I'm just an ape stuck on a blue rock

[WornOutLife]

This is the way I've been feeling since yesterday because of the goddamn DOWNS of my bipolar disorder. It's been a long time since I had them but now they're here again.

Somehow, today, I've managed to work with a smiling face but now I'm quite depressed.

I just don't understand existence. Why on Earth is there any life at all? The more answers I seek, the more confused I end up.

I guess I'm nothing but an ape caught on a blue rock.

Also, I'm scared of trying to ctb impulsively. I know it would be quite silly to do that but well, who knows?...

I'll do my best to wait for the UPS. I was having extremely happy days and now it's time to suffer again, for some time, I guess.

Thanks for reading my venting.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

Everyday I wake up and think why am I still here. Life literally is the most pointless thing ever. Nothing we even do matters and I think some people don't even consider that as they are so distracted by their lives. At least you get good moments, I can't even remember what it is like to be happy, I would love to steal it from someone. Depression sucks though :(

 

[motel rooms]

I hate to bug you with this, but you really need to try & give up drinking entirely. I'm sure alcohol interacts with your meds in very ugly ways. Unless you're just faking it to make other people on SS feel better, you come across as someone who is actually still able to experience happiness

 

[WornOutLife]

I hate to bug you with this, but you really need to try & give up drinking entirely. I'm sure alcohol interacts with your meds in very ugly ways. Unless you're just faking it to make other people on SS feel better, you come across as someone who is actually still able to experience happiness

Oh, I wish I was faking this goddamn bipolar disorder. I can sometime experience happiness but it doesn't last very long.
Yeah, it seems drinking gets me too happy but the consequences are quite hard. However, this also happened to me when I didn't drink.

Anyway, thanks for the advice! :)

 

[motel rooms]

Oh, I wish I was faking this goddamn bipolar disorder. I can sometime experience happiness but it doesn't last very long.
Yeah, it seems drinking gets me too happy but the consequences are quite hard. However, this also happened to me when I didn't drink.

I know you're not faking it. I guess only you can tell if drinking makes your lows worse or not...

 

[nopointofliving]

Oh, I wish I was faking this goddamn bipolar disorder. I can sometime experience happiness but it doesn't last very long.
Yeah, it seems drinking gets me too happy but the consequences are quite hard. However, this also happened to me when I didn't drink.

Anyway, thanks for the advice! :)

Many people tell me: "you're alright, you have no problem, stop crying over nothing". When I'm feeling a bit okay, they say: "oh you're happy, you're completely recovered". I hate such comments and judgements. Yes, we get time when feel better or a bit okay, but it isn't like we become happy people and everything suddenly gets to work in our life.

A few days ago, I was doing much better, and suddenly all the negative judgments and comments got to my head. I feel so down and lonely. They think they know you better, and all what they you do is giving advice. I know how it feels, Matt.

This is the way I've been feeling since yesterday because of the goddamn DOWNS of my bipolar disorder. It's been a long time since I had them but now they're here again.

Somehow, today, I've managed to work with a smiling face but now I'm quite depressed.

I just don't understand existence. Why on Earth is there any life at all? The more answers I seek, the more confused I end up.

I guess I'm nothing but an ape caught on a blue rock.

Also, I'm scared of trying to ctb impulsively. I know it would be quite silly to do that but well, who knows?...

I'll do my best to wait for the UPS. I was having extremely happy days and now it's time to suffer again, for some time, I guess.

Thanks for reading my venting.

Hugs and love,

Matt

It's okay Matt.
I was feeling much worse hours ago, I just put my hand on my heart and slept. When thoughts attack so hard, please take rest. Sleep for while. You may feel better.

 

[whywere]

Hi Matt!!!! @WornOutLife ! I have BPD and it makes for some really crappy times. I mentioned this because when I read your post, I just started to cry, yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, because you are such a super nice person with a HUGE heart of gold. You do NOT deserve to be down in the dumps and I hope your bi polar goes way down. Always remember that YOU ARE part of the global family here and you have helped out so many people that you are amazing, hands down! Does having a few (alcohol) hurt or not? Really nobody can say because everyone is so unique as far as body and brain chemistry that even the "experts" probably do not know. I always think that one is here for such a short time, that a few drinks on occasion is fine to relax with and enjoy life. Matt, YOU ARE a part of our family here and like I have said before I consider you like a brother to me. I send you a lot of empathy and SUPPORT. Have a better rest of your day and tomorrow will be outstanding with beautiful blue skies for you. All my best to you, our outstanding global family member!! Walter

 

[motel rooms]

Many people tell me: "you're alright, you have no problem, stop crying over nothing". When I'm feeling a bit okay, they say: "oh you're happy, you're completely recovered". I hate such comments and judgements. Yes, we get time when feel better or a bit okay, but it isn't like we become happy people and everything suddenly gets to work in our life.

A few days ago, I was doing much better, and suddenly all the negative judgments and comments got to my head. I feel so down and lonely. They think they know you better, and all what they you do is giving advice. I know how it feels, Matt.

I hope you don't think that my comment was judgmental. Matt gives people advice all the time & he's probably the most positive guy on here. That's why all the ladies on SS worship him

 

[nopointofliving]

I hope you don't think that my comment was judgmental. Matt gives people advice all the time & he's probably the most positive guy on here. That's why all the ladies on SS worship him

He was/is really such supportive and kind person to me. I do really appreciate his presence in the community.
You know, we already suffer much, and we hear judgments and comments all our life, and this makes us so sensitive when we hear any advice. We all are in the same boat, and hope things get better for everyone of us. Sending much love to you <3

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

However, this also happened to me when I didn't drink.

Same for me with depression when I did a year sober. Sobriety turned me back to drink lol.

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

What's more we are not just apes, but we are apes with our own civilisation and self-awareness. I mean we know too much and too few at the same time.

For example the universe. We know a lot of things which animals can't understand, but at the same time we can't even answer the basic question how can something come from nothing. And this "knowledge" makes me thinking how pointless this life is.

I would love to be "just" an animal. I don't want to make them inferior. I love animals. They just seem so carefree and not depressed at all. But we don't really know that.

 

[motel rooms]

I would love be "just" an animal. I don't want to make them inferior. I love animals. They just seem so carefree and not depressed at all. But we don't really know that.

Those zebras getting eaten by lions sure seem carefree

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

This is good:

 

[WornOutLife]

@whywere @hotelbeneathground @BluesRunTheGame @nopointofliving @ExhaustedExistence @FuneralCry :

Thank you very much for your words.
The down is finally over. Fortunately, it only lasted 2 days. I just followed @nopointofliving 's advice and slept a lot! :)

Again, thanks a lot! Love u all!