Things are just fucking horrible. I'm at a point where I'm absolutely ready to call it quits. I just want peace but then I remember that I won't be getting any peace at all. Just oblivion. That's what is stopping me this whole time. My mind is thrashing back and forth, back and forth between these two things. Die and end my suffering but have no peace because I will have nothing at all or live and suffer but have my consciousness. My health and brain function issues are more than enough to drive me mad but this back and forth over ending it and SI is just fucking unbarable. I'm going to break soon. I can't deal with any of this much longer.
I used to feel this exact same way, but now I'm to the point where I'm feeling like oblivion won't be that bad, because I'm always trying to stay asleep to avoid life, and I think oblivion will be similar. My suffering has changed my mind. The more time goes on, the more I want to die. My situation may change before my CTB date this summer, and life may become bearable for me, but I don't even know if it will be enough to keep me around. If my situation doesn't change significantly, I'm outta here. Oblivion here I come!
By the way, I just got discharged from the hospital, because I was at the dentist today for another tooth extraction, and had a totally separate medical emergency that caused them to call the ambulance. I was at the dentist from 9am, and was just about to get the tooth extracted at 2pm, but around 1:30pm I was attacked by extremely painful abdominal pains, and I almost passed out. I took 4 pain pills within 30 minutes and the pain was still crazy. The ambulance had to come and rush me to the emergency room, so now I have to reschedule the tooth extraction. Monday I'm going to the doctor so they can finally test for cancer, and help me with the issues related to where the pain came from. These are just 2 physical problems I have, there's more... Why the hell do I want to live this kind of life? There is nothing but problems, there is literally nothing left but problems!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't think I will ever be able to believe there is a god again, and that any of my suffering had purpose. If I would have killed myself along time ago, today would have never happened. I've been in a crisis for decades at this point. Just a desperate unpleasant disaster crisis with no one but narcissistic abusers who helped ruin my life to depend on.