SanguineShark
I am the monster you created
- Jun 23, 2023
- 228
Is anyone else aware what exactly their problem is, but you're too weak to fix it?
That's how I feel.
I'm crying because I thought that I wish I had a group of people who deeply know me, all the ugly stuff about me, tell me they want me to stay in their life and that they like/love my company.
But, I already had a few people say it, it's just it wasn't a group, it was hyperspecific individuals. I have someone who's in love with me right now, they love me, even despite all of my ugly parts (like this exact suicidality).
But it just, it does nothing. I always find an excuse to kill myself, I think that these positive things must be temporary, from what I learned from people in my life: conversations and spending time with me is a chore, it's annoying, it's a burden. I'm a burden.
This is all I know, and I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of trusting that things can be right, every time I did that, I ended up traumatized.
I know all I need to do to fix myself is just start being nicer to myself, more forgiving, more mindful.. but I can't, I'm too scared, I'm too weak... and I feel like a lost cause because of it, I feel like there's only one step to take to fixing my life, but I somehow cannot do it.
Suicide feels safer, more comforting, I've been suicidal since being 14 years old, it's all I know.. I'm 23 now, almost 24.. I'm unable to stop thinking about it as how my life will end, and if I let myself be happy, I will never kill myself, which makes me nervous.. what if it's too late anyway ? I didn't finish school or anything, I have no job, I'm disabled (autism)...
I feel like death is my only choice, really, and I have myself to blame more than my father who never loved me, though he probably made me this way.
That's how I feel.
I'm crying because I thought that I wish I had a group of people who deeply know me, all the ugly stuff about me, tell me they want me to stay in their life and that they like/love my company.
But, I already had a few people say it, it's just it wasn't a group, it was hyperspecific individuals. I have someone who's in love with me right now, they love me, even despite all of my ugly parts (like this exact suicidality).
But it just, it does nothing. I always find an excuse to kill myself, I think that these positive things must be temporary, from what I learned from people in my life: conversations and spending time with me is a chore, it's annoying, it's a burden. I'm a burden.
This is all I know, and I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of trusting that things can be right, every time I did that, I ended up traumatized.
I know all I need to do to fix myself is just start being nicer to myself, more forgiving, more mindful.. but I can't, I'm too scared, I'm too weak... and I feel like a lost cause because of it, I feel like there's only one step to take to fixing my life, but I somehow cannot do it.
Suicide feels safer, more comforting, I've been suicidal since being 14 years old, it's all I know.. I'm 23 now, almost 24.. I'm unable to stop thinking about it as how my life will end, and if I let myself be happy, I will never kill myself, which makes me nervous.. what if it's too late anyway ? I didn't finish school or anything, I have no job, I'm disabled (autism)...
I feel like death is my only choice, really, and I have myself to blame more than my father who never loved me, though he probably made me this way.
