Venting I'm fucking up my life and don't feel anything about it

[SoulofSteel]

Yesterday I badly screwed up a midterm, barely answered anything...and today I fucked up an assignment that I barely had the will to do, yet whatever effort I put in it was all in vain, everyone who's taking the same class knows it, I used to do very well and now I'm setting myself up to failure yet I just don't feel anything, I know that if things keep going like this I'll only fuck things up more yet why don't I care? Why can't I give a shit about my own future anymore? My desire to cease existing trumps everything yet if I continue to do so I don't want to deal with anything. Its as if my brain simply gave up and now it's like I'm trying to purposefully fuck my life up to give myself even more reasons to ctb.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Ig it's about college (?) exams? Do you really want to go to college? Is the subject really what you want to learn/do? Are you forced to do it?

Maybe that's why you start "blocking"?

You only need to answer those questions for yourself.

 

[SoulofSteel]

Ig it's about college (?) exams? Do you really want to go to college? Is the subject really what you want to learn/do? Are you forced to do it?

Maybe that's why you start "blocking"?

You only need to answer those questions for yourself.

This has started since my ex left me, I slowly became suicidal and just completely shut down, it just fucked up me completely and what's worse is that we go to the same college and attend the same classes which makes it even more painful.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This has started since my ex left me, I slowly became suicidal and just completely shut down, it just fucked up me completely and what's worse is that we go to the same college and attend the same classes which makes it even more painful.

Mhmm ic. Well yeah break ups can hurt so much but actually they're not a reason to CTB when still being so young. Please don't get me wrong I'm not pro-life. Can't you talk about that with someone? It must have hit you hard and I can imagine how hard it is to deal with such breakups.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Kit1]

This has started since my ex left me, I slowly became suicidal and just completely shut down, it just fucked up me completely and what's worse is that we go to the same college and attend the same classes which makes it even more painful.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with college after the break up and it must be hard to share lecturers with your ex being there.

Have you considered any talking therapies? Deferring the year or moving college?

Often breaking up can be quite difficult or traumatic - but sometimes the break up might actually be a blessing. Perhaps you are destined to be far happier than you would have been if that relationship had carried on - I accept that this is not how it will feel right now. But if you felt happy once in a relationship, you have a chance of possibly finding happiness again..,

Have you considered talking therapies, writting a journal, mindfulness, meditation - I might sound naive here or even irritating as you are in so much pain. You deserve to to be happy and please consider giving yourself that permission to be happy and to give yourself a chance.

I hope everything works out for you. Take care.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Yesterday I badly screwed up a midterm, barely answered anything...and today I fucked up an assignment that I barely had the will to do, yet whatever effort I put in it was all in vain, everyone who's taking the same class knows it, I used to do very well and now I'm setting myself up to failure yet I just don't feel anything, I know that if things keep going like this I'll only fuck things up more yet why don't I care? Why can't I give a shit about my own future anymore? My desire to cease existing trumps everything yet if I continue to do so I don't want to deal with anything. Its as if my brain simply gave up and now it's like I'm trying to purposefully fuck my life up to give myself even more reasons to ctb.

You already know that I know your pain we are here for the same reasons. Yes your brain/mind is purposely fucking shit up to move you along with your CTB plans. No advice that I can give. Just know that I feel the same.

 

[Sylveon]

Can relate; I failed my college entrances this year, so I'll write them again from Jan. onwards, but with how it's all going, it's just going to be a repeat of this year. It feels as though I've given up on my future mentally already.