Venting I'm in a strange situation

[kunikuzushi]

I've spent the last 7 years as a NEET, slowly withdrawing from society, staying very distant from friends and family so as not to traumatize them with my suicide. The last 2 or so years have been spent constantly thinking about my death and trying to prepare.

However, I think I fucked everything up because I impulsively started a new relationship a few weeks ago. I worked so hard to isolate myself so I wouldn't have to hurt anyone with my death.

This relationship, of course, will not stop my suicide. But it's keeping me alive longer, which I don't think is a good thing. It's a distraction from the torture of existence, but it also makes me feel the most unbearable emotions like feeling even worse about myself because I'm a loser piece of shit who does nothing except think about dying and I'm sure they'll get sick of me soon, which will leave me in an even worse mental state than I was in before.

Well, I put myself in this situation. I would really like support and advice because I have no idea what to do with myself. The pain of living is unbearable. I found temporary comfort in someone else. Is it ok to enjoy it for now? Thank you for reading.

 

[snow.mp4]

since i'm not you, i have no right to judge ur emotions but if i were u, id really enjoy the moment of connection and relationship thats available for the moment even if it inevitably may or may not come to an end, in the end we dont know how things are gonna play out so why not satisfy urself for the moment thats around for u? (or so i think)

if its not urgent, id say be around for a little while until eventually u feel the need to truly go since u always have the choice to do it in the end, unlike a relationship which is reliant on a person to person relation which pretty much isnt something u get to decide by urself, of course its a downside at times but this also means u get to rely on somebody and i think people relying on one another on the sake of trust is sometimes beautiful. when ur alone, u can only trust urself and even then, its hard to trust urself a lot of the times. its a bit relieving to put trust in one another when it does really work out the way u expect, and know u can trust them.

of course that other person might not align as well as u trusted them, which really does suck at times but i dont think there is much to be done about that, if u were always afraid of that (i dont blame anybody that has trust issues), it'd be pretty difficult to have a human relationship in the end (though if this is the case it might happen to be not-so-very enjoyable)

its just beautiful when that trust really comes off the way u expect