(apologies, im new to this site and accidentally posted this in the private suicide discussion board, i promise im not trying to spam)
about a month ago, i ended a toxic relationship that i was in for about a year. i was planning on moving in with them, studying where they live, etc. but now that things are done, that plan i had set out for is also done. i was dumb enough to put my trust into someone after they offered me a chance at living in a better environment, and i needed that opportunity more than anything. now, im stuck and even worse off than i was before. im 2 classes away from finishing my degree but i had to drop out after the breakup and a subsequent hospitalization. i am not in the headspace to go back even for the fall semester, and it just makes me feel like ive fucked up my whole life because of the one time i chose to stick up for myself when i was being treated badly. how am i meant to live with that? how am i meant to be okay? i hate myself more and more every day. im taking medication, im doing group therapy and seeing 2 therapists, and still, nothing seems to ever feel better. i just want it to end. im sick of living without purpose. im sick of seeing my friends and having them love me when all i want to do is die without the guilt of hurting them when i do. i havent been able to cut myself in over a month, i went 5 weeks without smoking pot or having a drink, and all i want to do is fall back onto these vices because i genuinely cant cope with the pain of being present in my life anymore.
about a month ago, i ended a toxic relationship that i was in for about a year. i was planning on moving in with them, studying where they live, etc. but now that things are done, that plan i had set out for is also done. i was dumb enough to put my trust into someone after they offered me a chance at living in a better environment, and i needed that opportunity more than anything. now, im stuck and even worse off than i was before. im 2 classes away from finishing my degree but i had to drop out after the breakup and a subsequent hospitalization. i am not in the headspace to go back even for the fall semester, and it just makes me feel like ive fucked up my whole life because of the one time i chose to stick up for myself when i was being treated badly. how am i meant to live with that? how am i meant to be okay? i hate myself more and more every day. im taking medication, im doing group therapy and seeing 2 therapists, and still, nothing seems to ever feel better. i just want it to end. im sick of living without purpose. im sick of seeing my friends and having them love me when all i want to do is die without the guilt of hurting them when i do. i havent been able to cut myself in over a month, i went 5 weeks without smoking pot or having a drink, and all i want to do is fall back onto these vices because i genuinely cant cope with the pain of being present in my life anymore.
