helpmeleave
Ohshht I can put anything here
- Apr 12, 2025
- 14
Just coming to terms with how even love and friendship is transactional, is such a difficult to describe feeling.
The most dehumanizing part, really, is that you realize how much of friendship is people's desire to be entertained. Is holding a conversation. It's so difficult to do when you've spent the past 3 years being tortured, completely alone in a delusion, even while being surrounded by people. Like drowning in plain sight, every day and night. Like, being locked in a room with your abuser, yelling, non stop, day and night, about how everything is your fault.
And once people stop being entertained, they're less and less willing to put up with the natural highs and lows of a relationship. And I guess it's just depressing, because you start to see that there's really nothing of value in this world. Love isn't actually real, it's an illusion, exclusive to only the fortunate people with the right childhood for it.
When you're really at the bottom of the social food chain, you start to see the reality of all the people with "love" in their life. The people in relationships, are cruel to others. None of them really love each other. Or they're openly abusive in some way, or toxic, but they get away with it, because they're entertaining, to some degree, to others.
No one really cares about anything. I have no interest in love anymore, even though it's an innate human desire, it's just not real. Not for people like me.
I can never think of anything to say. But it's like everyone wants you to talk to them, God forbid you have nothing to say. Being left for dead by your old friends because you stop being entertaining enough is enlightening, about the world. The way people with supposed "love" in their life actually are. Just fucking soulless dopamine addicts looking to laugh at bullshit from an abuser.
It doesn't matter if you've never been loved as a child, or if life is completely, entirely, and unreasonably unfair. No one cares. That's the secret.
I don't want to become an awful person like them, so I'd rather just die.
The most dehumanizing part, really, is that you realize how much of friendship is people's desire to be entertained. Is holding a conversation. It's so difficult to do when you've spent the past 3 years being tortured, completely alone in a delusion, even while being surrounded by people. Like drowning in plain sight, every day and night. Like, being locked in a room with your abuser, yelling, non stop, day and night, about how everything is your fault.
And once people stop being entertained, they're less and less willing to put up with the natural highs and lows of a relationship. And I guess it's just depressing, because you start to see that there's really nothing of value in this world. Love isn't actually real, it's an illusion, exclusive to only the fortunate people with the right childhood for it.
When you're really at the bottom of the social food chain, you start to see the reality of all the people with "love" in their life. The people in relationships, are cruel to others. None of them really love each other. Or they're openly abusive in some way, or toxic, but they get away with it, because they're entertaining, to some degree, to others.
No one really cares about anything. I have no interest in love anymore, even though it's an innate human desire, it's just not real. Not for people like me.
I can never think of anything to say. But it's like everyone wants you to talk to them, God forbid you have nothing to say. Being left for dead by your old friends because you stop being entertaining enough is enlightening, about the world. The way people with supposed "love" in their life actually are. Just fucking soulless dopamine addicts looking to laugh at bullshit from an abuser.
It doesn't matter if you've never been loved as a child, or if life is completely, entirely, and unreasonably unfair. No one cares. That's the secret.
I don't want to become an awful person like them, so I'd rather just die.
