I'm grateful for this place, but sometimes being here is soul-crushing

[Rounded Agony]

I just am at the tail end of a rabbit hole of looking into things like methods, failed attempt stories, goodbye threads, stickies, and so on. I hit that flow state where you kind of forget yourself and become one with your activity, and a couple of times it broke and I just shed tears realizing what I'm doing. I never thought I would be here. I remember a life when challenges were things to be met and overcome, not completely crushed under. I just feel like the last few months have been very indicative that without the intervention of some fairy-godmother, I am fairly confident I will die by my own hand, or at least try to.

I guess this is part of the process. Most people who ctb non-impulsively take their time between actually doing it and the first thought. What a long, lonely, painful road it's turning out to be. Sorry this post is kind of meaningless, I just had to write something about this feeling...

 

[makethepainstop]

This place is the only place,are truly able to discuss our unspeakable thoughts. Yet many feel comfort, just for having been heard.

 

[hopelessdreams]

I fully relate to you. I go through periods where I try to take on life and don't visit ss for a few weeks. But then a feeling of dread and disappointment hits me, and this is the only place I find likeminded people. Sometimes I stop in my own tracks and realize what im doing just like you. "How did I et here? How did life fuck me up so hard I don't want to be here anymore?" "Was this my fate all along?"

 

[CTB Dream]

See people suffer sad many no able ctb suffer other ctb leave feel sad , reallh hard think situation sad all

 

[Hope:-)]

I feel like that , like 'how did I get here??' However, I'm just trying to be grateful for the life I had whilst I was here, imperfect though it may have been. To think I used to smile and laugh and those things were so many years ago now. I hope you find the way forward that's best for you, xx

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never actually seen death as being sad personally. After all, it's nothing particularly special. We will all die no matter what and be forgotten about and to die emphasises how insignificant we really are as humans. I have no negative emotions associated with the thought of being dead as I see it as being freedom from all suffering and it solves everything. To me there couldn't be anything negative to associate with death as we simply cease to exist, there is nothing after this.

But thank you for sharing your thoughts. Living can certainly be very painful and depressing.

 

[Lost Magic]

I am bittersweet about this forum. I am pleased that I can talk to like-minded people, however, it is still very sad to have to be here in the first place. I wish we all had better, more fulfilling lives. It just sucks to be unwell or not enjoy life.

 

[Un-]

I've been here every single day since I've joined. I've also looked at a lot of old threads, and, if anything, this forum only gets more and more depressing as time goes along.

But it's a reminder that this is life. You have, or have had people here that are as young as 17, to people in their 60s. It's a reminder that as good as your life was, and as good as it would probably be, you'll eventually find yourself in a dark place that you cannot escape at all. Be it your retirement home, a horrific death, trauma, etcetera.

That's what ruminates in my head, at least. Life is a net negative for a lot of people. Planet earth is not a nice place to live in. After a while, you get used to this..

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

I am bittersweet about this forum. I am pleased that I can talk to like-minded people, however, it is still very sad to have to be here in the first place. I wish we all had better, more fulfilling lives. It just sucks to be unwell or not enjoy life.

I agree with this entirely, and to build off of it more, it gets exhausting not being able to fully express how you're feeling (for me at least). Constantly having to put up a façade that everything is ok all while being exposed to everybody else's façade or maybe just their actual happy life -- it's just gets to be too much on top of everything else.

 

[MakeUpAName4Me]

I wish I could give everyone here a hug

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It can be hard when you interact with so many others who are at, or near, the same place in life you are in regards to wanting to end it all. It's freaking hard hearing the stories of so many miserable people experiencing all kinds of pain, physical, emotional, mental, or all of them. It's hard realizing there are so many people that life has brought to this point. It intensifies the feelings of despair one already feels. It's hard and sobering to know this much misery goes on on this world and then realizing that what we see here is only the very tip of a gigantic iceberg.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Wow, didn't expect such a response to this. Funny, maybe it's just the threads I read or the way I read them, but I just imagine people here are (like myself at times) just looking to connect with others, be informed, or are scrolling dead-eyed through the vastness of this place. Not heartbroken about their own and the cruel greater situations. What @Hope:-) @Lost Magic and @locked*n*loaded say rings especially true, especially the latter; while I find it can be draining or annoying to be in the company of cheerful people, I also have found if they are those you care about, who somewhat know and understand what you're dealing with, and you're making merriment together, it can alleviate this crushing burden a little, and moreso the more regular the exposure to it.

Of course when you're disconnected and isolated as balls this isn't really a thing, and you just see happy people out in the world or depicted in media or whatever. That's the kind that makes my skin crawl and want to blow my fucking brains out. I can't answer the hypothetical of which is worse: knowing you certainly don't want to live no matter what happened, or knowing there is a way of living that's practically implementable which would make you want to live, but you just can't attain it because of whatever barrier(s). Both are awful and existence blows.

@MakeUpAName4Me I would love to accept and reciprocate your offer

 

[whatevs]

I just avoid the more grim threads and discussions and try to use to vent it and connect or interact with people that have been through similar ordeals to me or that 'vibe' with me.

As crazy as it is a suicide forum is the best place I found online to socialize, this shows how bad it's gotten for me lol

When you're miserable there's something very comforting about talking about suicide candidly, and you can do that here. Even if it's just vague thoughts without realistic plans.

I met an old user of the forum in real life and we immediately clicked. There's a guaranteed understanding between two persons that have been wrecked by life and that have stared into the abyss.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

As crazy as it is a suicide forum is the best place I found online to socialize, this shows how bad it's gotten for me lol

I would say that's not related at all to how bad things are your you / us. Unless there is something in your personal life ofc.

IMO, People here are typically far more genuine than you'll find anywhere else online. We're not posting fake stories of our lives or emotions on social media for clout or to see a like counter go up.

Despite us all being here because we're suffering in some way, its incredible to see how we react to each other to provide help too. Whether that's sharing method advice so a stranger we don't know doesn't suffer, helping with recovery based stuff, it's interesting to see how we react to each other while being up shit's creek without a paddle and should be in self prioritisation and self defence mode.

Then there's the fact that we can just be open without judgement here. There's not going to be some dumb fuck who's trying to force their "Omg please don't do it" act to us just so they can feel a little bit better when they go to sleep at night. There's none of this political bullshit here thah permeates every part of online discussions too, where if you don't fit in one ideologies camp, you're the scum of the earth or do not deserve a voice.

Maybe I haven't been around here long enough and its a bit rich of me to say after being here for 2 and a half weeks, but minus the odd whining incel or person who's sadly a bit too far gone in terms of their mental health, fuck it. I'd say this is one of the last bastions of sane discussion on the entire net, despite us all being a bunch of depressed fuckers wanting to die.

 

[whatevs]

I would say that's not related at all to how bad things are your you / us. Unless there is something in your personal life ofc.

IMO, People here are typically far more genuine than you'll find anywhere else online. We're not posting fake stories of our lives or emotions on social media for clout or to see a like counter go up.

Despite us all being here because we're suffering in some way, its incredible to see how we react to each other to provide help too. Whether that's sharing method advice so a stranger we don't know doesn't suffer, helping with recovery based stuff, it's interesting to see how we react to each other while being up shit's creek without a paddle and should be in self prioritisation and self defence mode.

Then there's the fact that we can just be open without judgement here. There's not going to be some dumb fuck who's trying to force their "Omg please don't do it" act to us just so they can feel a little bit better when they go to sleep at night. There's none of this political bullshit here thah permeates every part of online discussions too, where if you don't fit in one ideologies camp, you're the scum of the earth or do not deserve a voice.

Maybe I haven't been around here long enough and its a bit rich of me to say after being here for 2 and a half weeks, but minus the odd whining incel or person who's sadly a bit too far gone in terms of their mental health, fuck it. I'd say this is one of the last bastions of sane discussion on the entire net, despite us all being a bunch of depressed fuckers wanting to die.

Honeymoon phase. Once you've seen some of the people you had an affinity with die, it's different. It's exactly like seeing a version of yourself go, a stark reminder of where you are, digitally and more importantly mentally.

Overall I agree with your points, however. It's just that SaSu has its nuances and overall you shouldn't need to be in here.

There's definitely some political tension in the form of feminism vc inceldom going on here.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Honeymoon phase. Once you've seen some of the people you had an affinity with die, it's different. It's exactly like seeing a version of yourself go, a stark reminder of where you are, digitally and more importantly mentally.

Overall I agree with your points, however. It's just that SaSu has its nuances and overall you shouldn't need to be in here.

There's definitely some political tension in the form of feminism vc inceldom going on here.

Probably helps for me that I'm only sticking around here for a few weeks too. I'd feel pretty fucked up if i was keeping going, coming back, going, over many months or years. Gotta be hard for those folks. I'm fortunate that this is effectively a quick final destination holiday for me almost.

 

[freedompass]

I would say that's not related at all to how bad things are your you / us. Unless there is something in your personal life ofc.

IMO, People here are typically far more genuine than you'll find anywhere else online. We're not posting fake stories of our lives or emotions on social media for clout or to see a like counter go up.

Despite us all being here because we're suffering in some way, its incredible to see how we react to each other to provide help too. Whether that's sharing method advice so a stranger we don't know doesn't suffer, helping with recovery based stuff, it's interesting to see how we react to each other while being up shit's creek without a paddle and should be in self prioritisation and self defence mode.

Then there's the fact that we can just be open without judgement here. There's not going to be some dumb fuck who's trying to force their "Omg please don't do it" act to us just so they can feel a little bit better when they go to sleep at night. There's none of this political bullshit here thah permeates every part of online discussions too, where if you don't fit in one ideologies camp, you're the scum of the earth or do not deserve a voice.

Maybe I haven't been around here long enough and its a bit rich of me to say after being here for 2 and a half weeks, but minus the odd whining incel or person who's sadly a bit too far gone in terms of their mental health, fuck it. I'd say this is one of the last bastions of sane discussion on the entire net, despite us all being a bunch of depressed fuckers wanting to die.

I resonate with what you've said and have been around since the subreddit days (5 years?) I was mostly a lurker snd am happy I gained the confidence to interact more. Feeling generally happier and more stable mentally these days and SaSu is my go to hangout, naturally normie types do not understand but I agree, people are more authentic and free to be themselves here.

 

[whatevs]

I resonate with what you've said and have been around since the subreddit days (4 years?) I was mostly a lurker snd am happy I gained the confidence to interact more. Feeling generally happier and more stable mentally these days and SaSu is my go to hangout, naturally normie types do not understand but I agree, people are more authentic and free to be themselves here.

Has someone close to you from the community killed her/himself in that time?

 

[freedompass]

Has someone close to you from the community killed her/himself in that time?

I haven't got that close to anyone here. There was someone on a suicide methods chat. Perhaps I'm heartless or don't have deep attachments idk, I don't really see death as sad.

 

[whatevs]

I haven't got that close to anyone here. There was someone on a suicide methods chat. Perhaps I'm heartless or don't have deep attachments idk, I don't really see death as sad.

Whether it is sad or not has nothing to do with losing a friend. Thanks for responding!

 

[freedompass]

Whether it is sad or not has nothing to do with losing a friend. Thanks for responding!

I'm sorry for your loss