Venting IM GOING CRAAAZZZYYYYYYY

[Fthis]

I just got the sodium nitrite. Just a few months ago I thought if I had a way to kill myself, I would. But now it finally arrived, made it through customs, and all I can get myself to do is stare at the bottle. What if something goes wrong? What if I end up in a mental hospital? What if I end up worse then before? What if my last minutes are suffering?!?!?! Then my brain is making up these redicu trivial reasons to live!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to live but I can't die even when I have the sodium nitrite right in front of me.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Same happened to me, my brain made me start panicking all of a sudden after it arrived. I bet it's the wretched SI trying to preserve life. That's another reason why we need and deserve an easier way to ctb, because the SI makes it hard enough.

 

[aminend]

I understand u, I have this experience. For one week I tried to do it, I fasted and in last moments I couldn't do that I asked myself like these questions. I think that was not my time. in its time u don't care anything and any consequence. When its time come we will do it without thinking about its consequences

 

[motel rooms]

You're not desperate enough...

 

[insanedoomer]

I just got the sodium nitrite. Just a few months ago I thought if I had a way to kill myself, I would. But now it finally arrived, made it through customs, and all I can get myself to do is stare at the bottle. What if something goes wrong? What if I end up in a mental hospital? What if I end up worse then before? What if my last minutes are suffering?!?!?! Then my brain is making up these redicu trivial reasons to live!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to live but I can't die even when I have the sodium nitrite right in front of me.

i personally wont hesitate , but sure i should have some backup plan .

 

[Symbiote]

Just store it in a place that only you can find and no one else does. And when you feel antsy and anxious to leave, spend some time with the bottle and then put it away again. No rush, no one telling you to off yourself now, only you make that decision.

 

[newave3]

You're not desperate enough...

I agree 100%.

 

[motel rooms]

Same happened to me, my brain made me start panicking all of a sudden after it arrived. I bet it's the wretched SI trying to preserve life. That's another reason why we need and deserve an easier way to ctb, because the SI makes it hard enough.

What method could eliminate SI completely? You'd struggle with SI even if you could instantly ctb by pressing a button... If you get desperate enough, you'll take your SN, don't worry about it

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just the SI. It is hard to die as our brains are wired to survive. I agree with the others that desperation can make us go through with it, one day that will happen to me, I will reach that point.

 

[greyhound]

I just got the sodium nitrite. Just a few months ago I thought if I had a way to kill myself, I would. But now it finally arrived, made it through customs, and all I can get myself to do is stare at the bottle. What if something goes wrong? What if I end up in a mental hospital? What if I end up worse then before? What if my last minutes are suffering?!?!?! Then my brain is making up these redicu trivial reasons to live!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to live but I can't die even when I have the sodium nitrite right in front of me.

Shit just got real.

I didn't feel anything when my peaceful pill arrived in the mail. I think I was just too intent on keeping its arrival a secret from my roommates.

But it is sinking in now. I was trying to hold on to finish up some stuff in my life and that consumed all of my mental energy. But now that is done, I can technically go at will and I'm starting to get more scared now. I will certainly miss my family and some other people in my life. It's tough its like every day is a slog and I want to end it, been praying for this time to arrive for months on end. But now that it's here its like maybe I can hold out a bit longer, travel around, etc. I've managed to live for years in this miserable body what's a couple more months?

 

[Superdeterminist]

What method could eliminate SI completely? You'd struggle with SI even if you could instantly ctb by pressing a button... If you get desperate enough, you'll take your SN, don't worry about it

I don't know if any method would have 0 SI but the main point is that SN isn't a cakewalk, it still entails discomfort and apparently a high likelihood for vomiting, and these effects probably exacerbate SI. I'm sure I would have far less SI to overcome with a button press like you mention. I don't want to have to wait to be desperate.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't want to have to wait to be desperate.

But if you're like most of us, you probably will...

 

[Anonymous_A]

I was the exact same…I still feel that way. How it's just sitting my in draw and at any moment I could end my life.
Wish I had balls to get up and just get it over with.
Im not at that point yet but I'm glad that I've got SN for when that time comes.

 

[BeyondGoodNEvil]

Just before i attempted hanging i had that instinct kick in.fear got to me.i thought ill be down in hell trying to bend satan over and and make him my b!!!h.Like ill be down their for eternity so its bound to happen.But really i just couldnt do it.Before i overthought everything to till that point.Now i dont think as much if things go that bad i can always try againn.Maybe it wont be scary second time around.