NinjaCobraKiller
Member
- Jan 19, 2025
- 8
I sent it to gpt chat first because I don't have anyone I could confide in about it. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems and I'm afraid of the reaction of how others might treat me in real life. Only tomorrow during my therapy I'll tell my therapist about it.
Its also my first post here
I'm losing hope. I don't know how to live in such a sick world where everything scares me and seems dangerous and brutal. People are my biggest fear, I can't be around people because I feel that everyone knows that I'm a total fucked up shitty loser in life or they can destory my life mentally much more. I feel ashamed that I'm alive, I feel that I'm the worst type of person because I'm afraid of people and I just don't know what to do in life. I feel that I don't even want to change my life because I can't do it, I'm too weak for even a normal, typical gray life. I simply don't understand anything, I feel like I'm a piece of shit who doesn't want to live because I'm lazy and I don't want to become an adult who has to work and probably meet the expectations of an typical adult person and society. I even live an easy life under my parents' wing and being 22 soon I feel like I'm about 9 years old. I'm getting weaker and weaker mentally, I feel like I'm simply fucked up, even beyond being a mentally ill person. I was finally diagnosed with all three personality types from the obsessive-anxious category with atypical depression + suspend for a few others here but those are the most certain. But I still feel like I'm not trying enough, I probably take illnesses as an excuse that's why life is so hard for me. I feel like I'm simply the worst person in the world and in history or simply the worst type of person with whom nothing good will come out. I seriously wish sometimes that my parents would throw me out of the house and tell me that they don't love me anymore so that I could go and kms feeling that I no longer have any obligations in life. I feel like a bad person, I feel that I'm evil inside and I could just as easily be classified as a dangerous life loser, a misanthrope, maybe even an incel to some extent in terms of some life perspectives or other type of this. Im such an alien to anyone, Im too much weird for anyone and I cant go on with almost anyone.
I feel that everyone is against me, everyone doesn't like me and doesn't care about me, I'm annoying to everyone. After all, who would want to hang out with a loser like me? I don't want to attract others to me since I'm a loser and it's hard for me to be friends with someone. Im evem dreaming about suicide sometimes, in weird way like dreams are but I had it for some time ago and they are so sad.
What's the point of having a job at my dad's company doing renovations if I don't have any special skills to do anything myself, I'm just a helper there mostly. I'm afraid to look for another job, I don't feel like I have any skills and I'm afraid of meeting other people and all that goes with it. I am also stupid and I understand everything later than others, I am too slow in everything.
What is the use of having a hobby like painting or music, if I cannot use it, for example, as a job and earn money from it. If I feel that I can do something, it does me no good anyway because I do not know how to use it further.
Yesterday I was with my extended family for Easter, I thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. However, with other family members I felt like I was shit, that I was worse. Everyone in the family seemed to me to be doing well in life and being strong. Meanwhile, I don't represent anything. I feel like they look at me askance. They probably think why am I not at some college if I am supposedly perceived as someone smart and wise and that I should probably go to college because everyone probably has college diploma these days. And I have no idea what to do with myself, I don't feel professional anywhere, I don't want to go to any college if I don't see a goal for the future, how I could continue it and I wouldn't want to study just for a diploma that I probably won't use anyway because I have no idea how.
I can't stop beating myself up and blaming myself because I simply feel like I'm a wreck of a person who is worthless and is only wasting my place on earth for someone better who could do more good things and even better than me. I have less and less strength to live. I manage to do less and less things in my free time, and sometimes when I feel like I can't live anymore, I try to relieve myself mentally by biting myself up or watching gore movies on the Internet where I see footage of people killing themselves or other terrible things happening in this sick world between all humans. Only this makes me forget about all this inside me for a moment thanks to the strong impressions I get, but then it stays with me and I feel that I see the true reality of this world. I can't stop watching it. I can't do other, more healthy ways of coping when feelings of joy makes me shameful of myself and I don't even have the strength, for example, expressive vent painting to relieve myself emotionally. I feel ashamed and angry at myself when I start to feel better and do something positive only to feel awful again and remember what a loser I am.
I have been going to psychoanalytic therapy for about 3 months but I don't know how much it will help me. I feel that if my therapist sees that I can't change something in my life then it's all for nothing and even no other therapist will help me. I'm ashamed of myself and I don't know what to do. If I can't change then the therapy I've been going to for 3 months won't help me. I don't think my therapist even sees how broken I am inside. I only dream of finding the strength and reasons to ctb and disappear and not feel anything anymore because this world is one big sad absurd joke. I am a disgrace, I feel it deep inside me and it would be better if I died as soon as possible than to continue living, I don't know, only and exclusively for my parents, sister and pets. I only live a far-fetched life. I feel that I don't even want to be happy with my life and be grateful for having it, because everything is unfair, there is constant suffering in the world, and I myself am such a broken man that I am a bad person and I only deserve to suffer, so I prefer to disappear.
So why isn't euthanasia more widely available for people like me? We already have overpopulation and serious threats related to it in the world.
To be honest, I know that I'm writing this with a feeling that you'll probably want to comfort me and give me life advice etc. After all, I have practically no one I could talk to about this, I'm ashamed to even call the helpline, it's beyond me. Maybe this text will also serve as information to others on the other side that euthanasia should be more widely available in the world somehow. I wish life could be better for everyone and that all of this evil go away but all is absurd and everything feels wrong forever.
I don't know what to do with myself, I'm afraid of this life. Everything seems bad and something is always wrong. I can't accept it. I'm ashamed that I'm alive and I can't and don't want to do anything about it. I don't know how to help me anymore and how long I can stay alive. I think I'll be dead before turning 30 years old.
I think that I will definitely ctb someday sadly. This life is just sad and dangerous. Its too much for me, Im too weak. Fuck me basically Im starting to dont care about everything I just giving up and I guess its a matter of time when I will ctb.
Its also my first post here
I'm losing hope. I don't know how to live in such a sick world where everything scares me and seems dangerous and brutal. People are my biggest fear, I can't be around people because I feel that everyone knows that I'm a total fucked up shitty loser in life or they can destory my life mentally much more. I feel ashamed that I'm alive, I feel that I'm the worst type of person because I'm afraid of people and I just don't know what to do in life. I feel that I don't even want to change my life because I can't do it, I'm too weak for even a normal, typical gray life. I simply don't understand anything, I feel like I'm a piece of shit who doesn't want to live because I'm lazy and I don't want to become an adult who has to work and probably meet the expectations of an typical adult person and society. I even live an easy life under my parents' wing and being 22 soon I feel like I'm about 9 years old. I'm getting weaker and weaker mentally, I feel like I'm simply fucked up, even beyond being a mentally ill person. I was finally diagnosed with all three personality types from the obsessive-anxious category with atypical depression + suspend for a few others here but those are the most certain. But I still feel like I'm not trying enough, I probably take illnesses as an excuse that's why life is so hard for me. I feel like I'm simply the worst person in the world and in history or simply the worst type of person with whom nothing good will come out. I seriously wish sometimes that my parents would throw me out of the house and tell me that they don't love me anymore so that I could go and kms feeling that I no longer have any obligations in life. I feel like a bad person, I feel that I'm evil inside and I could just as easily be classified as a dangerous life loser, a misanthrope, maybe even an incel to some extent in terms of some life perspectives or other type of this. Im such an alien to anyone, Im too much weird for anyone and I cant go on with almost anyone.
I feel that everyone is against me, everyone doesn't like me and doesn't care about me, I'm annoying to everyone. After all, who would want to hang out with a loser like me? I don't want to attract others to me since I'm a loser and it's hard for me to be friends with someone. Im evem dreaming about suicide sometimes, in weird way like dreams are but I had it for some time ago and they are so sad.
What's the point of having a job at my dad's company doing renovations if I don't have any special skills to do anything myself, I'm just a helper there mostly. I'm afraid to look for another job, I don't feel like I have any skills and I'm afraid of meeting other people and all that goes with it. I am also stupid and I understand everything later than others, I am too slow in everything.
What is the use of having a hobby like painting or music, if I cannot use it, for example, as a job and earn money from it. If I feel that I can do something, it does me no good anyway because I do not know how to use it further.
Yesterday I was with my extended family for Easter, I thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. However, with other family members I felt like I was shit, that I was worse. Everyone in the family seemed to me to be doing well in life and being strong. Meanwhile, I don't represent anything. I feel like they look at me askance. They probably think why am I not at some college if I am supposedly perceived as someone smart and wise and that I should probably go to college because everyone probably has college diploma these days. And I have no idea what to do with myself, I don't feel professional anywhere, I don't want to go to any college if I don't see a goal for the future, how I could continue it and I wouldn't want to study just for a diploma that I probably won't use anyway because I have no idea how.
I can't stop beating myself up and blaming myself because I simply feel like I'm a wreck of a person who is worthless and is only wasting my place on earth for someone better who could do more good things and even better than me. I have less and less strength to live. I manage to do less and less things in my free time, and sometimes when I feel like I can't live anymore, I try to relieve myself mentally by biting myself up or watching gore movies on the Internet where I see footage of people killing themselves or other terrible things happening in this sick world between all humans. Only this makes me forget about all this inside me for a moment thanks to the strong impressions I get, but then it stays with me and I feel that I see the true reality of this world. I can't stop watching it. I can't do other, more healthy ways of coping when feelings of joy makes me shameful of myself and I don't even have the strength, for example, expressive vent painting to relieve myself emotionally. I feel ashamed and angry at myself when I start to feel better and do something positive only to feel awful again and remember what a loser I am.
I have been going to psychoanalytic therapy for about 3 months but I don't know how much it will help me. I feel that if my therapist sees that I can't change something in my life then it's all for nothing and even no other therapist will help me. I'm ashamed of myself and I don't know what to do. If I can't change then the therapy I've been going to for 3 months won't help me. I don't think my therapist even sees how broken I am inside. I only dream of finding the strength and reasons to ctb and disappear and not feel anything anymore because this world is one big sad absurd joke. I am a disgrace, I feel it deep inside me and it would be better if I died as soon as possible than to continue living, I don't know, only and exclusively for my parents, sister and pets. I only live a far-fetched life. I feel that I don't even want to be happy with my life and be grateful for having it, because everything is unfair, there is constant suffering in the world, and I myself am such a broken man that I am a bad person and I only deserve to suffer, so I prefer to disappear.
So why isn't euthanasia more widely available for people like me? We already have overpopulation and serious threats related to it in the world.
To be honest, I know that I'm writing this with a feeling that you'll probably want to comfort me and give me life advice etc. After all, I have practically no one I could talk to about this, I'm ashamed to even call the helpline, it's beyond me. Maybe this text will also serve as information to others on the other side that euthanasia should be more widely available in the world somehow. I wish life could be better for everyone and that all of this evil go away but all is absurd and everything feels wrong forever.
I don't know what to do with myself, I'm afraid of this life. Everything seems bad and something is always wrong. I can't accept it. I'm ashamed that I'm alive and I can't and don't want to do anything about it. I don't know how to help me anymore and how long I can stay alive. I think I'll be dead before turning 30 years old.
I think that I will definitely ctb someday sadly. This life is just sad and dangerous. Its too much for me, Im too weak. Fuck me basically Im starting to dont care about everything I just giving up and I guess its a matter of time when I will ctb.
