The Tablet
drawing myself to death ❀
- Jul 8, 2021
- 45
2 months ago i remember waking up from a nap only to find this message in my inbox.
why am i bringing this up now?
think of my mind like a spastic, disobedient dog that will wander into dangerous territory when you least expect it.
my first thought for some reason is always to locate razor blades, despite the dogshit success rate.
but then i realize said success rate and open up all the megathreads i'd bookmarked and read a hundred times over.
one by one, i mentally cross each method off the list, because i don't have access to (arguably) the most important items needed to carry them out (firearms, inert gas, N, SN...).
and once again, i'm left with nothing but an overpowering desire to die and zero ways to do anything about it.
i get that life's a bitch, people come, people go, etc etc. but i think i should have the choice to get off this ride, especially considering i'm not getting anything out of it. think of it this way: if the previous 500 days were shit, there's no reason to believe day 501 would be any different. it's like waiting for a train or bus that'll never come.
i don't know what to do.
i don't want to have this "blow over" only to be in the same spot within days or weeks.
something's gotta give.
tl;dr — "i'm washing my hands of your toxic mess, you're too much to handle, please fucking die."i cant do this anymore. i cant continue to guide you anymore. every time i try to help, it's always going downhill. i really had high faith in you and still do but i cant be the one helping anymore. you need professional help and i unfortunately am not the person to do it. you're a great kid but you really choose the worst ways whenever people don't agree with your opinions. after today with your episode and being shown screenshots of yourself and my name being put out in media. i cant. this is so hard for me to say goodbye but i have to. you need to change your ways soon before things will get worse if you continue to say disgusting things out on twitter etc. please take this as a lesson.
why am i bringing this up now?
think of my mind like a spastic, disobedient dog that will wander into dangerous territory when you least expect it.
my first thought for some reason is always to locate razor blades, despite the dogshit success rate.
but then i realize said success rate and open up all the megathreads i'd bookmarked and read a hundred times over.
one by one, i mentally cross each method off the list, because i don't have access to (arguably) the most important items needed to carry them out (firearms, inert gas, N, SN...).
and once again, i'm left with nothing but an overpowering desire to die and zero ways to do anything about it.
i get that life's a bitch, people come, people go, etc etc. but i think i should have the choice to get off this ride, especially considering i'm not getting anything out of it. think of it this way: if the previous 500 days were shit, there's no reason to believe day 501 would be any different. it's like waiting for a train or bus that'll never come.
i don't know what to do.
i don't want to have this "blow over" only to be in the same spot within days or weeks.
something's gotta give.