Venting I'm having a really bad time (messy breakdown vent)

[ArchmagePrincess]

I feel like I'm at some kind of breaking point emotionally. I am so paranoid of simple interactions I have with others at this point I haven't felt safe in a long time. My roommate said that they were too busy to clean the bathroom and that they wanted me to do it because it was getting bad, but I cleaned it the other day and it looked okay to me afterward, maybe it just wasn't good enough? I don't know if I'm just not meeting their standards and this is their way of telling me to fix something I'm not really seeing? I haven't hung out with them in a while maybe they're really mad at me for not talking to them as much and having a weird sleep schedule. I'm just so worried they're being too shy and polite and concerned for my mental health to say what they're actually thinking about me, and that they're just bottling up lots of rage and hate towards me like so many have before.

I haven't hated my body in years but now I can't stomach to look at myself in the mirror just like when I was a teenager. I stopped eating for 2 days because I felt so fat and ugly. I did an interview for a job recently and I'll probably start that soon, but the only thing on my mind is how I'm going to use that money to CTB. I'm scared to even go upstairs now because I'm worried my friend's parents are bottling up anger towards me too and they'll eventually explode with rage.

I'm often punching myself in frustration and I've even started trolling league of legends games like I did as a kid as some sort of sick nostalgia for an old addiction. I don't how to even feel about any of this I'm just so stressed and scared. I just want to CTB before I end up homeless I'm so scared of that. I don't even know what to believe anymore, I've had people tell me I'm manipulative and just using them, am I even a good person? Am I just an abuser that needs to stop existing? I just feel so disgusting, hated, like I'm an annoyance or a burden to others.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I feel like I'm at some kind of breaking point emotionally. I am so paranoid of simple interactions I have with others at this point I haven't felt safe in a long time. My roommate said that they were too busy to clean the bathroom and that they wanted me to do it because it was getting bad, but I cleaned it the other day and it looked okay to me afterward, maybe it just wasn't good enough? I don't know if I'm just not meeting their standards and this is their way of telling me to fix something I'm not really seeing? I haven't hung out with them in a while maybe they're really mad at me for not talking to them as much and having a weird sleep schedule. I'm just so worried they're being too shy and polite and concerned for my mental health to say what they're actually thinking about me, and that they're just bottling up lots of rage and hate towards me like so many have before.

I haven't hated my body in years but now I can't stomach to look at myself in the mirror just like when I was a teenager. I stopped eating for 2 days because I felt so fat and ugly. I did an interview for a job recently and I'll probably start that soon, but the only thing on my mind is how I'm going to use that money to CTB. I'm scared to even go upstairs now because I'm worried my friend's parents are bottling up anger towards me too and they'll eventually explode with rage.

I'm often punching myself in frustration and I've even started trolling league of legends games like I did as a kid as some sort of sick nostalgia for an old addiction. I don't how to even feel about any of this I'm just so stressed and scared. I just want to CTB before I end up homeless I'm so scared of that. I don't even know what to believe anymore, I've had people tell me I'm manipulative and just using them, am I even a good person? Am I just an abuser that needs to stop existing? I just feel so disgusting, hated, like I'm an annoyance or a burden to others.

You are not the problem: Other people are the problem because they are stupid and selfish.
You cannot trust anyone, no matter who they are.
If you start the new job, would it pay enough to move out and rent somewhere else ?
Or do you just want to ctb in the near future ?
Whatever you decide, I hope you can find a way out of this toxic situation .

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

You are not the problem: Other people are the problem because they are stupid and selfish.
You cannot trust anyone, no matter who they are.
If you start the new job, would it pay enough to move out and rent somewhere else ?
Or do you just want to ctb in the near future ?
Whatever you decide, I hope you can find a way out of this toxic situation .

The new job doesn't pay nearly enough to live on my own, unfortunately. Even if it did I don't know if I could hold the job without getting fired cause of my panic attacks. Looking into disability but it's still a long time away before I could secure it. If I had a more stable financial situation I would probably reconsider CTBing but as things are now I'm just done. I don't want to continue this path of poverty and fear anymore.

Thanks for your kind words.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I know it's easier said than done and I don't know anything about your personal situation but I would say you think too much about what others are thinking. That can really be harmful. I'm sorry that life is so cruel and brought you into such an awful situation. I'm really sorry I can't do more but sending a *virtual Hug* :-) I hope you can find a way that is comfortable for you now.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

I know it's easier said than done and I don't know anything about your personal situation but I would say you think too much about what others are thinking. That can really be harmful. I'm sorry that life is so cruel and brought you into such an awful situation. I'm really sorry I can't do more but sending a *virtual Hug* :-) I hope you can find a way that is comfortable for you now.

Yeah, I definitely do. A lifetime of trauma where surviving meant being able to predict and manage the emotions of whoever was in charge kinda did that to me. It's possible these current people being upset with me or not is totally irrelevant but I end up overthinking it anyways out of habit and fear. Wish I could stop, but thanks for the hug.

 

[Uhm]

I know it's easier said than done and I don't know anything about your personal situation but I would say you think too much about what others are thinking. That can really be harmful. I'm sorry that life is so cruel and brought you into such an awful situation. I'm really sorry I can't do more but sending a *virtual Hug* :-) I hope you can find a way that is comfortable for you now.

I agree with this as we tend to overthink things as other people say but ill try and speak from my experience as I do not know how difficult the situation is for Princess (sorry If you don't like me abbreviating your name, i apologize) as we cannot grasp the problem from an online post.

When I'm told I'm overthinking things, I try to look at everything in a very simplistic manner so as not to clutter myself with unnecessary thoughts, but almost always, when I do that, something goes wrong. I get yelled at, thus making me start overthinking things again, but now with the fact that I have practically assured myself, the person who is mad at me sometimes even hates me, another example is when I get out of work, I go on my computer I go on Discord. I see my friends on VC I, for some dumb reason, want them to notice me and send me an invite. They don't because they expect me to join. Instead, what my brain does is that I convince myself they hate me and would rather be on VC without me when even I know that is not the case. Most of these, at the end of the day, I get reassured that everything is fine, then I'm calm for the day to repeat everything the next day. I end up in this endless cycle of anxiety and depression.

From what I can get from Princess is that their situation is honestly times worse. What I get is you live with your roommate and their parents. This situation is horrible as you are alone until you talk to them, but you can't speak to them until you think it's the right moment. The right moment will never come as you constantly think they hate you even if you talk to them one-on-one, it will be fruitless as you will go back to thinking they hate you as soon as you go back to your room because you have convinced yourself that they hate you and the way you are.

The only thing I can say to try and help is to brute force your feeling and try to talk to them. They probably don't hate you, and they like you, but they don't get close because they think they are bothering you and want you to be comfortable in what they want to be your home your friend probably didn't mean anything by telling you to clean the bathroom as he said he was going to be busy he probably didn't notice that it was already cleaned.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It honestly sucks to see people going through things like this. I hope everything gets better.