I’m getting increasingly impulsive

[Ghost2211]

My SN kit is complete now. My meto came today, and that was the final piece of the puzzle. I've been trying so hard to just get through each day, but every day it's getting harder. My ex is telling me that he will do anything to make quality of life good enough to carry-on. He's telling me he will support me in the kids, and that he will not remove custody. he's telling me that he'll be any degree of in or out of my life that I want or need. He's telling me that he won't be able to carry on his career or cope with life knowing that my death was a result of the loss of relationship. He's telling me that the kids won't be able to cope especially the eight-year-old that has depression.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't let go of the attachment I have to him. I don't know why I can't just be happy being financially provide for. I don't know why every single day every hour my brain is just filled with the desire to hurt myself, and that I know that if I was alone for even 20 minutes I would be dead. I'm literally never alone. I have at least one child around me at all times, and my ex is not letting the kids out of my sight because he knows I will not end it in front of them.

I am basically having to stay on low-dose marijuana all the time to be even moderately stable. My ex is convinced that I am still in an acute depression due to the fact the relationship ended two months ago. He is absolutely convinced that it will get better, and then I will be able to cope with the loss of a partner that I've had the majority of my adult life. It's also a special form of fucked up for the person who left you to be the one you have to turn to to help you emotionally.

now that I've made proper preparations, and I no longer afraid to die I'm just impulsively waiting to take my chance. He keeps wanting to get me help, but I don't really know what anyone can do to help me.

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

hi roseybird. its ok. i am here. you are not alone. what are you doing right now?

 

[Ghost2211]

hi roseybird. its ok. i am here. you are not alone. what are you doing right now?

I need to put the baby to bed soon. Ex took the older kids out to a movie. Tried to get him to take all three but he refused

 

[one4all]

Doing anything on an impulse is not advised. Have you thought everything out?

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

are you able to smoke and chill a bit? what do you need?

 

[Ghost2211]

Doing anything on an impulse is not advised. Have you thought everything out?

That is the thing everything is very thoroughly planned out, and I made a completed SN kit. The impulsive aspect is timing

are you able to smoke and chill a bit? what do you need?

yeah, I take the marijuana in candy form because I have kids and a bird in the house. I'll sedate myself as usual.

 

[one4all]

That is the thing everything is very thoroughly planned out, and I made a completed SN kit. The impulsive aspect is timing


yeah, I take the marijuana in candy form because I have kids and a bird in the house. I'll sedate myself as usual.

What is the timing factor that is the aspect?

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

im very sorry that you are going through this. all i can think about is hurting myself too.

it's very good that you are making sure that the kids are safe right now. did he take the 2 kids to give you a break? when is he coming back?

 

[Deathbydemo]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is there absolutely no way you can stay for the sake of your children?

I understand if the answer is no. I am a mother myself. I just hope you have thought it all through extensively. I wish you peace with your decision.

 

[Ghost2211]

My two-year-old has autism, and is getting aba therapy for days a week. In addition to that my ex is at a point in his career that he will make a lot more money to provide for the kids if I wait a couple more years. Basically everybody around me desperately needs me and is dependent on me. I am always the person that is strong for everybody else, but I don't have anyone who is able to be strong enough for me since there's only one person that could really do it and he doesn't love me anymore

im very sorry that you are going through this. all i can think about is hurting myself too.

it's very good that you are making sure that the kids are safe right now. did he take the 2 kids to give you a break? when is he coming back?

My middle child is completely obsessed with sonic, so they went to go see the movie. They will be back in a couple hours but I still have the baby

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is there absolutely no way you can stay for the sake of your children?

I understand if the answer is no. I am a mother myself. I just hope you have thought it all through extensively. I wish you peace with your decision.

Quite frankly if I could magically get rid of the emotional attachment I have to my ex that would do the trick, but I've been trying for two months and it just doesn't go away no matter what
How am I supposed to take the middle ground where this person left me but still provides for me. Well I'm still in love with someone, but they are always at arms reach. I have to watch them with someone else, and watch him give her the family that he took away for me. He's always so close yet so far. He's still a sexual partner, and still an emotional partner, but somethings vital is gone. That something that made us husband and wife is gone. It's really a weird mindfuck of a middle ground

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

So you want to ctb bc of your emotional attachment to your ex? Sounds like you are extremely overwhelmed right now which is fully understandable. I cannot even attempt o give advice on this situation w ur ex. It sounds beyond complicated. I am here to listen though.

 

[Ghost2211]

So you want to ctb bc of your emotional attachment to your ex? Sounds like you are extremely overwhelmed right now which is fully understandable. I cannot even attempt o give advice on this situation w ur ex. It sounds beyond complicated. I am here to listen though.

yeah, beyond complicated sums it up pretty well. I guess I will do what I always do in this state of mind and get stoned and go to sleep.

 

[one4all]

yeah, beyond complicated sums it up pretty well. I guess I will do what I always do in this state of mind and get stoned and go to sleep.

I little escape is better then the final one... sometimes

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

yeah, beyond complicated sums it up pretty well. I guess I will do what I always do in this state of mind and get stoned and go to sleep.

distraction is better than a permanent decision. this stuff with your ex is very fresh and things could change at any moment. just a little escape is best for right now.