Help I'm even more fucked up than i was

[accidentaldeath]

I was finally taking the last steps had the method and everything ready for doing it, finally found a good way to make ctb look like an accident and decided to make a life insurance, not too much quantity but at least some quantity that can help my family with the costs my death will generate. I know this might be unethical for some people but is what I finally decided. My main reason to make it look like an accident because I knew my family coudn't overcome my suicide but they would eventually overcome my accidental death.

When I was doing the insurance they discovered that I was doing a life insurance, they don't suspect anything but they know that I like to go out with my sport motorbike and ride fast, so I told them it was just in case I had a traffic accident and probably woudn't happen anything any time, but I wanted to do this just in case. My mom got really mad and seriously told me that if I die while she's alive she would suicide because she couldn't overcome the pain. Now I'm even more fucked up, I'm afraid of doing it because of her, I don't have anything but she has another daughter and a granddaughter which need her and she's living a happy life right now, she doesn't even spend so much time with me for her life to depend on me, I know she would get sad but I don't understand why she would do that.

The problem is I can't stand this pain anymore things are getting even worse everyday I'm starting to suffer from serious health issues and I've been waiting too long for things to get better, but they don't and finally they won't ever will so there is no good reason for me to stand this pain anymore. What would you do in my situation? I'm pretty much desperate.

 

[Aaron]

Well you need to find the fine line between your own situation and your mothers happiness and your the only person who knows the details thus needs to make the decision. Either way she could be bluffing anyways. For me, I don't get along with my mother I think shes crazy and partially guilty in my situation so you know my answer.

 

[Caerula]

If I were you I would accept the fact that she might decide to commit suicide and do it.

 

[Lara Francis]

I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.It sounds like you have really taken time to plan things in preparation and now mum has turned your thoughts up side down.I can see things from both perspectives ie a parent and a sucicidal person myself.As a parent,I can see where your mum is coming from ,as parents we always think that we should die before our children and when it happens the other way round it definitely feels like an injustice and unfair but I also know the strong desire to commit suicide to find peace and end personal suffering. hard situation to be in.just take some time to think.

 

[accidentaldeath]

I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.It sounds like you have really taken time to plan things in preparation and now mum has turned your thoughts up side down.I can see things from both perspectives ie a parent and a sucicidal person myself.As a parent,I can see where your mum is coming from ,as parents we always think that we should die before our children and when it happens the other way round it definitely feels like an injustice and unfair but I also know the strong desire to commit suicide to find peace and end personal suffering. hard situation to be in.just take some time to think.

I will take my time, but yes, it's been a long time since I planned things I've been into years of suffering hoping that everything gets better and it only got worse. I don't want my mom to do anything because she's really happy right now but it can take a long time until she die because of the age, and I can't stand so much time, things are getting worse and worse by moments and the pain only increases.

Also, as this is starting to affect my health, if I don't ctb soon I will probably die soon or later, I just don't want to go through more years of suffering and want to end it all so I can finally rest in peace.

 

[Lara Francis]

I totally understand.I persume your mum is up to speed on the degree of your suffering.have you thought of assisted sucicide on medical grounds.?
Maybe when your mum has calmed down she will be more receptive to talking.I hope you find a resolve and peace in whatever you choose.

 

[accidentaldeath]

I totally understand.I persume your mum is up to speed on the degree of your suffering.have you thought of assisted sucicide on medical grounds.?
Maybe when your mum has calmed down she will be more receptive to talking.I hope you find a resolve and peace in whatever you choose.

The pain I'm referring to is just emotional pain, although starting to have health problems this is not the main issue so I can't do it assisted, my mum has no idea of what I'm going through, I want to be alone in this I know if I talk about it with her she would worry and suffer too and there is no reason for her to suffer and making her suffer would only make things worse so the few moments I'm with her I just try to put a fake smile on my face and tell her that everything's fine when I do it I will make it look like a credible accident so she thinks at least I died happy. What I'm afraid is she suicide because of me, my life is already ruined, and I don't want to ruin other people life.

 

[itsallover]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it would devastate my mother as well if I died, but there is only so much suffering a human being can take. Death is a scary thing, though that is the only way to stop your pain in some cases. If you have already built up the courage to do it and are at peace with it considering your medical circumstances then I wouldn't blame you if you did go through with your plan. You are being very responsible by even writing up a will. Others would just go ahead and do it without such considerations.