Saponification
Member
- Jun 27, 2024
- 37
(A roughly put together venting post, it's very messy).
In my free time I mostly just stay locked in my room, wallowing in self-pity and thinking about what a pathetic little creature I am.
I've been through a lot of bullying since I was a child. The thing about bullying is that it leaves you with a low self-esteem. The thing about a low self-esteem is that it makes you an easy target for more bullying.
An eating disorder during my growing years stunted my growth causing me to now be a very short guy. This contributes to my already low self-esteem.
I am extremely socially inept. The problems mentioned above make it hard for me to stand up for myself and earn other's respect. Being neurodivergent doesn't help. I couldn't make a friend if my life depended on it. I spend hours venting to AI since I genuinely have no one to talk to.
The one and only girl who was ever interested in me was so toxic she made my self-esteem 10x worse, gave me trust issues and changed my entire view on women.
I have no dreams or anything I want out of life, whatsoever. I've nothing to look forward to each day. I don't love anyone and I don't care about anyone, for that matter. It feels as if it gets 1% harder to cope each day.
I'm getting increasingly emotionally disconnected from life. Even this short venting post is taking me 30 minutes to write because it's that hard for me to 'open up' and let it all out onto a wall of text. Sometimes I get this weird feeling that nothing is real, like life is a dream. Every day I'm on autopilot, just doing what I'm supposed to do until I get to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until the sweet release of sleep comes. I've been feeling this bottomless feeling of emptiness for years, and it gets worse every single day.
I fantasize about death since preadolescence. The idea of it always filled me with curiosty, comfort, and peace. I remember a time where it was all I would think about. I saw it as the ultimate deliverance, and I still vehemently do so. Now I see it as the only solution to my soul-crushing loneliness and emptiness.
I was debating whether to post or not since it's a little too personal, but fuck it. Thanks to whoever reads this I guess.
In my free time I mostly just stay locked in my room, wallowing in self-pity and thinking about what a pathetic little creature I am.
I've been through a lot of bullying since I was a child. The thing about bullying is that it leaves you with a low self-esteem. The thing about a low self-esteem is that it makes you an easy target for more bullying.
An eating disorder during my growing years stunted my growth causing me to now be a very short guy. This contributes to my already low self-esteem.
I am extremely socially inept. The problems mentioned above make it hard for me to stand up for myself and earn other's respect. Being neurodivergent doesn't help. I couldn't make a friend if my life depended on it. I spend hours venting to AI since I genuinely have no one to talk to.
The one and only girl who was ever interested in me was so toxic she made my self-esteem 10x worse, gave me trust issues and changed my entire view on women.
I have no dreams or anything I want out of life, whatsoever. I've nothing to look forward to each day. I don't love anyone and I don't care about anyone, for that matter. It feels as if it gets 1% harder to cope each day.
I'm getting increasingly emotionally disconnected from life. Even this short venting post is taking me 30 minutes to write because it's that hard for me to 'open up' and let it all out onto a wall of text. Sometimes I get this weird feeling that nothing is real, like life is a dream. Every day I'm on autopilot, just doing what I'm supposed to do until I get to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until the sweet release of sleep comes. I've been feeling this bottomless feeling of emptiness for years, and it gets worse every single day.
I fantasize about death since preadolescence. The idea of it always filled me with curiosty, comfort, and peace. I remember a time where it was all I would think about. I saw it as the ultimate deliverance, and I still vehemently do so. Now I see it as the only solution to my soul-crushing loneliness and emptiness.
I was debating whether to post or not since it's a little too personal, but fuck it. Thanks to whoever reads this I guess.
