Venting im mentally exhausted

[slightoverlooked]

I hate it. I am so mentally exhausted. My therapist always tells me shes the most scared I will ctb when I seem mentally exhausted and unable to hide my feelings. Its new years eve and I am so mentally exhausted. I am just crying all day and being snippy towards my family. I hate everything and everyone. And ik my mental exhaustion comes from feeling unloved and lonely.
honestly my only wish is to be loved by someone that loves all of me. That unconditionally loves me and accepts me how I am. New Year and i still never had any romantic partner or love interest. Maybe I am too depressed to see the ppl around me. Maybe its my fault, as always.

One warm genuine hug would probably be enough to convince me to not take my life. But all hugs from friends feel forced and cold even if they arent.
Humans are egoistic its rare to impossible to have someone commit themselves to me. Of course I would do the same. Honestly I love strongly and I care a lot about the people around me.
I feel pathetic.

Many people tell me I am pretty but i cant see it. I tell myself if i lose more weight till bmi 15 or 13 someone will love me but i want to be loved in every shape and with all my scars. Is that possible? I dont want to live in a world in which I will die alone. All my friends r already replacing and abandoning me for their romantic partners or bc I am not important enough for them. One day my parents will die, my cats will die, my siblings will marry someone and have kids. Their kids obviously will be their priority. What about me? I already dont feel close to my family bc of childhood neglect and some other stuff. its complicated.

When my mom dies there wont be anyone truly loving me. Shes the only human that loves me genuinely. shes still young but one day she wont be. I'm suffering sm. its 11 pm. one hour and i can suffer one more year.
I want to die so bad. But idk if i can. i lost all my faith but i sit here and beg god. god pls end my life. god pls make this stop. why do you hate me sm? what did i do in my past live to deserve this?
Im sorry for venting sm on this forum. I might be here for years till I decide to end it all. idk yet. I'm sorry.
I wish we all wouldn't go through this agonizing feeling of wanting to die. no one understands it.
i didn't read through this. sorry for mistakes.

 

[Ksmиda]

I'm sorry about what you're going through right now, especially at a time when things are supposed to be nice. It feels horrible not being able to be happy during christmas/ new year.

All my friends r already replacing and abandoning me for their romantic partners

Yeah, that kind of thing is inevitable in some friendships. But if they really are your friends, they will not completely replace you, they will still reach out, but less.
If they don't care about you and don't reach out to you after a while, then it's safe to assume they aren't your friends anymore. Losing friends is one of those things that happens slowly and then hits you one day, it's one of the worst realisations.

I'm sorry I can't offer more advice or words of comfort - my brain has been working really slowly the past few days.

I hope things get better for you and happy new year.

 

[IWishToDie]

I hate it. I am so mentally exhausted. My therapist always tells me shes the most scared I will ctb when I seem mentally exhausted and unable to hide my feelings. Its new years eve and I am so mentally exhausted. I am just crying all day and being snippy towards my family. I hate everything and everyone. And ik my mental exhaustion comes from feeling unloved and lonely.
honestly my only wish is to be loved by someone that loves all of me. That unconditionally loves me and accepts me how I am. New Year and i still never had any romantic partner or love interest. Maybe I am too depressed to see the ppl around me. Maybe its my fault, as always.

One warm genuine hug would probably be enough to convince me to not take my life. But all hugs from friends feel forced and cold even if they arent.
Humans are egoistic its rare to impossible to have someone commit themselves to me. Of course I would do the same. Honestly I love strongly and I care a lot about the people around me.
I feel pathetic.

Many people tell me I am pretty but i cant see it. I tell myself if i lose more weight till bmi 15 or 13 someone will love me but i want to be loved in every shape and with all my scars. Is that possible? I dont want to live in a world in which I will die alone. All my friends r already replacing and abandoning me for their romantic partners or bc I am not important enough for them. One day my parents will die, my cats will die, my siblings will marry someone and have kids. Their kids obviously will be their priority. What about me? I already dont feel close to my family bc of childhood neglect and some other stuff. its complicated.

When my mom dies there wont be anyone truly loving me. Shes the only human that loves me genuinely. shes still young but one day she wont be. I'm suffering sm. its 11 pm. one hour and i can suffer one more year.
I want to die so bad. But idk if i can. i lost all my faith but i sit here and beg god. god pls end my life. god pls make this stop. why do you hate me sm? what did i do in my past live to deserve this?
Im sorry for venting sm on this forum. I might be here for years till I decide to end it all. idk yet. I'm sorry.
I wish we all wouldn't go through this agonizing feeling of wanting to die. no one understands it.
i didn't read through this. sorry for mistakes.

Well, so tired of bein' so tired
Why I gotta build somethin' beautiful just to go set it on fire?
I'm no liar, but
Sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth
Maybe 'cause it ain't
I just love the way it sound when I say it, yeah
It's what I do
If you know me, it ain't anything new
Wake up to the moon, haven't seen the sun in a while
But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah
I heard they don't talk about me too much no more
And that's the problem with a closed door
- Good News