over financial authorities then you may have enough understanding to not need it doing. And if you can't understand why then you probably need it doing but won't comply.
I wish I could think of some way to get her to do what's in her best interests.
Then again, if she's technically mentally competent then it's her businesses whatever she does.
I can see why you are so frustrated but I can also see why she's how she is.
Would she listen to a professional? The debt consolidator maybe?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Im sorry your family did that to you.... That's one of the reasons i won't go that far.

Professional help, new ones will be taking care of, but thanks to the virus it can take weeks until there's someone available

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Im sorry your family did that to you.... That's one of the reasons i won't go that far.

I can see that and having had it done to me I think you are right. She may never forgive you. I'm still trying to forgive but it's very hard.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Little update, i can stay with a friend for another week... In the mean time im trying to find something more permanent.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Good. Pressure off to a certain extent for a little while. I know it's a cliché, sorry, but small steps my friend, it's all we have.

 

[Epsilon0]

@Myforevercharlie

Sorry, to hijack your thread, but I was wondering if you could help me with something. Is it ok if I send you a pm?

 

[kkatt]

I'm not about to try and excuse any of the behaviour mentioned. Only wanted to say that I,too have sufferened brain damage and rely completely on my dad to help me manage. I'd be completely lost without him and my pan is to ctb immediately after he passes.
You are probably already aware of the problem many brain injured people have with impulsivity,especially regarding shopping. And people like us are prime bait for scammers. I have 2 bank accounts. One has a debit card but there is no overdraft facility,so I can never spend more than is in that account. Any other money is in the other acount which can only be accessed via the online banking facility and the only way to withdraw any funds is to transfer them to the other account.
However,there ARE times when the only solution is to completely sever ties with that person. My brother is a horrible narc. He and his wife cause me so much stress and confusion,cutting them out of my life was the only answer. I've spent a good amount of time in and out of psych wards and if I had maintained contact with them,the inevitable conclusion would be more of the same. I explained this to the rest of the family,who have all agreed.
Soemtimes,you do have to think of your own needs first.

 

[mediocre]

This is why I don't get involved in other people's crap... even if it is family. You try to help but in the end you always end up being the bad person. As the saying goes no good deed goes unpunished..

 

[Myforevercharlie]

@Myforevercharlie

Sorry, to hijack your thread, but I was wondering if you could help me with something. Is it ok if I send you a pm?

Sorry for the late reply! Ofcourse you can!

 

[Epsilon0]

Sorry for the late reply! Ofcourse you can!

Just kidding :-) Your thread is called I'm never helping anyone again.

 

[mesohappy]

You will help someone again..Because it is your nature.Even if it is just .50 cents or a cigarrette.Something small that meant the world to that person at the time to help them get through,and it may make you feel a little better.You maybe helping your sister again too,before you know it.

Or someone else that you least expected and never even meant too.Just spitting possibilities.Sometimes they give me hope.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

@Myforevercharlie

Sorry, to hijack your thread, but I was wondering if you could help me with something. Is it ok if I send you a pm?

Sorry for the late reply! Ofcourse you can!

This is the definition of irony. You offer to help in a thread about not helping anymore. It shows you're still a good person. Don't let a few bad incidents spoil your good nature.

You will help someone again..Because it is your nature.Even if it is just .50 cents or a cigarrette.Something small that meant the world to that person at the time to help them get through,and it may make you feel a little better.You maybe helping your sister again too,before you know it.

Or someone else that you least expected and never even meant too.Just spitting possibilities.Sometimes they give me hope.

Mesohappy gets it too. Well said my man.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Just kidding :-) Your thread is called I'm never helping anyone again.

Mwahaha!!!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

@Epsilon0 and @mesohappy
You're both right... Its in my nature to care, i wil do it again and again.

I was just so frustrated and hurt. I think i needed some petting on the head :)