I’m going to dropout again

[death137]

If this happens then it isn't going to be something new. I've already dropout 5-6 times. Last time it happened was in late 2019. Few months back I decided to register to some distance learning university. I decided for distance learning because I feel I'm too disgusting to be around ppl. I tried distance before. So when I registered this time around I knew that I will probably dropout again if I don't kill myself soon. I've been dropping out a lot not because I'm dumb but I just don't have the motivation to leave home or study. When you are in hell then it can be very difficult to be motivated. I want to learn. I want to get a degree even if it's worthless nowadays. That's why I tried a lot but I don't have motivation. Assignment and final exams are approaching but I barley studied. I'm hoping to die before that. My birthday is during March and I also don't want to see that again. I wish someone's who tie my hands behind my back and throw me deep into an ocean. Killing yourself isn't an easy task especially mentally. But I'm feeling desperate to leave. I'm hoping to leave in February.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I'm having a somewhat similar experience. It's not so much a desire to separate myself from people as it is a fear of failing. I failed two of my classes, even with accommodations. This is only the third time since I was in middle school that this has happened. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't contribute to my belief that I'll always fuck up.

I always feel like I'm taking the easy way out in these circumstances. As though I'm lesser than and in need of handholding.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very tiring if you have no motivation to do anything. I have never wanted to be alive. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[xcaramel]

I am in the same situation as well but I just requested the school for medical leave instead of suspension so maybe inquire if that is an option for you (I know how difficult it is to make those kinds of emails…). I can't offer much help because I am also at a loss on what to do moving forward but please know my heart goes out to you who is undergoing the same horrible schooling experience as I. It feels nearly impossible to do well in school when ctb is the only thing that fills the mind.

 

[death137]

I am in the same situation as well but I just requested the school for medical leave instead of suspension so maybe inquire if that is an option for you (I know how difficult it is to make those kinds of emails…). I can't offer much help because I am also at a loss on what to do moving forward but please know my heart goes out to you who is undergoing the same horrible schooling experience as I. It feels nearly impossible to do well in school when ctb is the only thing that fills the mind.

I'm sorry you are also in similar situation. I can just quit and register again in the future. Yes money will be wasted and my family will be sad but this is nothing new. All my dropouts happened in university. I had the opportunity to learn in the university and subject I want few times but I ruined them all by quitting without having medical leave or other leaves that will help me get back to them when I want to. Now I'm in a private university and I'm not learning what I want. The subject I want to learn isn't given in a private universities or colleges. I feel more demotivated. But even if I get the opportunity to learn what I want I will probably ruin it again.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I'm having a somewhat similar experience. It's not so much a desire to separate myself from people as it is a fear of failing. I failed two of my classes, even with accommodations. This is only the third time since I was in middle school that this has happened. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't contribute to my belief that I'll always fuck up.

I always feel like I'm taking the easy way out in these circumstances. As though I'm lesser than and in need of handholding.

(Kinda venting. I just wanted to share my experience because the topic being brought up is essentially what motivated me to finally join this forum.)

I've never been a champion of going to school (no surprise there). That isn't to say that the notion of having an education didn't appeal to me or that I didn't value it. My issues appear to derive from the school system's emphasis on engagement. For starters, I'm autistic, so I've always been at a disadvantage in terms of socializing and gaining life experience. Of understanding things. So I occupied myself with the modernity of day-to-day life.

Which, in some ways, lends itself to my current situation(s). I was getting somewhere. I was taking the steps necessary to improve my life. Then COVID happened.

Everything has been set back to square one. If it weren't for the chance that one of my friends (or a family member) wants to spend time with me, I'd be stuck in the house every day. I'm working towards something I initially didn't want. I fucked up and chose the wrong major, and I couldn't stand the constant burnout and discontent. Now, I have a way out. The caveat is that if I want to settle for an AA instead of a bachelor's degree, I'll have to re-transfer to the campus from where I recently transferred. But the biggest gut-punch is that I'd lose my job at the school as a result of this. It's my first job, and it's one I've wanted for a long time. But what's the point now?

It's not about the money. It's the fact that I achieved something I wanted. I've established myself. But now it's time for me to return to my room. After being there for hours, I'll be met with insomnia. I'll still be stuck; I'll be forced to do something I don't want to do. I'll sit there for hours and hours, thinking about how I should have killed myself sooner. Then it's a matter of seeking out methods. After that, I'll move on, look them up, move on, and then go back to them. This will go on for years on end. I'll never be able to commit to doing it. Things may improve, but the desire stays. I'll still feed into it.

I'm a failure.

 

[Bitterman1996]

If this happens then it isn't going to be something new. I've already dropout 5-6 times. Last time it happened was in late 2019. Few months back I decided to register to some distance learning university. I decided for distance learning because I feel I'm too disgusting to be around ppl. I tried distance before. So when I registered this time around I knew that I will probably dropout again if I don't kill myself soon. I've been dropping out a lot not because I'm dumb but I just don't have the motivation to leave home or study. When you are in hell then it can be very difficult to be motivated. I want to learn. I want to get a degree even if it's worthless nowadays. That's why I tried a lot but I don't have motivation. Assignment and final exams are approaching but I barley studied. I'm hoping to die before that. My birthday is during March and I also don't want to see that again. I wish someone's who tie my hands behind my back and throw me deep into an ocean. Killing yourself isn't an easy task especially mentally. But I'm feeling desperate to leave. I'm hoping to leave in February.

Hey, i have similar experience (or rather i saw your post when i was about to write mine and decided to read this first)

Though I haven't try applying to any course / university since my first one which i failed... My birthday is around march too and yea, it feels really depressing about that time of year. Really felt it how hard it is to move on from your past mistakes. Even though some people said it's okay to try and fail, it's not pleasant. Short spark of motivation and then burnout.

It felt shameful.
Some people say staying alive is enough. But is it really enough?

Sorry this reply ended up being so incoherent.

 

[death137]

Hey, i have similar experience (or rather i saw your post when i was about to write mine and decided to read this first)

Though I haven't try applying to any course / university since my first one which i failed... My birthday is around march too and yea, it feels really depressing about that time of year. Really felt it how hard it is to move on from your past mistakes. Even though some people said it's okay to try and fail, it's not pleasant. Short spark of motivation and then burnout.

It felt shameful.
Some people say staying alive is enough. But is it really enough?

Sorry this reply ended up being so incoherent.

No need to say sorry. I understand you well. It's a difficult situation we are in.

 

[Ldog9]

Which, in some ways, lends itself to my current situation(s). I was getting somewhere. I was taking the steps necessary to improve my life. Then COVID happened.

Everything has been set back to square one. If it weren't for the chance that one of my friends (or a family member) wants to spend time with me, I'd be stuck in the house every day. I'm working towards something I initially didn't want. I fucked up and chose the wrong major, and I couldn't stand the constant burnout and discontent. Now, I have a way out. The caveat is that if I want to settle for an AA instead of a bachelor's degree, I'll have to re-transfer to the campus from where I recently transferred. But the biggest gut-punch is that I'd lose my job at the school as a result of this. It's my first job, and it's one I've wanted for a long time. But what's the point now?

It's not about the money. It's the fact that I achieved something I wanted. I've established myself. But now it's time for me to return to my room. After being there for hours, I'll be met with insomnia. I'll still be stuck; I'll be forced to do something I don't want to do. I'll sit there for hours and hours, thinking about how I should have killed myself sooner. Then it's a matter of seeking out methods. After that, I'll move on, look them up, move on, and then go back to them. This will go on for years on end. I'll never be able to commit to doing it. Things may improve, but the desire stays. I'll still feed into it.

I'm a failure.

Your situation is really similar to what I've experience these last couple years. How old are you, are you still young? Lots of people go through college different ways.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

I feel this, Ive been a 'student' now for years. I should have left education years ago but i keep suspending studies, retaking ect. Ive lost a lot of life to it and have so much debt behind me that i dont feel like there is another choice, its do it or die. Which means die

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Your situation is really similar to what I've experience these last couple years. How old are you, are you still young? Lots of people go through college different ways.

I'm in my early twenties. I'm doing better now; I got to keep my job! :)