Venting i'm miserable, but so is everyone i'm around

[irie]

sorry for the vent post, but today has been absolutely fucking awful.
i haven't been able to sleep well for a few consecutive nights now, which has led to weird nightmares and hallucinations--something that is certainly not helping my case here, please bear with me if it ends up being long or incoherent
i started the day miserable enough, dreading even having to exist and do anything at all, which is pretty typical at this point. things ended up happening throughout the day (ones i'm not really comfortable with elaborating on or explaining) and i've just been hit fully with the realization that, yeah, my life is completely miserable at this point. i can barely function, i can't bring myself to do anything no matter how hard i try (which has been the case for years now), i don't have any motivation, or anything i genuinely enjoy doing. it seems as though the sad reality of things is that life is going to stay this way for a while, and i don't really see myself making it out of this alive. going on seems completely fruitless.
something that hasn't helped is that almost every single person i've been around today has been completely miserable as well. i've seen posts from every single one of them about the issues they've been having, and given the state of things i feel far too miserable to do anything for anyone. it honestly sucks how often this particular thing happens, today was a pretty extreme example of it. things have left me wanting to isolate myself for days, but that never ends up working out. i feel horribly guilty thinking this way, but i genuinely just don't have the capacity to handle things. this week in general has left me completely drained and it's hard to even engage in conversation with anyone.
the only way it seems i can cope with the urge to ctb (which i'd do tonight with a reliable method on hand) is through s/h, which is sometihng i ended up doing today for the first time in 3 months. not fun.
again, i apologize. it has just been a horrible day in every sense imaginable.

 

[sorrowful]

sorry for the vent post, but today has been absolutely fucking awful.

don't apologize for venting!

it truly is horrible we are forced to suffer in this world, with little help and no easy way out for those of us that want to exit. i hope that you can find your peace, and i'm sorry life isn't treating you well at the moment, best wishes

 

[irie]

don't apologize for venting!

it truly is horrible we are forced to suffer in this world, with little help and no easy way out for those of us that want to exit. i hope that you can find your peace, and i'm sorry life isn't treating you well at the moment, best wishes

thank you, i'm really glad someone understands and i really appreciate it :) i hope so too

 

[redisblue]

As doll said, please don't apologise for venting. We're all here to listen to each other and support each other, no matter what. I'm so sorry that you're going through that. If it makes you feel even a little better, you're not alone, I feel very similarly. I really hope that things will work out for you. Feel free to message me if you want somebody to talk to! Sending lots of hugs and love :)

 

[irie]

As doll said, please don't apologise for venting. We're all here to listen to each other and support each other, no matter what. I'm so sorry that you're going through that. If it makes you feel even a little better, you're not alone, I feel very similarly. I really hope that things will work out for you. Feel free to message me if you want somebody to talk to! Sending lots of hugs and love :)

thank you so much, i really do appreciate it :) i hope things will work out for you as well, and you're free to do the same if you ever need anything, i'm pretty awful at responding to things in a way that is actually beneficial to anyone but i'd be more than willing to listen

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, irie! What you're going through sounds legitimately awful. I'm no stranger to that feeling of abject misery that just saps all the joy and enthusiasm out of anything you might try to do. It's the worst, and I'm very sorry that's where you're at right now, and that you're also surrounded by it. I can only imagine that makes it worse. There's just no escape for it.

However, I wouldn't carry the guilt about thinking this way, at least not if you're able to help it. You're a human being experiencing misery. Isolation, frustration, hopelessness, and (for lack of better words) just being fucking done with it all are perfectly natural and valid responses to this form of suffering. However your brain is choosing to respond to it, it makes sense to you, and it's just trying to find some way to cope with it. That isn't something to blame yourself for or feel guilty about. You're just trying to get by, and it isn't working.

I know the urge to isolate when you feel this way is strong, and honestly if you need to curl up into a ball in a room somewhere to cope with it, that's okay. But I'm still glad you chose to vent about it here instead. At least this way someone can agree with you about how fucked up it is that you have to deal with all of this.

You mentioned you've seen posts from all the people you're presently surrounded by talking about their own suffering. Are they here on the forum with you? And how do they feel about the misery you're all experiencing together?

 

[irie]

Hey there, irie! What you're going through sounds legitimately awful. I'm no stranger to that feeling of abject misery that just saps all the joy and enthusiasm out of anything you might try to do. It's the worst, and I'm very sorry that's where you're at right now, and that you're also surrounded by it. I can only imagine that makes it worse. There's just no escape for it.

However, I wouldn't carry the guilt about thinking this way, at least not if you're able to help it. You're a human being experiencing misery. Isolation, frustration, hopelessness, and (for lack of better words) just being fucking done with it all are perfectly natural and valid responses to this form of suffering. However your brain is choosing to respond to it, it makes sense to you, and it's just trying to find some way to cope with it. That isn't something to blame yourself for or feel guilty about. You're just trying to get by, and it isn't working.

I know the urge to isolate when you feel this way is strong, and honestly if you need to curl up into a ball in a room somewhere to cope with it, that's okay. But I'm still glad you chose to vent about it here instead. At least this way someone can agree with you about how fucked up it is that you have to deal with all of this.

first and foremost, i can't thank you enough for the reply. being understood this well is genuinely foreign to me, and i don't tend to discuss my issues very often, so i'm actually relieved that i'm being listened to here. as you said it's fucking horrible, honestly, having to go through this for weeks (or even months) straight, sometimes getting to the point of questioning if it's even real or not or genuinely believing it doesn't matter if i die or not because nothing existed in the first place, i'm not sure how to explain it and i am definitely going off on a tangent i probably shouldn't be here, apologies for that. it's insanely difficult to cope with, and all of what you said makes perfect sense. it doesn't really feel as if there's anyone i can truly go to outside of here because it's so constant and because nearly everyone else i'm around is being subjected to their own misery, so i'm usually left alone to just cope by any means possible and try to make things survivable at this point.

You mentioned you've seen posts from all the people you're presently surrounded by talking about their own suffering. Are they here on the forum with you? And how do they feel about the misery you're all experiencing together?

i'm pretty positive none of them know the forum exists; in fact, if they knew i was on it, they probably wouldn't really approve of it. i don't have any friends outside the internet outside of one person if we're being honest here, so it's not like most of these people i've been around for so long even know me personally. i'm honestly not sure what their takes on suffering and whether or not we should have the right to choose are (and i'm honestly afraid to even ask), but they're all suffering in their own rights nonetheless. it's fucked up, really, having to witness all of this go on and being completely powerless to do anything about it--i've had multiple people on multiple occasions come to me when they're at the brink and about to go through with it and it destroys me every single time without fail because i don't have the slighest clue what i can do for them when shit is so miserable (once again probably on a tangent i shouldn't be on, bear with me here lol, i'm kind of fucking exhausted as i'm writing this out and i expec my reply is probably pretty incoherent at this point haha. thank you again, though, i'm still somewhat relieved that i'm being listened to without judgement, it's not something i'm particularly used to)

 

[FuneralCry]

It really can be so awful feeling trapped in a situation of endless suffering and it does sound really tiring what you have to go through. The reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel and there certainly seems to be no peace to be found in existing. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[redisblue]

thank you so much, i really do appreciate it :) i hope things will work out for you as well, and you're free to do the same if you ever need anything, i'm pretty awful at responding to things in a way that is actually beneficial to anyone but i'd be more than willing to listen

Of course! Thank you as well, that means a lot :) Don't worry, I get you, I'm not great with advice or saying anything beneficial but I can listen!