Venting I'm just not built for this world

[umjammertranner]

Not even in the "oh capitalism sucks ass" sense i think everyone is suffering from that atm, just more in the way where i don't feel like i belong anywhere. I will just be rambling here down below about my experience in trying to find a place where I belong.

Being autistic, my social skills and interests have never landed me with the popular crowd, but never with the unpopular crowd either. It's hell. I'm too socially adept and find most fellow autists incredibly annoying to the point where I can't spend more than an hour with them at a time, but if I try to socialise with regular people it always ends horribly, they think i'm normal, they say shit like "oh wow you dont seem autistic!" until I do something so horrific out of pure non-awareness and ruin the friendship forever.

My friends call me a hipster because i like niche stuff, but generally wide appeal shit like marvel just do not grab me at all, i wish they did, i wish i could lap up all the dogshit that the general public are fed on a day to day basis and join in with it. It would make life a lot easier. I don't even seek out super niche shit I just stick with whatever speaks to me, sucks then that 9/10 times it's something nobody else does like.
On a similar note, I am a "content creator" (vom) but i cannot do shortform shit, it's soul crushing and i think it's rotting peoples brains, but I cant do super long video essays either so im just kinda stuck in a niche that nobody wants anymore. Again I wish i could like tiktok, I wish i could play into what the systems want from me. But nope.
Whenver people tell me shit like "you should do this!" in regards to content creation I want to cry, because I just wish people like what I actually do instead of having to chase these soul crushing trends.

Wheenever I find a group of people who ARE accepting of me, I feel like an alien, like the odd one out; because I usually am. They all get along great and laugh together and I join in, but in the back of my head i know I dont belong there, I feel like poison, both because of my constant shitstream of horrid thoughts and judgements about them (i feel like if i wasn't so good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings I would be diagnosed with BPD) and because i'm counting down the days until I slip up. Every day I feel like a monster in human skin, pretending to be somone who isn't permenantley emotionally rotted from past experiences and toxic imageboards.

Yet at the same time, I feel like i'm better than most people, and I feel like I have good reason to believe that.

Mainly because of COVID, something that truly showed me how little everyone cared about each other, how everyone loved to play the role of being a thoughtful member of society until they were slightly inconvienienced. If I wasn't misanthropic before COVID then "afterwards" I truly belive that at least 85% of society are just mindless, selfish, sorry excuses for human beings. I did everything in my power to stop the virus from spreading, along with trying to give back to the community by being a key worker during the worst of the pandemic, and how was I rewarded? A fucked immune system and a general sense of giving up. They're weak, they "just wanted to get back to normal" and i am the one who suffered because of it.

It made me realise they don't care. Nobody does in fact. We as a society just do not care about anything, and the ones who do care, USUALLY do for the wrong reasons. My identity is being used in a culture war in my country and the shiteating public are just lapping it up as expected, at this point I don't even blame the right wing for doing what they do, because IT WORKS. If the public fall for their bullshit then they deserve to get fucked as much as possible.

All in all, I am stuck in a world that doesn't care and doesn't have room for me, so why should I bother staying in it? The answer is simple: I shouldn't. Sure there are individuals who would miss me, but they are still a part of it, they still have an easier time fitting into this horrid planet than i do, and they will survive without me.

 

[Hitakiri]

I sympathize with you. I too am misanthropic, and now how it feels to feel inhuman. To feel isolated in a crowd of people, even those I call friends. The world can be a cruel place. Somewhere along the line I decided not to be a glass half empty, or glass half full kind of guy. That there was no glass, and if I'd just get a drink when I'm thirsty. I make due by just having absolutely no expectation of anyone or anything. Ultimately it doesn't matter if I feel I belong in this world or not. There is one thing I do actively want in life, but I feel I'll never have it. It is what it is. I fully understand what it's like to never get the balance right. Never quite in, never quite out. I'm also drawn to a lot of niche, whether it be art, music. I have a fondness for tragedy. For things that actually say something, and don't feel mindless and dull. I'm sorry this world can feel so foreign at times. Some of us want out, and some of us just drift and make due. We all come to our own answers in the end. I wish I could offer more comfort. All I can say is I get it. I hope whatever answer you come to, brings you comfort.

 

[warmsand]

i agree wholeheartedly with all of this. autistic in a way where you can't get along with other autistic people but can't get along with normal people either. it's incredibly frustrating.

wide appeal shit like marvel just do not grab me at all, i wish they did, i wish i could lap up all the dogshit that the general public are fed on a day to day basis and join in with it. It would make life a lot easier.

i've never read something that more accurately described me. i wish i could understand half the shit people like. i wish i could like it too, but i can't, and that further alienates me from society more than i already am. it's so easy to connect with others when you like the same bullshit as they do but its all the same boring bullshit i can't force myself to get into no matter how hard i try. so i end up alone.

Wheenever I find a group of people who ARE accepting of me, I feel like an alien, like the odd one out; because I usually am.

same, i've always been the odd one out since preschool. been through friend circles but never felt comfortable or like i "fit in" anywhere.

All in all, I am stuck in a world that doesn't care and doesn't have room for me, so why should I bother staying in it?

i feel exactly this, all of the time. my belief has always been why bother sticking around if i'm never gonna feel like i belong? endure suffering so i get the "privilege" of being alive to... what? endure more suffering? i've never understood being alive, and i never will.

but reading what you've written here, i feel like i couldve written a lot of it as well. it might not feel like it, but you're really not alone. society in general is full of fucked up people that treat each other like shit and honestly, at certain points in my life, i'm glad i'm not apart of it, because it grosses me out so much. at other points i long to be apart of it just so i'm not so painfully alone.

some things i like about being alive are animals and nature because they're untainted by the shittiness of everything else. because if i'm not apart of society, there's not a single person on this planet that can tell me i'm not apart of nature. where we might not relate to humans we can find solace in animals, at least. i don't know about you but this mindset is what helps me the most when i'm feeling like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really think that it's true that some people aren't meant for existing, at least I've never been. I could simply never want to exist in this cruel and hellish world anyway under any circumstances.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

I relate to how you say covid made you lose all hope for humanity. this is sooo off topic but every day for work I have to drive on this main highway and people go 80-100 mph like it's nothing. I will be going 75 and people will zoom past me and be agitated that i'm going that "slow." I see at least an accident a week on this highway, and that's just what I physically SEE. I know it sounds silly but immediately waking up and seeing humans have 0 regard or respect for each other's safety puts me in a damn bad head space. like I wake up and try to have a good day, and this almost always ruins it. it's very soul crushing to have to see it almost daily.

i'm really sorry to hear about your social issues. I can't relate entirely but I struggle making friends. I'm a social person too so it really sucks the life out of me and puts me in a bad depression not having anyone. you seem like a really cool person though

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well I can relate being autistic too. It sucks and as you said it's certainly not a given that you'll feel connected to other autistic people. More than just a lack of belonging though I feel just lack the most basic wherewithal to just function in this world.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I wasn't meant for this life, neither. Like you, I'm autistic. I was born in the 80's, so this wasn't really considered enough. So, I was just the 'odd' child. My mother treated me as such. I was never part of the popular crowd. I don't really regret that too much, though. I learned early on in life that that takes a lot of artificiality that just doesn't exist in me. Women have always treated me very badly. I'm quiet and reserved for the most part. So, finding a girlfriend was always difficult. Guys just see each other as sexual competition, and always antagonized me more than anything. Every social situation I've ever been in have been nothing short of unmitigated disasters. So, relate to your post a lot. I wonder why people treat a person so terribly but are against self-termination. To me, life seems like a very cruel set up. It has been for me at almost every level.

Mainly because of COVID, something that truly showed me how little everyone cared about each other, how everyone loved to play the role of being a thoughtful member of society until they were slightly inconvienienced.

I think this is what not only crystalized my misanthropy, but also solidified my decision to go through with my decision. Humans regress. That's just what they do. Savagery and degeneracy seem to be the human default. Even their advances in technology are only new ways to kill and oppress themselves. I don't want to exist in that sphere, nor go to the hell that humans are most certainly destined for. Watching people resort to knocking out elderly people for toilet paper and skirt steak made me realize that the human race is doomed. So-called civilization is just a thin vale that hides the true, primitive nature of humans. Peace is too high of an ideal for this species to reach. Just prolonged cease-fires are all one can hope for in this hellscape.

I feel you and a lot of what you articulated in your post.

 

[Traveler VII]

I feel just lack the most basic wherewithal to just function in this world.

I wasn't meant for this life, neither. Like you, I'm autistic. I was born in the 80's, so this wasn't really considered enough. So, I was just the 'odd' child. My mother treated me as such. I was never part of the popular crowd. I don't really regret that too much, though. I learned early on in life that that takes a lot of artificiality that just doesn't exist in me. Women have always treated me very badly. I'm quiet and reserved for the most part. So, finding a girlfriend was always difficult. Guys just see each other as sexual competition, and always antagonized me more than anything. Every social situation I've ever been in have been nothing short of unmitigated disasters. So, relate to your post a lot. I wonder why people treat a person so terribly but are against self-termination. To me, life seems like a very cruel set up. It has been for me at almost every level.



I think this is what not only crystalized my misanthropy, but also solidified my decision to go through with my decision. Humans regress. That's just what they do. Savagery and degeneracy seem to be the human default. Even their advances in technology are only new ways to kill and oppress themselves. I don't want to exist in that sphere, nor go to the hell that humans are most certainly destined for. Watching people resort to knocking out elderly people for toilet paper and skirt steak made me realize that the human race is doomed. So-called civilization is just a thin vale that hides the true, primitive nature of humans. Peace is too high of an ideal for this species to reach. Just prolonged cease-fires are all one can hope for in this hellscape.

I feel you and a lot of what you articulated in your post.

Many thanks to all of you for openly expressing these thoughts.

As someone who was often misdiagnosed by mental health professionals and usually misunderstood generally, I can't help but feel drawn to the raw and emphatic nature of these posts.

In a world that so frequently proclaims its advancements in different areas, those paying close attention know that many things are amiss.

It leads those truly self-aware persons to the conclusion that what so many strive for will only disappoint.

"This is what we're expected to clamber over each other to achieve?"

"This is what the powers that be expect us to want?"

A retreat into a living version of each one's personally preferred "delusion" and a peaceful death could be preferable for some of us, myself included.

If only...

 

[Alfarooq]

Neither am I meant for this world. I'm too dumb to know how to live properly like everyone else. I have no motivation, no potential for success, and because of my uselessness, I always think of performing CTB but I'm not sure how i am even going to pull it off. I'm also becoming a failure like you, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me. And on top of that it's not my only problem. I seem to have a problem with everyone I know as well. Everyone I know, I have seen the cursed side of them at least once. Not a single soul was nice to me my entire life.

Human beings are cursed. No one helps you become happy in this cursed world, no one cares about your existence, and no one helps you succeed. I have been harassed and offended a lot by many bastards, had many fake friends betray me, and every bastard only cares about themselves. There is no one worth trusting in this planet. Everyone around me is succeeding, and I am tired of being left out. Who will care about your existence? If your not smart enough to to make something useful of yourself in this life, you will not get anywhere. I need to CTB asap.

 

[JudasIscariot]

I relate to this a lot. I do not feel built for this world as well. I have never been grabbed by mainstream media or subjects, either, which has been costly to my ability to relate to others. Humans are inherently selfish, much in the way of animals except that we act in self-preserving ways that actively and purposely harm others, as opposed to animals that act purely out of self-preservation as well as instinct.

 

[Archness]

In a world that so frequently proclaims its advancements in different areas, those paying close attention know that many things are amiss.

It leads those truly self-aware persons to the conclusion that what so many strive for will only disappoint.

"This is what we're expected to clamber over each other to achieve?"

"This is what the powers that be expect us to want?"

Wonderfull way of putting this. As the offspring of boomers in the US, I've always felt akin to this. The "good life", it's essentially a myth, that world is long gone. The peak of where we could go now is just low, $$$, clout, 10 seconds of fame, etc.

All in all, I am stuck in a world that doesn't care and doesn't have room for me, so why should I bother staying in it?

If you can't fit in, you'll just stand outside. That's how I've been with society and the world recently. Everyone else will feel they have a "responsabillity" to cain me down here, to force me to fit somehow. It just won't work, and they'd only get upset with me in the end.

I'm also becoming a failure like you, and I don't think I'm going to make it in this cursed world at all, not that I even deserve to live anyway. Life is for successful people and for those who can make use of themselves, not bastards like me.

Loser Failure. Some people shouldn't have been born, that's a truth you're not allowed to say. Just my survival detracts from the world, let alone anything else I do. I guess dying and not being a burden, is the best thing I could do.

 

[themethod]

This might sound a bit weird but I kind of lucked out in so many ways... relatively smart, tall, good looking, well endowed and able to charm females pretty easily... even at 42 i look about 28 am ripped and have a six pack at 205lbs... yet im still here and just ordered my sn and anti-sickness meds today.. why? Well because im so fucking unorganised and i have adhd which makes me endlessly procrastinate and never allows me to focus enough to fulfill my potential... as soon as things start to get diffucult i give up including work, great ideas that could make me rich and relationships so i know ill end up old and alone in some freezing cold mess of a place here in uk wifh fuck all money left one day and i cant let that happen and with this insane world of inflation thats only making that day come faster and faster so i need a an exit plan in place, luckily with all the info here i have a pretty solid one now!
I guess what im saying is there are loads of ways that people just dont function in this world even if on the outside it seems like they have everything and we all have the right to chòose when enough is enough!

 

[umjammertranner]

so i know ill end up old and alone in some freezing cold mess of a place here in uk wifh fuck all money left one day and i cant let that happen and with this insane world of inflation thats only making that day come faster and faster so i need a an exit plan in place, luckily with all the info here i have a pretty solid one now!

I think the UK is probably the most depressing "first world" country there is. Every day I wake up here and its miserable, the people are miserable, the weather is miserable, nobody cares about anything. Nobody thinks anything can be done to solve the problems and the people in power just want to make things worse for us. If i could leave this country I would and maybe i might have a small chance at some form of happiness but nope. i'm stuck here.

I honestly think we're on the verge of a suicide epidemic in the uk if things keep getting as bad as they are. Why any sane person would want to continue living in this godforsaken country is beyond me. I'm waiting for my next universal credit payment to come through and then i'll also be ordering my SN

 

[TAW122]

I share many of the characteristics that you describe in this thread. I too dislike and hate humanity in general (barring some people I know individually and personally), I don't fit in with the world either. I believe that my existence is really just some cruel joke that was there out of accident and convenience just for people to feel good about themselves. I'm also autistic in a sense despite being able to function in the world, and just hate how things are the way they are.. I'm not extraordinary in the fact that I do something exceptional or groundbreaking, but also not severely ill to the point where I'm dysfunctional, so in a sense, limbo.

It is ironic how this world rejects how I am, yet on the same token, refuses to allow people like me to exit with peace and dignity. This world and it's people like me (and others similar to me) to suffer so they can feel good about themselves.

 

[heartbroken12]

I think the UK is probably the most depressing "first world" country there is. Every day I wake up here and its miserable, the people are miserable, the weather is miserable, nobody cares about anything. Nobody thinks anything can be done to solve the problems and the people in power just want to make things worse for us. If i could leave this country I would and maybe i might have a small chance at some form of happiness but nope. i'm stuck here.

I honestly think we're on the verge of a suicide epidemic in the uk if things keep getting as bad as they are. Why any sane person would want to continue living in this godforsaken country is beyond me. I'm waiting for my next universal credit payment to come through and then i'll also be ordering my SN

Wow, well said… wholeheartedly agree with all of this

 

[ManchildLoser]

Not even in the "oh capitalism sucks ass" sense i think everyone is suffering from that atm, just more in the way where i don't feel like i belong anywhere. I will just be rambling here down below about my experience in trying to find a place where I belong.

Being autistic, my social skills and interests have never landed me with the popular crowd, but never with the unpopular crowd either. It's hell. I'm too socially adept and find most fellow autists incredibly annoying to the point where I can't spend more than an hour with them at a time, but if I try to socialise with regular people it always ends horribly, they think i'm normal, they say shit like "oh wow you dont seem autistic!" until I do something so horrific out of pure non-awareness and ruin the friendship forever.

My friends call me a hipster because i like niche stuff, but generally wide appeal shit like marvel just do not grab me at all, i wish they did, i wish i could lap up all the dogshit that the general public are fed on a day to day basis and join in with it. It would make life a lot easier. I don't even seek out super niche shit I just stick with whatever speaks to me, sucks then that 9/10 times it's something nobody else does like.
On a similar note, I am a "content creator" (vom) but i cannot do shortform shit, it's soul crushing and i think it's rotting peoples brains, but I cant do super long video essays either so im just kinda stuck in a niche that nobody wants anymore. Again I wish i could like tiktok, I wish i could play into what the systems want from me. But nope.
Whenver people tell me shit like "you should do this!" in regards to content creation I want to cry, because I just wish people like what I actually do instead of having to chase these soul crushing trends.

Wheenever I find a group of people who ARE accepting of me, I feel like an alien, like the odd one out; because I usually am. They all get along great and laugh together and I join in, but in the back of my head i know I dont belong there, I feel like poison, both because of my constant shitstream of horrid thoughts and judgements about them (i feel like if i wasn't so good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings I would be diagnosed with BPD) and because i'm counting down the days until I slip up. Every day I feel like a monster in human skin, pretending to be somone who isn't permenantley emotionally rotted from past experiences and toxic imageboards.

Yet at the same time, I feel like i'm better than most people, and I feel like I have good reason to believe that.

Mainly because of COVID, something that truly showed me how little everyone cared about each other, how everyone loved to play the role of being a thoughtful member of society until they were slightly inconvienienced. If I wasn't misanthropic before COVID then "afterwards" I truly belive that at least 85% of society are just mindless, selfish, sorry excuses for human beings. I did everything in my power to stop the virus from spreading, along with trying to give back to the community by being a key worker during the worst of the pandemic, and how was I rewarded? A fucked immune system and a general sense of giving up. They're weak, they "just wanted to get back to normal" and i am the one who suffered because of it.

It made me realise they don't care. Nobody does in fact. We as a society just do not care about anything, and the ones who do care, USUALLY do for the wrong reasons. My identity is being used in a culture war in my country and the shiteating public are just lapping it up as expected, at this point I don't even blame the right wing for doing what they do, because IT WORKS. If the public fall for their bullshit then they deserve to get fucked as much as possible.

All in all, I am stuck in a world that doesn't care and doesn't have room for me, so why should I bother staying in it? The answer is simple: I shouldn't. Sure there are individuals who would miss me, but they are still a part of it, they still have an easier time fitting into this horrid planet than i do, and they will survive without me.

This is how i feel too... I am tired of feeling like an outcast, rejected, weird, not fitting in, etc. Its fuking torture. I just cant anymore.

I wasn't meant for this life, neither. Like you, I'm autistic. I was born in the 80's, so this wasn't really considered enough. So, I was just the 'odd' child. My mother treated me as such. I was never part of the popular crowd. I don't really regret that too much, though. I learned early on in life that that takes a lot of artificiality that just doesn't exist in me. Women have always treated me very badly. I'm quiet and reserved for the most part. So, finding a girlfriend was always difficult. Guys just see each other as sexual competition, and always antagonized me more than anything. Every social situation I've ever been in have been nothing short of unmitigated disasters. So, relate to your post a lot. I wonder why people treat a person so terribly but are against self-termination. To me, life seems like a very cruel set up. It has been for me at almost every level.



I think this is what not only crystalized my misanthropy, but also solidified my decision to go through with my decision. Humans regress. That's just what they do. Savagery and degeneracy seem to be the human default. Even their advances in technology are only new ways to kill and oppress themselves. I don't want to exist in that sphere, nor go to the hell that humans are most certainly destined for. Watching people resort to knocking out elderly people for toilet paper and skirt steak made me realize that the human race is doomed. So-called civilization is just a thin vale that hides the true, primitive nature of humans. Peace is too high of an ideal for this species to reach. Just prolonged cease-fires are all one can hope for in this hellscape.

I feel you and a lot of what you articulated in your post.

I feel exactly the same, honestly. Couldnt have said it better. At least i know i am not alone

Wonderfull way of putting this. As the offspring of boomers in the US, I've always felt akin to this. The "good life", it's essentially a myth, that world is long gone. The peak of where we could go now is just low, $$$, clout, 10 seconds of fame, etc.


If you can't fit in, you'll just stand outside. That's how I've been with society and the world recently. Everyone else will feel they have a "responsabillity" to cain me down here, to force me to fit somehow. It just won't work, and they'd only get upset with me in the end.

Loser Failure. Some people shouldn't have been born, that's a truth you're not allowed to say. Just my survival detracts from the world, let alone anything else I do. I guess dying and not being a burden, is the best thing I could do.

That is the hard truth. I am a loser too. Destined to die alone with no offsprings because weak losers like me will be shamed and tossed aside.
Thats just the cruel world we live in.
So why can't the "normies" let us die in peace? Its so frustrating.

Wonderfull way of putting this. As the offspring of boomers in the US, I've always felt akin to this. The "good life", it's essentially a myth, that world is long gone. The peak of where we could go now is just low, $$$, clout, 10 seconds of fame, etc.


If you can't fit in, you'll just stand outside. That's how I've been with society and the world recently. Everyone else will feel they have a "responsabillity" to cain me down here, to force me to fit somehow. It just won't work, and they'd only get upset with me in the end.

Loser Failure. Some people shouldn't have been born, that's a truth you're not allowed to say. Just my survival detracts from the world, let alone anything else I do. I guess dying and not being a burden, is the best thing I could do.

That is the hard truth. I am a loser too. Destined to die alone with no offsprings because weak losers like me will be shamed and tossed aside.
Thats just the cruel world we live in.
So why can't the "normies" let us die in peace? Its so frustrating.