I'm here to revisit my situation again, and closer to CTB each time I'm back

[StarFaded]

I last wrote here in Sept, nothing has changed.

My partner called me even more degrading and abusive things - a NEET being the kindest. He said it made him feel really good to say all these things even though they hurt me. There is no more love between us.

He's not wrong though, I'm utterly useless and a failure as a person. I'm just a ticking time bomb and a drain on society, waiting to die. I regret not ordering SN from IC when I had the chance. I was too cowardly. Now I'm desperate to leave but I have no safe/painless way to go.

I think I have to hang myself but I don't know how to do it properly. I don't even care about the mess of it afterwards. I might have to throw myself in front of a train to guarantee success. I do wonder if my consciousness will persist even after I leave. Will I become part of the stars or just simply, not exist?

Why am I still letting myself suffer and experiencing all this pain? I really don't understand the point of it all. I just want to expend the remaining of my energy to ensure success of my departure.

 

[wljourney]

Your partner is an abusive POS.
You know that right?

I'm sorry you feel this way and I won't talk you out of it. I'm sure you have considered leaving the abuse and starting fresh. But many of us simply don't have the energy left to even get out.

I hear you. I wasn't on SaSu for about a year. Now back with more determination and need to CTB than ever.

Wishing you well and that you find a way out. Out of the abusive relationship first. Then you can reassess the CTB option?

 

[StarFaded]

Your partner is an abusive POS.
You know that right?

I'm sorry you feel this way and I won't talk you out of it. I'm sure you have considered leaving the abuse and starting fresh. But many of us simply don't have the energy left to even get out.

I hear you. I wasn't on SaSu for about a year. Now back with more determination and need to CTB than ever.

Wishing you well and that you find a way out. Out of the abusive relationship first. Then you can reassess the CTB option?

He says I hurt him for being useless and not helping him out in the relationship. I'm slowly wasting away. I've never felt like my life has any hope or meaning that's why I don't have motivation to do anything - but my personal issues shouldn't be his to bear. I understand this. That's why I said he's not wrong in that sense.

And it's not like I didn't try... I tried very hard to change and better myself, only to keep failing over and over again.

The only way out of this for me is just to leave this world.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[wljourney]

He is a narcissist.

You are the victim here and he turns it around and makes himself the victim.

You don't have to better yourself. You are sick. His job is to support you and stop abusing you.