I’m having a therapy session in 2 hours and I’m freaking outtttt

[dinosavr]

I actually posted about it before on recovery section (because I can't make up my fucking mind on what I want) - I decided to tell my therapist about my suicidal ideation.

Last week we were talking about how it's been in the past and we had to stop at the point where it all started for real. So today it's time for some real tea.
Given that I've decided to give life a chance before finally catching the bus by the end of the spring, if I want to see what therapy really has to offer, I have to tell her the truth.

But I'm so so soooo scared of her reaction. If she's "normal", how can I expect a good reaction to the words I'm planning to say??

Of course I'm not going to be 100% honest. I want to mention I've been doing research for methods but not mention SaSu specifically, there's no way.

Still don't know what to tell her when she'll ask me about my intentions. For now, I'm almost sure I will attempt suicide, but I am more than sure that I'm not going to do it in the next few days or even weeks.

Do you have any experience? Do they commit you to a psych ward when you say you will do it, but in the future? I mean, what could happen if I told her "hi, I'm going to attempt in June". I believe I should be safe for now, right?

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I actually posted about it before on recovery section (because I can't make up my fucking mind on what I want) - I decided to tell my therapist about my suicidal ideation.

Last week we were talking about how it's been in the past and we had to stop at the point where it all started for real. So today it's time for some real tea.
Given that I've decided to give life a chance before finally catching the bus by the end of the spring, if I want to see what therapy really has to offer, I have to tell her the truth.

But I'm so so soooo scared of her reaction. If she's "normal", how can I expect a good reaction to the words I'm planning to say??

Of course I'm not going to be 100% honest. I want to mention I've been doing research for methods but not mention SaSu specifically, there's no way.

Still don't know what to tell her when she'll ask me about my intentions. For now, I'm almost sure I will attempt suicide, but I am more than sure that I'm not going to do it in the next few days or even weeks.

Do you have any experience? Do they commit you to a psych ward when you say you will do it, but in the future? I mean, what could happen if I told her "hi, I'm going to attempt in June". I believe I should be safe for now, right?

I told my therapist I have SN in my wardrobe and I'm ready to use it when I feel the time is right. I wasn't sectioned or anything. He just accepted it.

 

[lachrymost]

You're taking a big risk there. There is *supposed* to be an immediate threat, from what I've heard, so theoretically you can say you'll kill yourself on your birthday thirty years from now and be fine, but there's no telling with mandated reporters. Specifying June is a particularly bad idea. That's soon. They could even wait until June and snitch then.

Personally, when I've told a therapist about my suicidality, it was after explaining my trauma from psychiatry, so at least she had the opportunity to consider how particularly harmful forced commitment would be for me. I also told her about my trauma from therapists who have involved the police before (actually, a therapist convinced my mother to call the cops on my ex for being a sexual predator—even though I was an adult in a consensual relationship. Long story). She was actually moved by this, and she didn't usually make a point of sympathizing with me. She asked how I thought I was going to feel that week after sharing that, and I said, "That depends on whether the cops are there when I get back." We laughed together over that, and there were no cops, even though she was an awful, cruel therapist who I was only seeing for a chance in Hell at MAiD. That chance is basically gone.

I understand why you feel you need to tell them. Even I am itching to complain to someone again and make my despair their problem for an hour. Make them look it in the eye. Anyway, if you're going to tell them, only say that it's ideation. Don't say you have a plan. Say you're wary because you know that, legally, the therapist has the power to call the cops on you and then the doctors at the psych ward are in control, even if what you say isn't actually grounds for doing so. Remind them that suicidal ideation is not a legitimate reason to call the cops. Say you want to discuss suicide intellectually and remind them that it has been a controversial topic in philosophy for thousands of years. Make them feel that if they were going to commit you, they would have the mentality of a book burner, but worse, because you're a person. You could even say that you wish you could kill yourself, but it's too hard, so you'll *never* be able to. This is the one I go with, and in my case it's actually true.

 

[mortuarymary]

I usually do but once I'm in there I'm ok.

 

[Redleaf1992]

How did it go?

 

[dinosavr]

How did it go?

Thank you for asking!
It went really well I think. It felt good to talk about it to someone else than me or people on sasu who don't know me at all and don't really care.
She made me feel like my thoughts are valid and even though I could still see she didn't get me, I knew she wanted to.
What's the most important is that she believed me that all my thoughts were honest and that I really promised myself that I wouldn't do anything to myself as long as I'm in therapy, so she didn't even mention hospital.
She's either a really good therapist who knows what to expect, or she doesn't really care if I'm dead or alive lol Anyway it was completely fine and I love knowing that I don't have to worry about anything while I talk about it because she won't judge me.

Edit: These are my honest thoughts after the session and I know it will change. I'll think about how nobody understands me and reconsider if all this therapy shit is worth going through. But umm let's stick to what's good as long as it still feels good.

I still want to die so fucking much and I wasn't hiding that from her. I wonder if there's anything she can do about it lol

 

[Redleaf1992]

Thank you for asking!
It went really well I think. It felt good to talk about it to someone else than me or people on sasu who don't know me at all and don't really care.
She made me feel like my thoughts are valid and even though I could still see she didn't get me, I knew she wanted to.
What's the most important is that she believed me that all my thoughts were honest and that I really promised myself that I wouldn't do anything to myself as long as I'm in therapy, so she didn't even mention hospital.
She's either a really good therapist who knows what to expect, or she doesn't really care if I'm dead or alive lol Anyway it was completely fine and I love knowing that I don't have to worry about anything while I talk about it because she won't judge me.

Edit: These are my honest thoughts after the session and I know it will change. I'll think about how nobody understands me and reconsider if all this therapy shit is worth going through. But umm let's stick to what's good as long as it still feels good.

I still want to die so fucking much and I wasn't hiding that from her. I wonder if there's anything she can do about it lol

I'm glad it went well!

I was in a similar position recently where I just told a therapist (mostly) everything.
I keep everything bundled up so it was good to unload on someone.

As long as you don't cross that 'immediate danger' line I don't think there's anything they can do, or even want to do as therapy is the better help.

For that reason I just haven't told mine that I have been planning CTB in case I want to go ahead and it all seems fine.

I hope your therapist turns out to be a good one!

 

[Linda]

Put yourself in her position. One of my nephews is a psychiatrist, and he expained to me the difficult situation you can put a psychiatrist in by saying that you are suicidal. If she doesn't take drastic action, by having you thrown into a psych ward, and you ctb in the near future, she could get sued by your relatives. So what is she supposed to do? Basically, the more she supports you, the more she is putting her career and her money at risk. It shouldn't be like that, but it is. I think the way I would do this, if I were in your situation, would be to say something like: I'm not suicidal, but I can see that the situation I am in is pushing me in that direction, and unless we can get it fixed I can imagine it leading to suicide eventually. If she is smart, she will understand what you really mean, but you will have given her some cover against any possible legal action.

 

[dinosavr]

Put yourself in her position. One of my nephews is a psychiatrist, and he expained to me the difficult situation you can put a psychiatrist in by saying that you are suicidal. If she doesn't take drastic action, by having you thrown into a psych ward, and you ctb in the near future, she could get sued by your relatives. So what is she supposed to do? Basically, the more she supports you, the more she is putting her career and her money at risk. It shouldn't be like that, but it is. I think the way I would do this, if I were in your situation, would be to say something like: I'm not suicidal, but I can see that the situation I am in is pushing me in that direction, and unless we can get it fixed I can imagine it leading to suicide eventually. If she is smart, she will understand what you really mean, but you will have given her some cover against any possible legal action.

I see your point but honestly, I don't want to agree. They choose their profession on their own, right? And they know it's a part of it.
There's no reason to guilt trip anyone. Yeah, it might be stressful for them but for god's sakes I'm literally in risk of death here! And I am just a tiny lost human being who is trying to get through it somehow.
It doesn't feel good to be a difficult patient, true, I hate it, but the truth is I shouldn't care. At the end of the day it's their job. AND I will make sure to make it clear in my suicide note that they helped me a lot, they did their best and that I really appreciate their job. I know they care for real and I won't let them get in trouble for my fucked up mind.

 

[exiled]

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about this! You did what was right for you and I'm incredibly proud of you for that. I've got a therapist I tell my suicidal thoughts too as well, and he's never sent the white coats after me.