Venting I’m never going to get better am I?

[I’mSoTired]

I have severe anxiety, severe depression (dysthymia), adhd, high-functioning autism, and ptsd.

I'm not going to get better, not now, not ever, am I?

I'm in the U.S., SN seems like the best method but I'm scared.

Isn't that ridiculous? I can't handle living but I'm terrified of dying.

I was sexually assaulted by my brother who's eight years older than me when I was seven. My parents are abusive apparently, according to my friends based on their behavior and the way they treat me. My friends from before don't care about me. My friends of now don't really know me. And I'm bringing them down. And I just need everything to stop. I've been bullied all my life. I limp because when I was 9/10 my brother dislocated my leg and possibly tore muscles, and it healed in place for two months. I was raped and abused and treated like a doll and nobody believed me by a girl who was more than two years older than me in high school. I hate myself. I can't handle this world anymore. I keep getting reminded of her. I can't handle living anymore.

I'm leaning towards SN because it seems relatively peaceful and painless, but I don't know a good way to get it and antimeitics without raising suspicions.

It's not going to get better, is it? I'm never going to feel better. There's no point in this endless awful struggle to try to get better.

 

[Leiot]

No one will ignore you here.

 

[I’mSoTired]

No one will ignore you here.

Does it ever really get better? Does this pain and fear and brokenness ever go away?

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm not going to get better, not now, not ever, am I?

No

Does it ever really get better? Does this pain and fear and brokenness ever go away?

It can only be managed according to doctors, never cured. But the managing is done by working hard on it yourself and it will be very uncomfortable to learn to manage it, which is unfair because others go through life challenges effortlessly. Meanwhile I have a panic attack just making a phone call. I have severe social anxiety also, as well as depression and trauma from getting divorced. On top of that I have backpain from just 2 hours of sitting, standing or walking, so an 8 hour work day is torture. And again, doctors say it can only be managed with "exercise" even though morphine exists. I'm tired of only "managing" pain, just so tired. It doesn't get better, so I'm done.

 

[I’mSoTired]

No

It can only be managed according to doctors, never cured. But the managing is done by working hard on it yourself and it will be very uncomfortable to learn to manage it. I have severe social anxiety also, as well as depression and trauma from getting divorced. On top of that I have backpain from just 2 hours of sitting, standing or walking, so an 8 hour work day is torture. And again, doctors say it can only be managed with "exercise" even though morphine exists. I'm tired of only "managing" pain, just so tired. It doesn't get better, so I'm done.

I can't walk without pain. I can't breathe without pain. I can't handle this world like this for much longer. I just want to die. I need everything to stop. I just to stop feeling and being this broken.

And if it doesn't get better, what's the point then in keeping going? Why do people try to keep us alive if we're just going to suffer until we die?

 

[Leiot]

Does it ever really get better? Does this pain and fear and brokenness ever go away?

It depends. You'll always have the memories but you can add good ones. I've had chronic pain for 39 years now and it sucks. I fight the dark thoughts every day and one of these days it will be time to CTB. But not today.

Like @KillingPain267 said, it can only be managed. But what does that mean? Our pain is unique to us so we have to figure out how to deal with it. What works for me may not work for you. But doctor's aren't going to do it. All they can do is throw shit at you and see what sticks. PT? Accupuncture? Meditation? Meds? No one knows until you try them. We have to experiment and see what works for us.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I do believe that it can get better, but it very much depends on what you yourself want out of "better". A "normal" life, without pain, suffering and fear is unlikely if you ask me. But building something that feels worth sticking around for is a possibility. I do believe that everything you are experiencing can be chalked up to PTSD and PTSD can get more bearable. Sadly it takes a lot of work, time and maybe even a smidge of dumb luck.

What do you want for yourself?

 

[LunarLight]

I used to think the same as you, plenty of disorders, SA'd when I was a child. Then I started L-Methylfolate, got better for a month, began feeling suicidal again. Then my psychiatrist prescripted amisulpride to me and now I feel much better, after six years of various ineffective and useless treatments. It can get better, the thing is, you gotta be incredibly lucky.

 

[I’mSoTired]

I do believe that it can get better, but it very much depends on what you yourself want out of "better". A "normal" life, without pain, suffering and fear is unlikely if you ask me. But building something that feels worth sticking around for is a possibility. I do believe that everything you are experiencing can be chalked up to PTSD and PTSD can get more bearable. Sadly it takes a lot of work, time and maybe even a smidge of dumb luck.

What do you want for yourself?

I want a life when I'm not scared of everything that reminds me of her. I'd rather never think of her again. I want a life that doesn't hurt so much. I want a life in which I don't hate myself. I want parents that love me. I want to be able to trust people not to hurt me. I want to feel better. I want to feel happy.

Is it possible for me to get that?

I used to think the same as you, plenty of disorders, SA'd when I was a child. Then I started L-Methylfolate, got better for a month, began feeling suicidal again. Then my psychiatrist prescripted amisulpride to me and now I feel much better, after six years of various ineffective and useless treatments. It can get better, the thing is, you gotta be incredibly lucky.

I don't think I can handle another year of this, much less six. I'm weak, pathetic and broken. I can't handle that much pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, I'm sorry you have to suffer, existence really is too cruel to me. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Leiot]

I use a lot of symbolism to work through my issues. There's a thing called a forced tarot reading. You know how you can go to someone and get your cards read and it's supposed to tell you what's going on? In a forced reading, you do the regular reading and see how shitty everything is, then move the cards around so it's less shitty.

I'm a big believer of tracking things. I wrote an app for my phone that I keep track of my mood, pain level and pain meds I take. It's been pretty revealing. I can see trends in when my pain goes up and my mood goes down. That's my 'reading' so to speak.

Then I started trying things. Most things didn't work. A few did.

Pain Management, IMHO, are some of the most clueless, incompetent, soulless degrading people I've ever come across. I seen a few - like my pain doctor now - who get it but not many. There have been times I've sat in their offices quietly hoping they'd get into an accident and have to live with what we live with for a while and see if their attitude changes. I use morphine for the flareups but I've been literally called a drug addict. Even though I've used it for 12 years and never had to increase the dose or have problems with it. Yeah, I have some issues with pain management.

 

[divinemistress36]

Weekly craniosacral therapy with an experienced practioner was the only thing that ever helped my chronic pain. I had severe burning pain for 4 years now its mild. It can be pricey though. I hope you find relief either in this life or the next

 

[Unbolted0605]

I'm truly sorry for the way things have been.

Can you get better than you feel right now? Yes, almost certainly in my opinion. I'm old and have lived through many things. Feelings fade over time. Correct medication and good therapy can help a lot. You can build something good. One brick at a time makes a home eventually.

I'd like to echo the other poster who said, although things may not get to 'normal-normal', they can get to a place where life is worth living. I know this because I've been through some various of my own shit and this is what I've also found. It turned out that staying calm as possible and just waiting things out, and avoiding further disasters wherever possible, has almost always been the right strategy (for ME, but I think the point generally stands). I followed that strategy and many elements of a life worth living fell into place around me almost as if by accident. I think that if it happened like that with me, it can with others too.

I also agree with the other other poster who said that medications can be hit-or-miss, but I think the point stands that they ARE out there in large variety, and more come out as time goes by. Luck may be a factor, but if you don't try a few different types then luck can't come into it.

Respectfully, I disagree with the other poster who told you flat-out 'no'. Although I understand where they're coming from, and believe they're referring to their own current situation, and applying it to yours as best they can, just like I'm doing. In other mindsets, at other times, I would have agreed with them (as regards myself). But nobody can tell YOU 'yes' or, more dangerously and permanently, 'no', for yourself.

The uncomfortable answer is that there's no certainty here, but, if you ctb it's CERTAIN that things won't have a chance to get better. Whereas certain medications, for me at least, have left me flabbergasted that I could feel so much better. I literally wouldn't have believed it's possible. And ctb is an option any time, it doesn't go away (in most cases, with exceptions that should be clear to anyone who's lurked enough).

[People might question wtf I'm doing here if I feel this way. The answers are that I'm long-term (decades) on and off suicidal, typically many times per day, and I'm in a shitty situation that means I may need to ctb at any time. I respect people's choices, and if someone is set on ctb, I don't get involved. This is why you'll usually only see me making positive comments, which I do where I think it's possible to help someone, even if just a little bit.

Also, it's a lot easier to see the hope in others' situations than your own. This person asked and I answered honestly.]

 

[Demian]

Hello.

First of all, you can send me dm if you want.

I can't imagine what you've been through. Yes, there is a way. But there are traumas that need time and a good professional to help. Know that you're not alone! There are many good people in this world, and you're sure to find true friends.

Just as when a person breaks an arm and goes to hospital to be healed and waits a while for it to heal, we should also consider problems in the mind in a similar way. There are traumas that only a good professional will be able to speed up the healing process. Yes, there is a solution.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I want a life when I'm not scared of everything that reminds me of her. I'd rather never think of her again. I want a life that doesn't hurt so much. I want a life in which I don't hate myself. I want parents that love me. I want to be able to trust people not to hurt me. I want to feel better. I want to feel happy.

Is it possible for me to get that?

I don't think I can handle another year of this, much less six. I'm weak, pathetic and broken. I can't handle that much pain.

First of all: I feel for you, I really do. I know we are not the same person and that our individual circumstances are different, but just putting this out here: I deal with CPTSD, agoraphobia, OCD and clinical exhaustion from childhood abuse, domestic abuse, psychiatric abuse and more recently therapy abuse. I came here about a year after the last event, which was the therapy abuse. I felt a lot like what you are describing. I was completely done. And now I'm in a completely different place. I still don't love my life, I'm in no way free from the suffering that those people's actions led to, but it has gotten better for me. If it can for me, there's nothing that says that it can't get better for you too. If that is what you want, then maybe it's worth a shot? CTB will always be an option down the road.

 

[I’mSoTired]

First of all: I feel for you, I really do. I know we are not the same person and that our individual circumstances are different, but just putting this out here: I deal with CPTSD, agoraphobia, OCD and clinical exhaustion from childhood abuse, domestic abuse, psychiatric abuse and more recently therapy abuse. I came here about a year after the last event, which was the therapy abuse. I felt a lot like what you are describing. I was completely done. And now I'm in a completely different place. I still don't love my life, I'm in no way free from the suffering that those people's actions led to, but it has gotten better for me. If it can for me, there's nothing that says that it can't get better for you too. If that is what you want, then maybe it's worth a shot? CTB will always be an option down the road.

But can it get, well, better enough, I guess. Can I ever really get free in some sense from this?

 

[Marco77]

I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. However, you don't like existence in these conditions, but a new situation would bring you serenity. Things can get better little by little. I hope you find peace whatever path you decide to take.