rudebeat
Member
- Dec 18, 2021
- 61
I haven't eaten since 12pm eastern standard time. I'm going to wait to start the water fast so I can time drinking the sn, if I choose to do it, around 12am-2pm. I'm not going to bother listing the many health issues I have that make me consider doing this, I've said them before. However I thought once I finally overcame all of these health issues that I'd have a life worth going back to. When I returned to a club at the university I used to go to I met an old friend who used to like me a lot and would always laugh at the things I said. Now, when we briefly met today, I thought we didn't have as good of a time as we used to. I didn't think it was bad or good, just not much of anything at all. Then afterwards I heard him talking about me to some of his other friends. I know he was because he was talking about how I did in the game tournament in the match he watched. Afterwards he mentioned feeling kind of uncomfortable. Someone else then asked about why I'd been gone for 2 years and if it was because of depression.
What I told my friend was the truth, I told him when I first left 2 years ago because I wanted to switch majors but it was too far into the semester to change without dropping out. Courses went online fall 2020, then I explained to him the health condition I got, hyperacusis, in 2021. However, my old friends answer to why I left college was too effectively say I made up some bullshit. He said something like, "Oh he said something he had something like cancer and had to leave the school, but now the condition went away and he could return to school now. I kind of wish it would come back." Then he started laughing.
I haven't talked much about how I've struggled socially throughout my life on this site but it's been bad, I wouldn't call it a stretch to say out of the 2,500 or so kids in my middle school I had a reputation for being one of absolute weirdest, and a lot of that's because I was. It was much worse than just having no friends. I publicly humiliated myself many times. I've thought about killing myself since I was 12 and was hospitalized when at that age too. Even the kids within the hospital knew I was weird compared to them. I liked to think I moved past that a lot by senior year of high school and my first couple years of college that I could attend. I was able to hold conversations with people for a bit and I knew how to make people laugh. I'm not sure I'd say I had any self esteem at the time because I was still dealing with the pain of all the years before. Now after going back to see one of my old friends at college it feels like so much of that is gone. I've noticed this in some of my other interactions with a couple of other friends too. I don't feel like I'm weird now, I just feel like I'm a husk of my former self. I'm not funny anymore, I don't laugh with my friends anymore, people don't like being around me anymore like they used to. Even if all my health issues go away it seems pretty likely that I have no life to return to now. I'll probably only make another post if I actually think it's likely that I'll drink the sn at the end of the fast, I don't know what I'll do now. Thank you if you read all this.
What I told my friend was the truth, I told him when I first left 2 years ago because I wanted to switch majors but it was too far into the semester to change without dropping out. Courses went online fall 2020, then I explained to him the health condition I got, hyperacusis, in 2021. However, my old friends answer to why I left college was too effectively say I made up some bullshit. He said something like, "Oh he said something he had something like cancer and had to leave the school, but now the condition went away and he could return to school now. I kind of wish it would come back." Then he started laughing.
I haven't talked much about how I've struggled socially throughout my life on this site but it's been bad, I wouldn't call it a stretch to say out of the 2,500 or so kids in my middle school I had a reputation for being one of absolute weirdest, and a lot of that's because I was. It was much worse than just having no friends. I publicly humiliated myself many times. I've thought about killing myself since I was 12 and was hospitalized when at that age too. Even the kids within the hospital knew I was weird compared to them. I liked to think I moved past that a lot by senior year of high school and my first couple years of college that I could attend. I was able to hold conversations with people for a bit and I knew how to make people laugh. I'm not sure I'd say I had any self esteem at the time because I was still dealing with the pain of all the years before. Now after going back to see one of my old friends at college it feels like so much of that is gone. I've noticed this in some of my other interactions with a couple of other friends too. I don't feel like I'm weird now, I just feel like I'm a husk of my former self. I'm not funny anymore, I don't laugh with my friends anymore, people don't like being around me anymore like they used to. Even if all my health issues go away it seems pretty likely that I have no life to return to now. I'll probably only make another post if I actually think it's likely that I'll drink the sn at the end of the fast, I don't know what I'll do now. Thank you if you read all this.
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