Venting Im horrible, yet im better

[bass]

Imagine being violently beaten because you spilled a glass of water. Imagine your entire bedroom being torn apart, your clothes thrown in the trash, and your electronics shattered into pieces just because you accidentally woke your father up. Imagine being systematically told every single day by the people who brought you into this world that you are a lowlife, that everyone is better than you, and that you will never amount to anything.

I still remember him punching me and throwing me across the room because I couldn't remember the alphabet. I was four years old. I couldn't even breathe. I was just a kid.

Most people subjected to this level of non- top physical, mental, and verbal abuse end up in addiction, homeless, or suicide.

Right now, I am 21 years old. Despite him literally shattering my laptop right before my finals, and despite dealing with him abusing me while handling midterms, I have a 4.0 GPA in college. On top of that, I built my own income stream. I pull in $6,000 a month and I have $16,000 sitting in savings. Statistically speaking, I am doing better than 99% of people my age. He literally could not have a more successful son if he tried.

My dad is upper-middle class. He made a deal with me: if I paid back my college debt myself, he would pay for half of a car to help me get on my feet.

Today, he told me I should go out and finance a $30,000 car. Then, he did some absolutely delusional napkin math and claimed my payments would only be $150 a month for two years. (For context, the real math is closer to $1,000 a month, even with a massive down payment).

When I told him I couldn't afford those kinds of monthly payments especially since my top priority is using my savings to finally escape his house he sneered at me and said, "I thought you made good money

He flat out didn't believe me, thinking I only made half of what I actually do. So, I pulled out my accounts and proved to him that I made $9,000 in the last six weeks alone.

His face shifted, and he instantly changed his tune. "Well, why are you involving me with your car ?"

I looked at him, completely stunned. "Because you promised you would help me?"

His response? "Yeah, I meant morally."

Morally.

He owns 3 cars, one of which is 100k,

He has never helped me financially a single day in my life. He has destroyed my property, broken my ribs, and broken my spirit, and now he is withdrawing the one and only promise he ever made me. He constantly complains that I "stay in my room all day," while actively pulling the rug out from under the only tool (a car) that would actually allow me to leave.

he had no reason to pullback from his promise besides his pride.

I'm a model, i make good money, im a perfect grade student, im better then anyone I know my age in almost everyway. Yet i feel like trash, i have face and body dysmorphia, i feel like no money is enough, i feel like a failure in school, i feel like im worse then everyone and i have no future , even though objectively im the very opposite.

I might of had my brain wired to never be happy, perfection is worthless if it means nothing to me, i don't care about money, i don't care about grades, i just wish i had a good father, i wish i was loved, i wish he said sorry at least once. Hes prideful, hes a narcissist, hes a sociopath, i wished he would die since i was 6.

 

[auld_fool]

Trauma is damage that we either learn to live with, or it consumes us. Currently I'm thinking of giving up myself, I have been for a long time... I'm just lazy.
Trauma breaks us, it changes us. Robs us of our innocence. Healing is possible, learning to live is possible, if life is what you want.
It sounds like you are capable, and that you're not materialistic. This is a good trajectory for building a life with substantial emotional fulfillment.
Debt has terrified me enough to not even try, I hope you find something you're passionate about. When you have something to love, you end up loving yourself without realising it.
I myself have been looking for friendship, but I seem impossible to love. I don't want to live isolated, I cannot be happy alone. I cannot love myself, I have no passion.

I'm rooting for you to find peace and the life/death that you want.

 

[SASU-KE]

Information can always be used against you. Never let them know about your finances in the future. I know it's tempting, but you got to refrain. Parents will change their plans immediately if they know that you have some money. Regardless, your dad is a particularly scummy guy.

You're a champ, dude. Keep doing what you're doing. Anyone can see that you're doing the right things. When your father's alone, old and weak, one day he'll regret all this, but then it won't matter. It'll be too late for him.

 

[bass]

Trauma is damage that we either learn to live with, or it consumes us. Currently I'm thinking of giving up myself, I have been for a long time... I'm just lazy.
Trauma breaks us, it changes us. Robs us of our innocence. Healing is possible, learning to live is possible, if life is what you want.
It sounds like you are capable, and that you're not materialistic. This is a good trajectory for building a life with substantial emotional fulfillment.
Debt has terrified me enough to not even try, I hope you find something you're passionate about. When you have something to love, you end up loving yourself without realising it.
I myself have been looking for friendship, but I seem impossible to love. I don't want to live isolated, I cannot be happy alone. I cannot love myself, I have no passion.

I'm rooting for you to find peace and the life/death that you want.

I know what its like to live in isolation, ive spent months without speaking to a single person in past, humans are social beings, its really hard to stay mentally in tact without someone by your side. We naturally subconsciously base our self worth from external feedback. Thank you for your kind words friend. I am currently stressed, and just speaking to you helped me a little bit.

Information can always be used against you. Never let them know about your finances in the future. I know it's tempting, but you got to refrain. Parents will change their plans immediately if they know that you have some money. Regardless, your dad is a particularly scummy guy.

You're a champ, dude. Keep doing what you're doing. Anyone can see that you're doing the right things. When your father's alone, old and weak, one day he'll regret all this, but then it won't matter. It'll be too late for him.

People like him die in despair, generativity gives people a sense of their life having a purpose. I know he will die hated, whats so sad is that i used to love him as a kid , despite the abuse.

I really do try my best for now, i have hope it will be over one day.

 

[volo]

Sorry you are in this situation, my heart is breaking for you. He is like this, and he will always be like this, don't expect him to change. I am Much older than you and there were moments in my life when I believed my mother would pull through and actually do something good for me, but I ended up feeling disappointed or betrayed every time. And she wasn't even terribly abusive during my childhood, just emotionally neglectful. So, some people just do not have the capacity to be good, and it is what it is, as they say.

See if you can get out of that house asap, and maybe even live with some roommates, other kids in college like you. Pay rent somewhere for a room and share a kitchen and a bathroom. Get an older, but reliable car. For cash. Or a smaller loan, maybe there's gonna be inflation everywhere, and the loan payment gets to feel smaller relatively speaking. Finish your degree.
With a parent like this, not loving you, it is possible that you will feel horrible and unlovable most of your life and life will always feel heavy for you. But it is what it is.
Your father will likely turn around a few years before he's about to die, and wonder, why does his son not love him, and what is the issue?, he was always supportive of you, he will say, and he will believe it. That's what's happening in my case, anyway.

I think the best you can do in life is to decide to be a good father to your future children, and try to escape the pattern of generational abuse.

Sending you love, light, hugs, and strength.

 

[bass]

Sorry you are in this situation, my heart is breaking for you. He is like this, and he will always be like this, don't expect him to change. I am Much older than you and there were moments in my life when I believed my mother would pull through and actually do something good for me, but I ended up feeling disappointed or betrayed every time. And she wasn't even terribly abusive during my childhood, just emotionally neglectful. So, some people just do not have the capacity to be good, and it is what it is, as they say.

See if you can get out of that house asap, and maybe even live with some roommates, other kids in college like you. Pay rent somewhere for a room and share a kitchen and a bathroom. Get an older, but reliable car. For cash. Or a smaller loan, maybe there's gonna be inflation everywhere, and the loan payment gets to feel smaller relatively speaking. Finish your degree.
With a parent like this, not loving you, it is possible that you will feel horrible and unlovable most of your life and life will always feel heavy for you. But it is what it is.
Your father will likely turn around a few years before he's about to die, and wonder, why does his son not love him, and what is the issue?, he was always supportive of you, he will say, and he will believe it. That's what's happening in my case, anyway.

I think the best you can do in life is to do decide to be a good father to your future children, and try to escape the pattern of generational abuse.

Sending you love light hugs and strength.

I plan to get an older car currently , save up 10k and move out with another person. I felt like that plan was shattered or delayed when he withdrew his help. I understand now that he does not care for me or my success like he would sometimes say.

I my self worry i will turn out like him, i was just like him when i was 16 from subconscious mirroring, i was a near copy. I changed , and i have deep hatred for people like him, i have put deep effort into changing my self over years.

My mother had a client over one time which had a husband, that husband spoke to me privately upstairs, just small talk. He was my fathers age, he acknowledged my success, i felt safe talking to him , he listened , he didn't raise his voice, he gave me advice on my father and life overall, i wished that moment i had a father like him. Later he invited me to his baby shower, i didn't come , but he told my mother he hopes he has a son like me. I don't know how much older you are then me, but its nice to hear something nice , since i have been conditioned that older adults are generally like my father, its nice to be proven wrong.

 

[volo]

I plan to get an older car currently , save up 10k and move out with another person. I felt like that plan was shattered or delayed when he withdrew his help.

Time is on your side. Just keep doing what you are doing, you're on the right track. You can make it, just a few months more.

…. he gave me advice on my father and life overall, i wished that moment i had a father like him. Later he invited me to his baby shower, i didn't come , but he told my mother he hopes he has a son like me.

I wish you would have gone to that baby shower. He may have wanted to befriend you, help you or guide you, in a way, seeing how bad your situation was. When you find good and positive people, in the future, try to stay in touch with them. You become like the people you associate with.

I don't know how much older you are then me, but its nice to hear something nice , since i have been conditioned that older adults are generally like my father, its nice to be proven wrong.

Glad to be of help. There are a lot of nice people here, old and young.