Venting I’m done. Why am I still here?

[sugarb]

I feel I've done and seen what I'm capable of and actually want to do. I'm just bored now. What logic is there behind me still being here? How does this make sense?

Everything is two-dimensional. Nothing retains interest, nothing is perfect, nothing feels truly good. It's all fluff.

Every single conversation I have is either an attempt at stimulation or a necessary step towards blowing my fucking brains out. And the stimulation isn't working. Like- Jesus Christ. How am I this bored? Did I fry my dopamine receptors somehow?

When I really think about it I have no real connection to anyone or anything. Even my own body. The part of me that speaks, the shell, the human mask- people like that ok. But the actual core of me is completely invisible. Even here, I'm wearing a suit to make myself palatable and understandable. And the only reason I can have anything resembling honest conversation is because I can divorce the text on the screen from the idea of fingers and faces on the other end.

I wrote it in another post- my brain is a hurricane. I hate the weekly, daily, hourly shifting of my whole mindset. I dislike the intricacy of thought and speech, the meandering pathways, the pitfalls. I want out, desperately. Freedom. I can imagine myself as a bird, flinging my wings side as the wind buffets me higher, tossed by the breeze over waving grass and water. I want that. Lightness, grace, effortless natural peace. I don't understand why I can't just go already.
On a tangent- I'm glad this place exists. I unfortunately don't feel any real connection or community here either but it's better than my thoughts just rattling around in my head all day

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wanting peace from it all, I wish you the best.

 

[DrearyAsh348]

Honestly I love how you describe it. It's hell. Just woke up and already my body and mind feel worse than I ever dreamed possible. Everything feels joyless. It's like it's all just bullshit. I'm realizing how little I ever truly understood people and what they do, and why. Just why anything? I feel crazy and scared of myself sometimes because holy shit I'm going off the rails mentally.

Life is so... crazy for real. Crazy to think all this suffering is just what happens to people sooner or later. We just... decay mentally and physically and it hurts so much. The universe enables us to suffer and for what?

 

[sugarb]

Honestly I love how you describe it. It's hell. Just woke up and already my body and mind feel worse than I ever dreamed possible. Everything feels joyless. It's like it's all just bullshit. I'm realizing how little I ever truly understood people and what they do, and why. Just why anything? I feel crazy and scared of myself sometimes because holy shit I'm going off the rails mentally.

Life is so... crazy for real. Crazy to think all this suffering is just what happens to people sooner or later. We just... decay mentally and physically and it hurts so much. The universe enables us to suffer and for what?

I feel crazy, too. Like I'm hyper-hyper aware of everything but can't articulate it, sort of. and my brain just comes up with weird feelings and thoughts.

I mean, it's always been that way to a degree since I was a kid, but it seems like with every year the whole hyper-aware despairing need for freedom from material reality thing has just gotten more intense. as if I'm getting more conscious or something

I'm at a point where my body will be laughing at a joke really hard while my brain is thinking about suicide. It's not even about joy anymore, just escape from this paper-thin reality and exterior feelings

I'm glad death exists. Imagine if this was forever. :(