I'm Having A Go

[tiger b]

Hi all,

I hope a new year finds you well, wherever and whatever you are!

For what it's worth, I'm having a proper go this year, actually committing to 100% trying to recover. If I can't I can't, there's always 2025 to CTB (and I can accept that now thanks to this place), but you know I don't think I'm out of options or energy just yet and I'm not feeling as defeated as I was for most of last year. It won't be easy by any means, for health and financial reasons mainly, but some people have come through harder circumstances. I think I still owe it to myself and those who really are limited in choice and feelings even more than I.

Being on SaSu has actually helped me a lot. Its made me look at many things from different perspectives, sometimes very nihilistic ones (which I respect) but I think I needed to go through that. Some of the goodbye threads really saddened me, but I respect their choices and I'm definitely pro-choice above all else - that is definitely for sure.

I think I'll come away from the Suicide Discussion section for now. I'd feel hypocritical posting there, and I'm sure some won't miss my rather tedious debating skills.

So yeah - gimme a little shout out, think of me for a nanosecond, whatever - all good fuel for the 366 days ahead.

Sláinte

 

[Redacted24]

Sending you lots of support and strength! There will be times - we all get them - but power through with shoulders back because you are strong and capable and can master your life's challenges.
Cheers,

 

[the old man]

Being on SaSu has actually helped me a lot. Its made me look at many things from different perspectives, sometimes very nihilistic ones (which I respect) but I think I needed to go through that. Some of the goodbye threads really saddened me, but I respect their choices and I'm definitely pro-choice above all else - that is definitely for sure.

Just replied to another post before I read this, you put in such a better way than I did, I'm happy that you found the help you needed here. I wish you good luck for the future in whatever direction it take you.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Hi all,

I hope a new year finds you well, wherever and whatever you are!

For what it's worth, I'm having a proper go this year, actually committing to 100% trying to recover. If I can't I can't, there's always 2025 to CTB (and I can accept that now thanks to this place), but you know I don't think I'm out of options or energy just yet and I'm not feeling as defeated as I was for most of last year. It won't be easy by any means, for health and financial reasons mainly, but some people have come through harder circumstances. I think I still owe it to myself and those who really are limited in choice and feelings even more than I.

Being on SaSu has actually helped me a lot. Its made me look at many things from different perspectives, sometimes very nihilistic ones (which I respect) but I think I needed to go through that. Some of the goodbye threads really saddened me, but I respect their choices and I'm definitely pro-choice above all else - that is definitely for sure.

I think I'll come away from the Suicide Discussion section for now. I'd feel hypocritical posting there, and I'm sure some won't miss my rather tedious debating skills.

So yeah - gimme a little shout out, think of me for a nanosecond, whatever - all good fuel for the 366 days ahead.

Sláinte

It's good to see you on this section of the forum tiger b! I've really enjoyed seeing you around.

I'm also taking a crack at recovery. I'm not sure it will be feasible or not but I'd like to ordain as a Buddhist monk. I'm a fairly secular person (fundamentally rejecting any Abrahamic or theistic religions), but living a hyper-simplified life free of worries seems very appealing to me.

I'm curious what steps you will be taking to improve your situation?

 

[tiger b]

Oh I'm pleased to hear that, good on you!

A simple life definitely is the end goal for me too...there's not many things I want to do ultimately, and that's ok. I just got to clean up MY mess before I get to that point.

Steps - activity. Lots of activity. No inertia, ticking off 'To Do' lists - but not thinking so much. The thinking can come later when I'm programmed into activity. Looking for more consistent work with more determination and creating a much better attitude towards it - the debt then can be dealt with. Having a very simple diet that I know I can fully hold to now. Using decent coping mechanisms like meditation, distraction for pain, exercise and just finding strength again.

In other words, just focusing on the simple things I can control and blinkering everything else out (which I've been awful at). 366 days to be won, first step taken so let's see what can be done, a tiny snowball is rolling.

 

[Kit1]

I am so happy for you and wishing you all the best for 2024 tobe the uear that you find true happiness, good health, peace of mind and contentment. Hope you find a job that you like and the debt goes down pretty quickly. Good Luck and best wishes. Take care.

 

[Celerity]

Well, I like you and happen to think you make pretty good points most of the time. What passes for debate here leaves a lot be desired anyway, LOL. I am glad you are feeling well enough that you have hope. Hang out in Off-topic and Recovery with the cool kids.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

Im rootin' for you good sir (or ma'am) its always nice too see people have a go at proper living. i live for that kinda shit :)

 

[tiger b]

Just reading this again for a bit of a boost. It's going ok, my dieting has hit another level and my creativity is coming back. I don't think I've signed in for ages. Thanks everyone, and best wishes.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Just reading this again for a bit of a boost. It's going ok, my dieting has hit another level and my creativity is coming back. I don't think I've signed in for ages. Thanks everyone, and best wishes.

Nice to hear. My goal is to plan a diet that would increase energy and well-being. So far, in addition to just quitting smoking, I've switched coffee to black tea after reading articles about its properties and benefits. For example, l-theanine creates alpha waves in the brain, which induce feelings of calm, increase creativity, and enhances ability to absorb new information.

 

[tiger b]

I'm jealous of the black tea - I have never been able to deal with caffeine. Music remains my drug of choice, and also I've got a relax app I've had for years that is my safety net.

 

[Redacted24]

This is probably my favorite thread in this site. You're amazing! Thank you and please, let us know how it's going.
Maybe we should start an @tiger b fan channel? You'd have so many viewers... but remember it was my idea so I get the marketing revenue, movie rights and stuff like that, just sayin'

 

[tiger b]

That was so funny and if that occured in some parallel universe I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing, as an introvert...so does that mean you'd get the debt too when that idea fell flat on its rump?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Good luck on your recovery, wishing you well

 

[Redacted24]

If the idea doesn't work out, sure I suppose I could take on the debt too.
We could all console ourselves in poverty by riding the rides at the @tiger b theme park (calling dibs on that too) with our friends.

 

[tiger b]

Better: we could call it the Redacted24 theme park and it would work better, with it being a winning collaboration between the CIA and Kieffer Sutherland.

Plus, tigers don't like direct attention and it made this one quite nervous because he still believes he isn't worth any help at all so even posting this thread and actually even asking to matter to people I didn't know took actually quite a lot. Fuck a theme park, I'll settle for a hello.

I think a recovery needs filters and blinkers and sometimes you hear something in the wrong place at the wrong time from the wrong person, regardless of intention, so they sadly need to be used. Thanks for teaching me that.

 

[Redacted24]

I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I was silly. I'll be more careful. Please accept my apology.

 

[tiger b]

It's ok and it's all right now. What you said helped - amongst other things. I was wrong - your timing was perfect.

.......

Umm...the penny has finally dropped with me. I understand - and finally I accept. Everything. I surrender to how it is, not how I insist it 'should' be.

It's really hard to put into words, so here goes. Basically, lies/distortions I told myself about certain things since childhood have unraveled very very quickly...amazingly quickly...they were keeping me trapped emotionally (NO SURRENDER hahaha), and I can finally start dumping all this anger I have carried around for protection. And boy, such anger! So much anger - it must have been making me sick on some level. It's only the tip of the fireberg, and it burns so intensely. I'm not quite ready to forgive the abuse yet that I was utterly bewildered by...but I think I will be able to one day. I've never thought that was even a remote possibility.

The tiny bit of counselling I attempted never helped me that much because I never trusted anyone enough to let them in. People would see what was inside and that would never do, I was already too ashamed and scared. Stiff upper lip and all that. I did get a few nuggets that were useful, but...the anger came and I just didn't want to let it out. I felt I could hurt someone. I didn't want to be vulnerable. So, I learned hypnosis to a high level and researched all kinds of odd things to help. It did - but it just helped ease the pain and actually was a diversion. I didn't really want to face my lies to allow myself to heal. Talk about going the long way round.

I am sick of the argumentative shitty die-on-every-hill side of me, and that's not my true nature. It's a defense mechanism that I don't need. I take it too far, and what am I trying to prove? That I'm the biggest dickhead? Yeah, well I got the trophy so I'm retiring it for someone else to have it, if they want. There's been so many good people IRL I've tried to push away with that silly game. It almost worked. I've no idea why some still bothered with me. But it's all ok. I've been loved and still am.

I couldn't be at this point so rapidly - maybe ever - without this forum. I didn't think I was coming here for that reason, I came for probably CTB. Maybe I would have got to this point (and inevitable further recovery, for it is inevitable now) one day...but THIS QUICK? It's nuts. I feel very lucky and blessed. I came vaguely pro-choice and I leave very firmly pro-choice. I haven't seen the light - I've just accepted that you cannot hide from the darkness. I accept the darkness and the light for what they are now - misperceptions. I speak for me alone on this and am not saying x person should do y. Ever. I've just been presented with a solution to my 'problem' and I'm going to cling to it like a tardigrade to a rocket taking off!

I think back to a few goodbye threads of people who I chatted to...it's still sad to think of them as gone, but the comfort is them doing what they chose to do. I just wish it hadn't have to have come to that. One particularly affected me and I'm sad we never had the chance to have that meeting before you went. But you really had just disconnected by then so perhaps it was for the best that nothing potentially impeded your path. If you somehow didn't CTB and are reading this now I'll say - hi, it's your round hahaha - but I honestly don't think that's the case now. You're with the cats, friend, like so many others.

I have everything I need and if I don't...I accept that. I will heal as well as I can, I won't set limits on myself. I have challenges but I'll just do the best I can. It doesn't matter that much anyway, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It's ok! I am crying because I am happy. I'm going to be ok, no matter what, and I never thought that would happen. The method I die by and how long it takes is irrelevant. CTB is irrelevant. I'll just see how it plays out, just for the hell of it. Just to see. It's always really been just to see, hasn't it. I've got that novel to do, this one actually will be good and maybe you'll read it one day. Maybe you'll suspect who wrote it. Not that important eh! And I've three job interviews next week. I'm glad there's none today or I think they'd have me sectioned hahaha.

Whatever you think of this message is valid and right! Hey, you! Yes, you, I'm looking right at you! Don't worry, you can fix up the fourth wall after I leave. You are just as valid and important as me - if not more so - and I love you. Whatever you choose, even if it's not to choose. Brevity is the soul of wit. I am a half-wit. Excuse the splurge...

Time to surrender. It's all about the cats.

Best wishes all, goodbye

 

[bloodystarzklt]

good luck, sending you lots of love<3