Venting I'm getting worse

[peerlesscucumber]

I've already talked about my problem with intrusive thoughts)? (People here seemed to have diagnosed me with OCD but Im still convinced I'm just a bad person)

So, the problem here is, these disgusting ass thought have been getting so much worse lately, and I genuinely don't know why. It's getting harder and harder for me to deflect them and sometimes I even find myself in some kind of trance or weird daydream, like I lose track of time with these gross fantasies.

I don't know how to make it better, but I blame the stress from the upcoming standardized tests coming up (I doubt I'll get a high enough score for the career I want) or maybe because September and October are never good months for me??? There's also the possibility that the fact that I'm recovering from a sh addiction has some impact in this but I doubt it

I just can't get rid of these damn thoughts and I can't tell anyone because I'm too poor for therapy and I don't trust any of my friends because every time I dared talk about one of my problems they either ended up making it worse or telling me that I'm being dramatic.

Idk how long I can keep up with this, I genuinely think there's something wrong with me and I don't think that I'll be ever able to fix it in this life.

I can't bear with the burden of making my parents pay for an education I won't finish, but I'm scared of letting go of my life too because of some damn suicide pact I made with someone I care for too much to kill.

I don't know what to do and being told that I should "talk to someone" is getting too old for me

 

[ipmanwc0]

I've already talked about my problem with intrusive thoughts)? (People here seemed to have diagnosed me with OCD but Im still convinced I'm just a bad person)

So, the problem here is, these disgusting ass thought have been getting so much worse lately, and I genuinely don't know why. It's getting harder and harder for me to deflect them and sometimes I even find myself in some kind of trance or weird daydream, like I lose track of time with these gross fantasies.

I don't know how to make it better, but I blame the stress from the upcoming standardized tests coming up (I doubt I'll get a high enough score for the career I want) or maybe because September and October are never good months for me??? There's also the possibility that the fact that I'm recovering from a sh addiction has some impact in this but I doubt it

I just can't get rid of these damn thoughts and I can't tell anyone because I'm too poor for therapy and I don't trust any of my friends because every time I dared talk about one of my problems they either ended up making it worse or telling me that I'm being dramatic.

Idk how long I can keep up with this, I genuinely think there's something wrong with me and I don't think that I'll be ever able to fix it in this life.

I can't bear with the burden of making my parents pay for an education I won't finish, but I'm scared of letting go of my life too because of some damn suicide pact I made with someone I care for too much to kill.

I don't know what to do and being told that I should "talk to someone" is getting too old for me

I relate to what you said. if you'd like to talk dm me

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Nobody online can diagnose you but it does sound a lot like OCD. Are you a generally anxious person? If so, recognize that OCD is typically an offshoot of anxiety, and can be treated with meds. I went through hell with intrusive thoughts for many months before I got on a combination of SSRI + benzos. I'm not saying that's ideal for everyone, but it was enough to help my mind loosen up and stop my obsessive thinking.

The intrusive thoughts often come because you're in fact a good and moral person and are afraid of spinning out of control somehow. That's why OCD zeroes in on the thing or things you fear most. It preys upon your weaknesses like that. When you learn to spot what it's doing, and how it's basically just a mindfuck, it becomes a little easier to beat because you're seeing through its game.

I hope you manage to find an affordable route for appropriate treatment - especially with regards to medication, which is really the only way to treat something mentally ongoing that you can't break free from. Good luck.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Nobody online can diagnose you but it does sound a lot like OCD. Are you a generally anxious person? If so, recognize that OCD is typically an offshoot of anxiety, and can be treated with meds. I went through hell with intrusive thoughts for many months before I got on a combination of SSRI + benzos. I'm not saying that's ideal for everyone, but it was enough to help my mind loosen up and stop my obsessive thinking.

Ye I absolutely know that online diagnosis aren't trustable at all, much less one from suicidal people on an anonymous forum haha

And yeah, Im pretty anxious most of the time, I think it runs in the family ngl. I've looked into doctors and the cheapest options I could get in my area, but honestly, this closest thing I'd be able to afford would be a Catholic priest in a confessional booth