I'm losing my mind

[throwaway123]

Every day I am close to a a complete mental breakdown.

The thought of CTB fills me with an immense fear and the thought of living fills me with the same fear. I'm stuck. I know what to do but it's so hard. I've never been so desperate.
I even thought about going to a therapist to get my anxiety and panic attacks under control because I am losing control.

I don't even know how I got trough the past few days. I can't continue like this. I need to do something.
I'm afraid if I try to CTB I am just going to fail and end up in a hospital(method is jumping). If I continue to lose it's just a matter of time before I completely lose it. I've been trying coping mechanisms but they don't have much of an effect on me anymore.

I thought about going to a psychiatrist but I am afraid they are going to section me again.

Obviously I can't tell anyone about this in real life.....

What do I do?

 

[GeorgeJL]

Sounds like you need some medication. You can see your psychiatrist as long as you don't tell them that you want to commit suicide.

 

[Soul]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I agree with @GeorgeJL that you could ask your doctor for better anxiety med; but also, might it help to consider another method? something that might be less inherently scary?

Also, if you're aiming at a particular date to do this, maybe cancel that? For most people there's no real reason to rush, so if you don't feel ready that's okay. You can wait until you're more comfortable.

Here are some hugs

 

[CelestialSky]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I know the feeling, I suffer with daily anxiety & panic, and it sucks. I'd say it's definitely worth trying medication, and seeing if that has any positive impact. Sending hugs your way.

 

[stillwoozy]

I'd try to see a psychiatrist and a therapist like you were saying. Of course, easier said then done, but medication + therapy is worth a try. Worst case is that nothing helps, and you can ctb with more certainty that you did what you can to live?
They won't section you if you don't admit to having plans to ctb. I try to tell a half-truth: that I don't want to live, but I don't want to die.

I think if ctb fills you with immense fear, you should take some time to try to think through it, and going to a therapist (if possible) sounds like a good idea. Of course, death will always be scary, but if you choose to ctb I believe that death should 100% seem more appealing/peaceful than life. If the fear is equal, I would reevaluate.

 

[fisil]

I guess you browse suicide boards for years? There is nothing you can do if they can't help you and you not able to ctb you gone keep rotting away day by day.

 

[Jolene40]

Sounds like you need some medication. You can see your psychiatrist as long as you don't tell them that you want to commit suicide.

This is like something from a horror film. You can't even tell a psychiatrist that you're suicidal??

 

[GeorgeJL]

This is like something from a horror film. You can't even tell a psychiatrist that you're suicidal??

Well you can tell them that you've been thinking about suicide, they just have to be assured that your not actually going to do it or planing on doing it. Like it's one thing I say, I hate my life so much I could commit suicide. Versus I hate my life so much I am going to commit suicide. Very big difference there.

 

[been_there]

Go to doc, get medication for the anxiety and see how that goes. Am not sure of the rules in different countries, but I know in UK they won't section you for ideation if you haven't made plans.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Please try & go see a shrink, i know only too well how you are feeling & please please do not try jumping, i care enough about you, not to want you to end up knackered like me, if nothing else those endless seeming days/weeks/months laid up in a hospital bed unable to carry out the one thing you desperately need sucks big time.

I'm in free fall too, stopped taking meds as i didn't think they helped, but will try my hardest to attend the appt that has been set up for me in a week or so, like you i don't really want to talk to her about my plans, but here at least as a female we are not a high priority.

You can be honest without going into too much detail, they tend to panic if they think you have a plan ready to go, so instead talk about how you feel that what has happened in the past that has necessitated hospital admission is happening again but with your greater awareness of your 'condition' (sorry hate that word) you have come to see her/him for help before it gets to that stage again.