Venting I’m lost

[Ifonlysheknew]

over the course of my life, it feels like things just keep happening. From being raised by someone who left me without so much as a goodbye, to getting close to people and have them end up gone or dead. I watched my mother die, and the one person after that who could really _see_ me, my teacher, died two weeks after she assured me she was okay and promised she'd still live.
I probably sound like a winy brat, I know. I have clothes on my back, food on my plate and a roof over my head. I do everything I can to make that worth it, the money and time that's been invested in me. I'm a top student and do well in other fields aswell. Yes, on paper, it seems like everything is perfect. But no matter what I do, I remain a misreable fuck. I try to fill up this emptiness inside me with everything from excessive studying to promiscuity, but nothing helps. I've been to several therapists and I'm on medication. I've tried everything. But nothing works. Nobody knows what the hell to do with me, nor do I. I have literally begged my therapists, "please help me not be miserable every day of my life. Please let this end" but all I ever get in return is a tight smile and some textbook reply.
I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm hopeless. I just want to be a normal kid. I wanna fight with my mom abt wearing short skirts and going out with boys. I want to gossip with my friends and fight over the tv with my brother. I want to help myself, people, anything. I want to be held when I cry, and have someone tell me it'll be okay. I want to not always have to be on guard. But all I seem to be is a helpless lump of pain in the middle of a desolate wasteland. Alone. Unseen, unheard. Nothing helps. I don't know what step there even is after seeing a therapist. I've tried speaking to others but it's all the same.
I just want this pain to end.

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs :(

 

[Letmego. Please]

Hey, nice to meet you, sorry it is here. You have suffered the loss of the people nearest too you, for that you have my greatest sympathy, you do not sound like a 'winey brat' You are not a winey brat, you have just lost the people closest too you, why would that not hurt? I respect your decisions whatever you chose. But..

Being 'normal' is way overrated and honestly only really exists in tv land & in the faces of your peers till they too close their door behind them, you never really can tell if that happy normal person is what they seem. So please don't make a choice based on what society deems normal. I will not dismiss you as a kid with no idea yet of what will make you happy as i was 14yrs old when i first made that choice myself, but i will try to help you find a way of living before i will help you find a way of leaving.

Sorry if thats a bit disjointed, not enough caffeine yet, but you are not alone, unseen, or uncared for here. ((Hugs))

 

[RyanSuicide]

over the course of my life, it feels like things just keep happening. From being raised by someone who left me without so much as a goodbye, to getting close to people and have them end up gone or dead. I watched my mother die, and the one person after that who could really _see_ me, my teacher, died two weeks after she assured me she was okay and promised she'd still live.
I probably sound like a winy brat, I know. I have clothes on my back, food on my plate and a roof over my head. I do everything I can to make that worth it, the money and time that's been invested in me. I'm a top student and do well in other fields aswell. Yes, on paper, it seems like everything is perfect. But no matter what I do, I remain a misreable fuck. I try to fill up this emptiness inside me with everything from excessive studying to promiscuity, but nothing helps. I've been to several therapists and I'm on medication. I've tried everything. But nothing works. Nobody knows what the hell to do with me, nor do I. I have literally begged my therapists, "please help me not be miserable every day of my life. Please let this end" but all I ever get in return is a tight smile and some textbook reply.
I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm hopeless. I just want to be a normal kid. I wanna fight with my mom abt wearing short skirts and going out with boys. I want to gossip with my friends and fight over the tv with my brother. I want to help myself, people, anything. I want to be held when I cry, and have someone tell me it'll be okay. I want to not always have to be on guard. But all I seem to be is a helpless lump of pain in the middle of a desolate wasteland. Alone. Unseen, unheard. Nothing helps. I don't know what step there even is after seeing a therapist. I've tried speaking to others but it's all the same.
I just want this pain to end.

I empathise with you. Unfortunately their is no magical cure for mental health problems and psychological suffering. Living is too hard and dying is too hard. It seems most of us are stuck in a tormenting limbo with no way out. If it means anything we on this forum are here to give you advice and support while you are still on this earth. Wether or not you want to ctb is your decision and your decision alone. Take care and lots of love

 

[21Neberg]

over the course of my life, it feels like things just keep happening. From being raised by someone who left me without so much as a goodbye, to getting close to people and have them end up gone or dead. I watched my mother die, and the one person after that who could really _see_ me, my teacher, died two weeks after she assured me she was okay and promised she'd still live.
I probably sound like a winy brat, I know. I have clothes on my back, food on my plate and a roof over my head. I do everything I can to make that worth it, the money and time that's been invested in me. I'm a top student and do well in other fields aswell. Yes, on paper, it seems like everything is perfect. But no matter what I do, I remain a misreable fuck. I try to fill up this emptiness inside me with everything from excessive studying to promiscuity, but nothing helps. I've been to several therapists and I'm on medication. I've tried everything. But nothing works. Nobody knows what the hell to do with me, nor do I. I have literally begged my therapists, "please help me not be miserable every day of my life. Please let this end" but all I ever get in return is a tight smile and some textbook reply.
I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm hopeless. I just want to be a normal kid. I wanna fight with my mom abt wearing short skirts and going out with boys. I want to gossip with my friends and fight over the tv with my brother. I want to help myself, people, anything. I want to be held when I cry, and have someone tell me it'll be okay. I want to not always have to be on guard. But all I seem to be is a helpless lump of pain in the middle of a desolate wasteland. Alone. Unseen, unheard. Nothing helps. I don't know what step there even is after seeing a therapist. I've tried speaking to others but it's all the same.
I just want this pain to end.

I can't imagine the pain you have gone through, especially after losing your teacher, the only person who you could really talk to. Do you have any other people who you're close enough to to tell them about your pain?

 

[Ifonlysheknew]

I can't imagine the pain you have gone through, especially after losing your teacher, the only person who you could really talk to. Do you have any other people who you're close enough to to tell them about your pain?

I can't say there aren't people who care about me, cuz they do on some level. Or at least that's what I think and hope.
But it's like I'm looking through a one-way glass wall, I can see them but they can see me. All they see is a reflection of what they want, which I've become accustomed to dancing around. That way, at least there blank stare, but with a smile.
I've tried pounding, screaming, trying to break it. The most they do is cock their heads to the side. My fists are bruised and bloody, yet they remain unphased. Only one person had ever even realized.
I don't blame anyone, of course. I'm not their problem. And now I don't have a mom, I'm no ones problem. I'm my own problem. But I can barely keep afloat, let alone juggle at the same time.
I have tried every approach I can think of, From outwardly searching for help to inwardly trying to trick myself into having a sense of some form of security.
Hell I've sat in a box under my study desk, closed tight with every pillow and stuffed animal I ever own to try to simulate a hug, cuz apparently it's suppose to stimulate the production of oxytocin which should help, supposedly.
Nothing I do works, ever. Im on my 8th therapist now, cuz all of them don't seem to know what to do with me. "We're not qualified to help you with this" or "there's not much we can do other than give it time" they say, as they toss me to the next. I have waited my entire life, and I don't think I have the energy to do that anymore.
My current therapists is slightly less of an asshole. Actually, she seems pretty nice, but don't they all? Nevertheless, I find myself incapable of just "pouring it out" or so they say. I've done this so many times before, it feels scripted. So now I'm fucking up even talking which is _oh-so-wonderful_.
I'm getting closer to the age where my medical bills won't be covered by a policy my mom had. I'm covered till I'm legally an adult, and I'm terrified cuz that is coming up soon enough. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. I lose yet another thing.
Then again, why am I surprised? This keeps happening. No matter how much I try and I push and I beg. It always come back to this.
Why do I bother? I don't know. If only I wasn't such a coward, I'd already be with my mom and Teacher.

 

[Eren]

I can feel the pain in your words, the truth I do not know what to tell you, sometimes life is not as simple as having money, food and home, I know what it is to feel bad without an "apparent reason" and the truth I do not know how to solve that, I have also taken medication and it did not help me much.

Hugs and encouragement.

 

[Xerox]

over the course of my life, it feels like things just keep happening. From being raised by someone who left me without so much as a goodbye, to getting close to people and have them end up gone or dead. I watched my mother die, and the one person after that who could really _see_ me, my teacher, died two weeks after she assured me she was okay and promised she'd still live.
I probably sound like a winy brat, I know. I have clothes on my back, food on my plate and a roof over my head. I do everything I can to make that worth it, the money and time that's been invested in me. I'm a top student and do well in other fields aswell. Yes, on paper, it seems like everything is perfect. But no matter what I do, I remain a misreable fuck. I try to fill up this emptiness inside me with everything from excessive studying to promiscuity, but nothing helps. I've been to several therapists and I'm on medication. I've tried everything. But nothing works. Nobody knows what the hell to do with me, nor do I. I have literally begged my therapists, "please help me not be miserable every day of my life. Please let this end" but all I ever get in return is a tight smile and some textbook reply.
I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm hopeless. I just want to be a normal kid. I wanna fight with my mom abt wearing short skirts and going out with boys. I want to gossip with my friends and fight over the tv with my brother. I want to help myself, people, anything. I want to be held when I cry, and have someone tell me it'll be okay. I want to not always have to be on guard. But all I seem to be is a helpless lump of pain in the middle of a desolate wasteland. Alone. Unseen, unheard. Nothing helps. I don't know what step there even is after seeing a therapist. I've tried speaking to others but it's all the same.
I just want this pain to end.

I see you there. FWIW, I don't think you're a "whiny brat" by any means. It sounds as if you're a lonely soul who's had to contend with too much loss at too early an age. Through no fault of your own. I hope you can find some peace within yourself. You're an eloquent writer. :) huG

 

[StreamingMySuicide]

I can truly relate to you.. I feel the same, I think I'm thought of as a "whiny brat" as well.. I'm sorry and I hope things become what you want.