Venting i’m having conflicting thoughts on my abortion

[nihilisticmystics]

i've always wanted to be a mother, but i know that that could never happen and i would be dead anyways. when i found out i was pregnant, my reaction was fear, disgust, and sadness. i hated being pregnant and i hated the fact that i was pregnant. a week has gone by and my abortion pills just arrived but i have grown attached to my baby. i know that it is in both mine and my child's best interest if i aborted it, and i am definitely going to abort it, but i am so hesitant on it. my abortion pills arrived 2 days ago and i've been putting off actually starting the process of abortion because i don't want to officially not be pregnant anymore. even though i am only 5 weeks pregnant, i rub and touch my tummy and talk to it like how i saw my mom do when she was 8 months pregnant with my sister. my mom ended up passing away when my sister was only 4 and i was 8. i really wish she was here with me throughout this and i felt really connected to her when i talked to my baby the same way she talked to my sister, and probably me. i didn't expect to start getting attached to my baby and now that i am, it's really difficult to actually begin the process to get rid of it. but i will and i know i have to, i just don't think i'm ready and its weird because i was so eager to get my abortion pills to get rid of it. now i'm putting it off. weird change of events lol

to all mothers here, mothers who had their babies, mothers who lost their babies, mothers who had abortions whether they chose to or not, i feel for you all and i have a lot of respect for you. i feel like this is one of the most intimate things that females can connect over, and i never expected myself to be apart of this or experience this.

this will be the closest thing i will ever get to motherhood, to have something to take care of. i wish i was normal, happy, and stable enough to somehow keep it. but i know i can't and i know i will be dead soon, so there's no point anyways