Illegal Preclear
The CEO of CTB
- Sep 6, 2022
- 217
I'm sure I'm not the first to say this, but this community is important. Really important. I've been a longtime lurker and only started posting recently, now that I know I'm close to the end - but having this community has made the end so much less lonely. I'm pretty much already dead mentally and neurologically with multiple disabilities. I have no IRL friends and I've gone dark on all my social media. Even online, I'm like a vampire who becomes intensely upset interacting with 'the living.' Besides, my schizophrenia and the way I was treated for it led me to becoming a semi-well known 'lolcow' on the internet. So I literally don't speak with anyone I used to know anymore, or anyone for that matter. In the town I live, I've been publicly hauled off by police to Psychiatric Institutions 6 times within the past 3 years. I've been so dehumanized by Psychiatrists and everyone around me my entire life (I've been forcibly drugged since I was 3, I'm 35 now) I don't know what being human feels like. And well meaning but oblivious people will STILL tell me "life is worth living no matter what".
It isn't. If I had the sense God gave a cockroach I would have CTBd 2 decades ago and saved myself so much humiliation and trauma. I knew when I was 10 years old that it made a lot more sense to CTB than to carry on with this disabled life that wasn't worth living. And I'm glad I have a space to say those words. I'm glad I have a space to say my disabled life is NOT. WORTH. LIVING. Because I know I'm not the only disabled person here who feels that way. The modern day, HOPE-ium and inspiration porn drunk world wants to cling to this beautiful lie that being disabled is just a different state of being and you'll live a beautiful special life. I'm sure for some it is. But for a lot of us, it's living Hell. It's a waking, nonstopped nightmare we can never wake up from until we're dead. If you say these things on Reddit or Twitter, people call you a Eugenicist for DARING to say disabled people should have the right to die (I believe EVERYONE should have the right to die). That, and talking about the desire to CTB just about anywhere will have people trying to usher you into the Mental Health System - the same sadistic machine that stripped me of my humanity when I was 3 years old.
I thank the stars I found this very rare place that rejects beautiful lies in favor of ugly truths. Because the truth is what's REAL, no matter how ugly. I'm glad I don't have to spend the end of my life thinking I'm the only one who thinks this way.
The truth is, and will always be - Life is not worth living for everyone.
It isn't. If I had the sense God gave a cockroach I would have CTBd 2 decades ago and saved myself so much humiliation and trauma. I knew when I was 10 years old that it made a lot more sense to CTB than to carry on with this disabled life that wasn't worth living. And I'm glad I have a space to say those words. I'm glad I have a space to say my disabled life is NOT. WORTH. LIVING. Because I know I'm not the only disabled person here who feels that way. The modern day, HOPE-ium and inspiration porn drunk world wants to cling to this beautiful lie that being disabled is just a different state of being and you'll live a beautiful special life. I'm sure for some it is. But for a lot of us, it's living Hell. It's a waking, nonstopped nightmare we can never wake up from until we're dead. If you say these things on Reddit or Twitter, people call you a Eugenicist for DARING to say disabled people should have the right to die (I believe EVERYONE should have the right to die). That, and talking about the desire to CTB just about anywhere will have people trying to usher you into the Mental Health System - the same sadistic machine that stripped me of my humanity when I was 3 years old.
I thank the stars I found this very rare place that rejects beautiful lies in favor of ugly truths. Because the truth is what's REAL, no matter how ugly. I'm glad I don't have to spend the end of my life thinking I'm the only one who thinks this way.
The truth is, and will always be - Life is not worth living for everyone.
