Venting I’m happy but then why do I still wanna kms?

[livelaughlove]

The past few years have been terrible especially last year when I almost killed myself. I would say I was at the lowest point in my life. But now I've been a lot better but why do I still want to die?

I don't think I'm depressed because I know what it's like from last year and I'm definitely not like that now. I'm happy? And I only ever feel truly down quite rarely. But then why do I still have plans to eventually ctb? I was literally writing my goodbye letters this past week. But I'm not even sad about it or anything? In a way, I feel at peace/content with my inevitable suicide.

but you know what, idek what emotions are anymore. In the beginning when I was "getting better", I was just faking it so people would leave me alone. Fake it til you make it I said but like lowkey it kinda worked. But am I still faking it? Or am I genuinely happy? But then why do I want to still ctb?

I'm so confused. I want to die eventually but why? Maybe I just miss the empathy I got when I was depressed? Because I'm lowkey an attention-whore. So yea. Lol what is happening

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that once someone has considered suicide it will always be there as an option for them and it's impossible to let go of the idea of suicide. But anyway feeling suicidal doesn't always need a reason or explanation behind it, it can just be the natural response to existing in this world. I guess that after all, only you know if you are certain about your decision to die, and it isn't like suicide needs a reason anyway if that is what one wishes for. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Someone123]

I'm so confused. I want to die eventually but why? Maybe I just miss the empathy I got when I was depressed? Because I'm lowkey an attention-whore. So yea. Lol what is happening

I'm not sure attnetion whore is the right term- you need a certain level of caring from other people to be happy and if yuo don't get this you're not- it's basically loneliness, which is the number one cause of depression/ctb. If you coul find more ways to connect with others and get caring when not depressed it could help, though this is always a challenge.

 

[livelaughlove]

I'm not sure attnetion whore is the right term- you need a certain level of caring from other people to be happy and if yuo don't get this you're not- it's basically loneliness, which is the number one cause of depression/ctb. If you coul find more ways to connect with others and get caring when not depressed it could help, though this is always a challenge.

Totally, but thats the deeper issue though. The only care I want is from certain people who are like maternal figures to me (my teachers). I honestly think that if they were my parents, I wouldn't want to ctb. But that connection would never happen. They'll be there temporarily, but I wish there was someone like maternal figure that was permanent.

 

[Someone123]

Totally, but thats the deeper issue though. The only care I want is from certain people who are like maternal figures to me (my teachers). I honestly think that if they were my parents, I wouldn't want to ctb. But that connection would never happen. They'll be there temporarily, but I wish there was someone like maternal figure that was permanent.

In my opinion you improve your chances of not falling falling into depression if you are happy to accept caring from any person who is genuinely caring towards you- I do think if you say you only want caring from this small percentage of people that it sets you up to fall back into depression again.

 

[Pointlesslife]

I have conflicting feelings like this as well. I feel happy, but also sad. Like I have everything going for me but also nothing going for me. Like I wanna live life, but I also want to die. I can relate to this.

 

[livelaughlove]

In my opinion you improve your chances of not falling falling into depression if you are happy to accept caring from any person who is genuinely caring towards you- I do think if you say you only want caring from this small percentage of people that it sets you up to fall back into depression again.

It's not like that I don't accept care from people. I know lots of people care about me. But I need the love a mom could give me. But I know I can't get that or a very small chance I could. So even when I accept everyone's love, I'll always be searching for that one person.

 

[Someone123]

It's not like that I don't accept care from people. I know lots of people care about me. But I need the love a mom could give me. But I know I can't get that or a very small chance I could. So even when I accept everyone's love, I'll always be searching for that one person.

I never had love from my parents at all, just some things for show, like the holidays. This really can't be replaced, but a support network of friends and at some type a partner is feasible. If you're searching for one person to be close to searching for a partner/girlfriend is likely what you need, someone you are really compatibale with. If you want a platinic relationship I knew a happy couple like this, it can be done, but usually people are happier with a whole relationship.

 

[bpdblackout]

It's not like that I don't accept care from people. I know lots of people care about me. But I need the love a mom could give me. But I know I can't get that or a very small chance I could. So even when I accept everyone's love, I'll always be searching for that one person.

That small chance is bigger than you think.

I am all for a persons right to CTB, however there is something you are overlooking.

The only person I know IRL that keeps me semi grounded is a little old lady in my apartment building.

I met her after asking her for a lighter outside when I was smoking a cigarette outside my building.

That one coincidental afternoon turned into regular conversation and the occasional dinner/ leftovers swap. That tiny bit of maternal care has been enough to keep me semi grounded so far.

opportunities for connection are sometimes closer than they appear.

Some will say why bother trying to find a connection?

I say why not? If you're gonna CTB anyway, nothing worldly matters after you stop breathing.

Small talk the cashier. Shoot the shit with the guy in the elevator. Share a moment with a stranger. Why not?