Venting I’m lost and angry

[todestrieb]

I've wanted to ctb since I was 9 years old. That is a very long time. There was always something menial holding me back. I was with my partner for just over four years when I walked away for them to get help. It had become abusive, their illness needed a doctor and I am not an appropriate person to seek advice from. They tried to get help but everything just happened so quick. They ctb in October and ever since it's been such a peaceful jealousy. They texted me and then they were gone. I was never the wiser until I got the call. I was angry and hurt. I felt abandoned. I realized a short time later how very… simple it seemed. If they can, why not me? I was holding on for my child but they are old enough now that they don't want to be near me. I've ruined all of that too. I spent all night last night being ripped a new hole by my child, detailing everything I've ever done wrong and why I'm useless and doing nobody any favors. Kid's right, I have to admit. I do not deny the sins of my past. I pray for nothing but the best for my child, and I pray the person who twisted him this way gets what they deserve. Most of all? I pray that I get what I deserve, and I feel like I deserve the choice to ctb. I miss my partner. I miss my deceased parents. I have no place here anymore, I'm simply taking up space. I'm at peace with my reality and I really do hope that I can follow through with it after these silly dogs pass naturally. I hope every day that I get a quick smash and go by a semi truck so my family can have the life insurance, that'd be the dream.

 

[Smart No More]

Sounds rough. Lot of unsung pain in the world. Feels like a natural disaster to us and everyone around us is getting on with their lives as though nothing happened. Because, for them it didn't.... , yet. Feels like the earth is shaking and swaying beneath your feet and you look around and everyone is calm and happy. Obvlivious to the termoil unfurling beneath your feet and subsequently your heart and mind. You reach and grab for something to steady yourself but everything is broken and unsecured. Onlookers observe with bewilderment and instinctively think you're crazy whilst you try to shout out for help but the words twist and turn through the echoes as they reach their ears, as though you'd ingaged in a game of Chinese whispers. The floor is cracking and you're being swallowed whole. Only you feel it as external pressures continue to bear down on you, adding weight to your sinking body but somehow squeezing you into a kind of nomans land. Neither dead, nore alive. Living in the grey middle ground. Mourning your life and past in a swirling pause in time. Tentatively accepting your end ahead of your loved ones and aquanitnacies. No longer able to voice words with any heart. Life left some time ago and you cling desperately to memories on the slimmest of chances this could turn around and it might provide a desperately needed point of reference to spring back from. But really you accept it's already too late. You're just doing what you have to to bare the weight and pain through this holding pattern in the place between life and death. And the world goes on but you do not.......

.......but somehow, somehow you/we are still here. And how do we deal with it? The truth is we don't. We flail in despair and do only what we must. There are no creature comforts. No indulgent treats. No escapism in recreational activities. No outward creativity that was once so full of life and ideas, no expression or love. Just fragments of memories that serves to reminds us what we lost or could have been. And yet, we still sre here. Existing. A few pounds of flesh and bone wondering why, how and when. What if!

It seems the very gift that makes us human can also be a curse. Still I would never have been without it. For a moment there I was whole!

 

[FuneralCry]

Living is very painful. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I hope you find peace.