I can't take this world anymore. I feel so out of place, with everyone, everywhere, all the time. I can't communicate with people, except on a very rudimentary level. Children have higher social IQ than I do. It's pretty embarrassing and I'm very much over it. Pretty sure I'm autistic to some degree. Correlate pretty hard with asperger's descriptions of feeling like an alien or freak in this world, like everyone's playing a game that they received instructions for, and we never got our manual.
Been trying to ctb via partial suspension. First time I tried I passed out almost instantaneously just testing it out, but I ended up waking up on the floor. The knot had come undone, either I didn't tie the slipknot right or I undid it in my half conscious state. I had a vague dream like memory of struggling with the rope, so I must have thrashed enough to become release some pressure and regain some consciousness. I ended up with some decent rope marks, throat swelling and pain, and headaches for 2 weeks. No long lasting damage as far as I can tell. I've been attempting a few times a week to get it right this time, (only now I'm using an overhand knot to secure the slipknot) and I can't get the right spot to go unconscious again! Got it so damn easy the first time, not even really trying and I went limp before I knew what was happening. Now that I'm actually trying I can't hit the ideal spot on the carotid again. It's bullshit. I was so close, I was out with a noose around my neck. I should be gone.
Anyhow, I just can't continue existing in society. I can't deal with people. I don't understand them, I don't connect with them, and they don't understand or connect with me. I'm finishing it with the rope, and if I can't get it to work then I'm leaving society to live as a vagrant. That's the only other thing I can imagine doing. I feel like I can get by doing the minimal social interaction needed to panhandle. I'll take a bus south to get away from the cold. It's probably going to be awful, so then after that fails I'll be left with just one option. Catching the real bus.
Been trying to ctb via partial suspension. First time I tried I passed out almost instantaneously just testing it out, but I ended up waking up on the floor. The knot had come undone, either I didn't tie the slipknot right or I undid it in my half conscious state. I had a vague dream like memory of struggling with the rope, so I must have thrashed enough to become release some pressure and regain some consciousness. I ended up with some decent rope marks, throat swelling and pain, and headaches for 2 weeks. No long lasting damage as far as I can tell. I've been attempting a few times a week to get it right this time, (only now I'm using an overhand knot to secure the slipknot) and I can't get the right spot to go unconscious again! Got it so damn easy the first time, not even really trying and I went limp before I knew what was happening. Now that I'm actually trying I can't hit the ideal spot on the carotid again. It's bullshit. I was so close, I was out with a noose around my neck. I should be gone.
Anyhow, I just can't continue existing in society. I can't deal with people. I don't understand them, I don't connect with them, and they don't understand or connect with me. I'm finishing it with the rope, and if I can't get it to work then I'm leaving society to live as a vagrant. That's the only other thing I can imagine doing. I feel like I can get by doing the minimal social interaction needed to panhandle. I'll take a bus south to get away from the cold. It's probably going to be awful, so then after that fails I'll be left with just one option. Catching the real bus.
