Im fucking confused

[Liseli]

It didn't feel appropriate to post it in suicide-discussion soooo.
Lately most people have been kind to me. I don't know what the fuck happened. I did nothing I wouldn't normally do. I mean for now people weren't openly mean to me for no reason. I had this happening to me before even when i didnt know the person at all. I mean maybe someone is talking bad about me behind my back I don't know. But generally people talk to me and don't treat me like shit and its a few people who don't even interact with each other too much. I'm just waiting for the moment when the tables turn. It has happened before. I'm just waiting. This is giving me waiting anxiety. The only psychologist I ever talked to said that he is confused on why I am mentally ill and claimed that a lot of people would come to my funeral. I never believed those lies. Something ain't right. I know it'll come. I hope not?? Someone even confessed to me??? Huh????? I don't feel like bragging I'm sorry if it comes off that way. I don't understand why someone would GENUINELY like me. I have been bullied hardcore and ignored and left behind growing up. But now people don't treat me extremely like shit anymore..??? And yes even when I reached age 18 I was treated shit. I was treated shit as a adult too. I don't fucking know?? It's a waiting threat I just know it
One wrong word and people will bully you. I just know it
I don't understand. Why anyone even would miss me. (I had people telling me that before too???) I was treated like shit SO GODAMN MUCH

 

[Ididthis]

So, maybe it's not so much that it's happening more, but you're taking that side of interactions in more. From what you're saying you clearly spend some time analyzing the interactions and yourself, overthinking a lot of it, right? Sorry if i'm totally wrong. But maybe something mental health wise is clicking for you, and you're able to focus more on the positive interactions. Being treated well and being treated like shit are vastly different, but when you're the kind of person to overthink, what you fixate on has a huge effect on how you're interpreting reality. Throw in some of that subtle imposter syndrome and the good is iffy, the bad is validating and bad bad for you.
You may have changed how you're interacting with the world, taking a look inside at what qualities you're bringing forward more now versus when you were being bullied and harmed (and that in no way is mewnt to imply you brought any of that on yourself) might help clear some of the fog.
Try to be kinder to yourself and give the good the benefit of the doubt, it takes practice but you deserve to be able to trust that people can genuinely be kind. I'm sorry you've been trained otherwise... mean people suck.

 

[Liseli]

So, maybe it's not so much that it's happening more, but you're taking that side of interactions in more. From what you're saying you clearly spend some time analyzing the interactions and yourself, overthinking a lot of it, right? Sorry if i'm totally wrong. But maybe something mental health wise is clicking for you, and you're able to focus more on the positive interactions. Being treated well and being treated like shit are vastly different, but when you're the kind of person to overthink, what you fixate on has a huge effect on how you're interpreting reality. Throw in some of that subtle imposter syndrome and the good is iffy, the bad is validating and bad bad for you.
You may have changed how you're interacting with the world, taking a look inside at what qualities you're bringing forward more now versus when you were being bullied and harmed (and that in no way is mewnt to imply you brought any of that on yourself) might help clear some of the fog.
Try to be kinder to yourself and give the good the benefit of the doubt, it takes practice but you deserve to be able to trust that people can genuinely be kind. I'm sorry you've been trained otherwise... mean people suck.

I honestly still don't know. People are too damn complicated