I’m in uni, and I feel like I give off a very different impression/vibe than the actual reality of who I am and my past

[butterfly3]

I've hidden everything that is serious and deep about me from all the new people i've met here. I feel like I come across as confident in my body/looks, having lots of friends (as I hang out with a wide range of different people everyday) and being generally social, happy, mentally stable and not lonely.
but this of course is far from the real truth.
I'm really wondering how people would react if they found out about the fact that I was in hospital only 4 months ago from a suicide attempt, have extremely low self confidence, is actually very lonely and crave deeper connections, feel unloveable and is generally discontent with life. all the family issues i'd dealt with through the long depressive episode. also the fact that I ordered sn but it never arrived, and the fact that if it had arrived, I most likely wouldn't be here right now.
I know most people don't care about others as they're very wrapped up in their own life, but I can't help but wonder. I think it'd actually be disastrous if people knew, as I don't want this false perception they have of me to be ruined, but at the same time I feel like a bit of an imposter.

I'm not as depressed as I was a few months ago which is great, but I wouldn't say that I'm healed. my depression has reduced, i'd say it's gone from severe to moderate/mild but my anxiety has sky rocketed, and I feel incredible lonely and bored.

 

[Thefuture]

You say you have lots of friends but crave deeper connection. What does that look like?
I have no friends and I have all your insecurities and they show. So I hide myself away due to embarrassment. Instead of putting myself out there and taking chances of being liked or disliked. I hide away because deep down I feel like I'll never truly be liked or loved.

 

[butterfly3]

You say you have lots of friends but crave deeper connection. What does that look like?
I have no friends and I have all your insecurities and they show. So I hide myself away due to embarrassment. Instead of putting myself out there and taking chances of being liked or disliked. I hide away because deep down I feel like I'll never truly be liked or loved.

I think it's more like I have a lot of people around me that I can hang out with, but I'm not close with any of them. they do things like make plans in front of me without inviting me, and when lectures end I just go to my room and stay there alone. I also have been really lonely with genuinely no friends in the recent past for a long time, so having people around me like this is all relatively new.
I was exactly like you before, but got frustrated and started trying to talk to people and put up a front as I started uni, but it seems like everyone is very close with others and I'm just an after thought majority of the time, regardless of my effort to make deeper connections.

 

[Thefuture]

I think it's more like I have a lot of people around me that I can hang out with, but I'm not close with any of them. they do things like make plans in front of me without inviting me, and when lectures end I just go to my room and stay there alone. I also have been really lonely with genuinely no friends in the recent past for a long time, so having people around me like this is all relatively new.
I was exactly like you before, but got frustrated and started trying to talk to people and put up a front as I started uni, but it seems like everyone is very close with others and I'm just an after thought majority of the time, regardless of my effort to make deeper connections.

It's hard hey. I guess the only answer is to keep pushing yourself even when you have doubts. Maybe they'll never completely go away. Maybe you just haven't found the right people yet. I commend you for going to uni and trying to put yourself out there. Ever since I dropped out I became a recluse. It's really hard to claw your way out of the abyss. So don't give up just keep putting on a front maybe someday it'll suddenly get easier. I know it's easier said than done. But at least your pain can cause growth. Giving up and still living is a different type of hell. I can't do much with my pain anymore. I'm super stuck. I wish I could go back in time.

 

[freedompass]

But at least your pain can cause growth. Giving up and still living is a different type of hell. I can't do much with my pain anymore. I'm super stuck. I wish I could go back in time.

I totally hear that.

I was no good at masking how I felt, never have been. I was very miserable and lonely at Uni, especially living on campus, surrounded by people apparently having the time of their lives. I was in a deep depression since the previous summer after my gap year. There was much less awareness of mental health problems back then. When it hit I barely knew the word depression.

@butterfly3 some say fake it till you make it. I never seemed to have the energy to pretend to be something I wasn't, personally. It just sounds exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. Sounds like you are experiencing that. If you aren't yourself in your interactions people are denied the chance to know the real you. If on the other hand you are yourself…you can end up just as lonely, for different reasons.

I barely even knew who I was back then. People say 'just be yourself', what does that even mean. 'Being yourself' is no guarantee you will be liked or accepted.

It seems you're doing well to even be there given what you've been through so recently. Just be as kind to yourself as you know how to be. If you aren't the life and soul of the party, or even invited, no one cares except you. Don't pile too much weight of expectation on yourself. Recollect what a terrible time you just survived and give yourself credit for how far you've come. The most valuable person to have on your team will always be you.

 

[butterfly3]

It's hard hey. I guess the only answer is to keep pushing yourself even when you have doubts. Maybe they'll never completely go away. Maybe you just haven't found the right people yet. I commend you for going to uni and trying to put yourself out there. Ever since I dropped out I became a recluse. It's really hard to claw your way out of the abyss. So don't give up just keep putting on a front maybe someday it'll suddenly get easier. I know it's easier said than done. But at least your pain can cause growth. Giving up and still living is a different type of hell. I can't do much with my pain anymore. I'm super stuck. I wish I could go back in time.

yeah understand you, i'll probably keep trying, thank you for the words. I wish you the best in life regardless of your past and giving up, there's still a chance for life to get better for you, regardless of the fact that you gave up in the past