Venting i’m fucking losing it, i’m gonna die.

[synthcadia]

i can't fucking focus. i feel like at any moment i'm going to spontaneously combust, that everyone will leave, that i will be left alone. i feel like my thoughts are moving like race cars, yet i am standing still. i feel like i want to rip my skin off because of how much i hate it. i feel like i don't have a face or an identity and i am an empty husk.

i'm getting therapy tomorrow. fucking fucking FUCKING SCARED. but i feel like i'm going to die before getting it.

idk if this is a bpd episode or whatever. but i hate this.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

It sounds familiar. I have bpd too. I don't know if it will help you but sometimes I find sticking my head in really cold water helps or just walking... like stomping hard til I can't go anymore helps. I really hope you find your appointment helpful

 

[synthcadia]

It sounds familiar. I have bpd too. I don't know if it will help you but sometimes I find sticking my head in really cold water helps or just walking... like stomping hard til I can't go anymore helps. I really hope you find your appointment helpful

i should try doing that. i found that talking to some people helped a bit, esp. my partner.

i wish my partner didn't have such a stereotypical view of bpd. but they are just trying to help.

and me too, honestly. i'm so anxious and i think the fear of abandonment from trying to find friends on this app for vrchat is like consuming me. even though i know i'm not doing anything wrong. i'm just not telling my partner bc well they trust me and i don't want to trigger a bpd episode.

i wonder if i am in the wrong here. i'm not lying. but i don't want to trigger a bpd episode and have them leave me. and i am not doing anything regarding infidelity at all.
oh god just adding onto this.

former person i was obsessed with. i accidently sent him a tiktok that i THOUGHT i sent to my partner. and he had replied with "no i have a girlfriend" but i said "????" but then i saw and i profusely apologized. and i feel so embarrassed. bc i think he hates me. so i'm going to apologize to him in DMs.