Story im just so done with this

[spiderwebz]

this might get long so sorry about that but i just want to get everything out my chest. i've been depressed and suicidal ever since i was a kid. my father would always drink and i was pretty neglected. nothing especially terrible happened but my childhood just wasn't happy at all. we were poor and i didn't have all the things everyone else had. i was mostly by myself. on top of that, i went undiagnosed with autism until pretty recently. i was always good at school but started to fall off due to the depression and all the other bullshit and once i wasn't the "gifted kid" anymore i was deemed useless. then my parents very dramatically split up and ignored me even more. i live with my mom now but she doesn't really help me with anything and i have to pay her to even be able to live here. I'm 19 and yeah, very mentally ill and autistic. i don't talk to my dad at all anymore, he even ignored my 18th birthday. the only good person in my life is my boyfriend. he really tries to understand and help me and i love him too but the fact that he will never understand my mind is really bothering me. last year i was starting to get better because he moved in. so i was a little more okay last year especially because school ended but this January i lost my cat. and i know it's gonna sound stupid but that cat was my soulmate. he was the only one that understood me fully and didn't judge me ever. he was with me always. and he died very traumatically and i was there and now I've been experiencing PTSD-like symptoms. and i just want to fucking ctb. if he's dead than i should be too. he was still young and i can't help but blame myself for his death. the veterinarian messed up and logically i know i did everything i could but there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me that i could've saved him. i just don't know what to do anymore. if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would be gone by now. and living is just pain every single day. the fact that we live in just a one room doesn't help. and the flat is moldy and i have asthma and we don't have money so my health is just plummeting. and i don't have health insurance because i can't get a normal job due to my mental issues. and on top of that I'm queer and because of that i have even less opportunities. rn i just sell handmade things on etsy but it's not like there's many people wanting to buy that. i never go outside anymore and barely even get out of bed. i wish i had friends. i wish there was a way to make my boyfriend not hurt when i cbt. i don't see a future for me. no money, no way to get a real job, bad health... i don't have a chance to be happy.
i can't do this anymore
sn is easily available to me but the only thing keeping me from ctb is my boyfriend... he really does help but it's like there's nothing in this world that would help enough. and i don't want to hurt him
i don't know what the point of this post is and I'm sorry if it's cringy or too long but I'm just in so much pain and nobody irl truly understands

 

[Absolutely Mad]

Many people here tend to stay alive just not to poison their close ones.
I feel sorry that everything ended up like this for you and that your boyfriend won't understand you to the full extent.

I won't pretend that I undestand you and I won't pretend that I have any advice that would solve your problem. Philosophical "answers" do not help anyway.
But I found that, after all, nothing would grant me happiness. I thought that a good job and money would make it, yet anyway I felt out of place and mentally destroyed. Struggle will never end, so now my masochistic side took it's rightful place to support me. At least I am staying not to destroy my girlfriend and family.

And I really respect that you sell handmade things - I always was terrible at handmaking stuff, not to mention selling anything. Your post was neither long nor cringe, it is ok to share your pain and thoughts.
Grasp of nothingness would be pleasant, but your responsibility and love are stronger than your desire to end all the the pain. It's commendable, and it is not a weakness.

I wish that one day you will find the answer to your problems, whatever it would be.

 

[spiderwebz]

Many people here tend to stay alive just not to poison their close ones.
I feel sorry that everything ended up like this for you and that your boyfriend won't understand you to the full extent.

I won't pretend that I undestand you and I won't pretend that I have any advice that would solve your problem. Philosophical "answers" do not help anyway.
But I found that, after all, nothing would grant me happiness. I thought that a good job and money would make it, yet anyway I felt out of place and mentally destroyed. Struggle will never end, so now my masochistic side took it's rightful place to support me. At least I am staying not to destroy my girlfriend and family.

And I really respect that you sell handmade things - I always was terrible at handmaking stuff, not to mention selling anything. Your post was neither long nor cringe, it is ok to share your pain and thoughts.
Grasp of nothingness would be pleasant, but your responsibility and love are stronger than your desire to end all the the pain. It's commendable, and it is not a weakness.

I wish that one day you will find the answer to your problems, whatever it would be.

thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and I understand why you would feel so tired of it all, it's just awful how people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[freonix]

i'm so sorry all of that happened to you, life can be so horrible for no good reason at all. i don't think it's cringy to talk about your struggles, i can see why you're tired and i'd hope talking about it would help you feel better.

not sure what specific advice to give, but i hope things get better for the both of you, and that you find peace soon. and keep doing handicrafts if you can-i find that using my hands and creating things really helps to take my mind off the nasty stuff going on in my life

 

[Unwr!tten]

this might get long so sorry about that but i just want to get everything out my chest. i've been depressed and suicidal ever since i was a kid. my father would always drink and i was pretty neglected. nothing especially terrible happened but my childhood just wasn't happy at all. we were poor and i didn't have all the things everyone else had. i was mostly by myself. on top of that, i went undiagnosed with autism until pretty recently. i was always good at school but started to fall off due to the depression and all the other bullshit and once i wasn't the "gifted kid" anymore i was deemed useless. then my parents very dramatically split up and ignored me even more. i live with my mom now but she doesn't really help me with anything and i have to pay her to even be able to live here. I'm 19 and yeah, very mentally ill and autistic. i don't talk to my dad at all anymore, he even ignored my 18th birthday. the only good person in my life is my boyfriend. he really tries to understand and help me and i love him too but the fact that he will never understand my mind is really bothering me. last year i was starting to get better because he moved in. so i was a little more okay last year especially because school ended but this January i lost my cat. and i know it's gonna sound stupid but that cat was my soulmate. he was the only one that understood me fully and didn't judge me ever. he was with me always. and he died very traumatically and i was there and now I've been experiencing PTSD-like symptoms. and i just want to fucking ctb. if he's dead than i should be too. he was still young and i can't help but blame myself for his death. the veterinarian messed up and logically i know i did everything i could but there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me that i could've saved him. i just don't know what to do anymore. if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would be gone by now. and living is just pain every single day. the fact that we live in just a one room doesn't help. and the flat is moldy and i have asthma and we don't have money so my health is just plummeting. and i don't have health insurance because i can't get a normal job due to my mental issues. and on top of that I'm queer and because of that i have even less opportunities. rn i just sell handmade things on etsy but it's not like there's many people wanting to buy that. i never go outside anymore and barely even get out of bed. i wish i had friends. i wish there was a way to make my boyfriend not hurt when i cbt. i don't see a future for me. no money, no way to get a real job, bad health... i don't have a chance to be happy.
i can't do this anymore
sn is easily available to me but the only thing keeping me from ctb is my boyfriend... he really does help but it's like there's nothing in this world that would help enough. and i don't want to hurt him
i don't know what the point of this post is and I'm sorry if it's cringy or too long but I'm just in so much pain and nobody irl truly understands

I can completely and perfectly understand how you feel and I'm so sorry your journey has been so rough. You say your cat died because of the Vet? Have you thought about consulting an attorney? I know if anyone hurt my cat, I'd do everything in my power— I'd make it my life's mission to get Justice.

Also, have you thought about or attempted to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling? I understand if you can't but I'm just trying to help and support you the best I can. I hope and pray whatever you choose, it brings you peace and happiness.

 

[spiderwebz]

I can completely and perfectly understand how you feel and I'm so sorry your journey has been so rough. You say your cat died because of the Vet? Have you thought about consulting an attorney? I know if anyone hurt my cat, I'd do everything in my power— I'd make it my life's mission to get Justice.

Also, have you thought about or attempted to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling? I understand if you can't but I'm just trying to help and support you the best I can. I hope and pray whatever you choose, it brings you peace and happiness.

my cat fell sick because of allergies we weren't aware of before and it was easily treatable but the vet gave him antibiotics that were too strong for him. as much as i want to straight up kill the vet and tarnish her reputation, i can't really do that. i don't have proof that this is exactly what happened and i feel like she might blame this on us somehow. this won't bring my cat back and will just give me more stress :( but i absolutely thought about it.
i talk to my boyfriend a lot and he listens and tries to understand but he doesn't suffer with mental health issues so i guess he can't really relate to it... he's really trying his best and i don't blame him for not fully getting it but it still sucks
thank you for the kind response, i really appreciate it :)

 

[Unwr!tten]

Well, If you need someone to vent to who understands and relates to what you're going through, I'm here for you. You can always message me and talk with me and I'm here to listen, okay? You are not alone here and I want you to know that.