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microwaved_dawg

microwaved_dawg

Certified dumbass
Nov 22, 2024
14
I couldn't CTB and I'm now facing some very very big consequences.

I've lost everyone I ever cared about, I lost all of my friends and my girlfriend in one night. Everyone around me just became bitter and no one wants to even fucking see me.

When I tried to CTB and failed I couldn't have imagined it would only get worse from there. I want to try again but now it's more difficult than ever with everyone weary of me trying something.

I'm just dead to people, I'm still here but dead in their minds. Kind of reverse CTB all the loneliness with no relief haha.

How can I get back up?, I don't really know where to start and reconnecting with the people I lost is out the question.
 
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whoami?

New Member
Nov 19, 2024
4
Well, umm I don't know to what extent I can relate but... I have lost many friends cause of my suicide attempt or if not lost they have distanced them self to some extent and.... The best thing I'm trying to tell myself is : "If these people can't be around me in my hard times then .... Are they even friends? idk.... But sometimes I'm thinking the complete opposite that I pushed these people away and it was disturbing for them...
But 😞. ..... I idk it is kinda comforting accepting that I'm alone and all by myself and I'm starting to like it.

Best wishes can always DM me if u wanna talk bout this maybe we can get some comfort sharing our burdens lol

I hope I helped :)
 
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Shadows From Hell

Shadows From Hell

I'm ready for Hell
Oct 21, 2024
68
It's amazing to find out who your true family and friends are when you've hit the deepest parts of hell in your life.

Those who stuck with you and help you battle through it, are the true ones.

The one's that turned away from you.... Well....
 
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E

extremelytired1

Member
Dec 18, 2024
8
I couldn't CTB and I'm now facing some very very big consequences.

I've lost everyone I ever cared about, I lost all of my friends and my girlfriend in one night. Everyone around me just became bitter and no one wants to even fucking see me.

When I tried to CTB and failed I couldn't have imagined it would only get worse from there. I want to try again but now it's more difficult than ever with everyone weary of me trying something.

I'm just dead to people, I'm still here but dead in their minds. Kind of reverse CTB all the loneliness with no relief haha.

How can I get back up?, I don't really know where to start and reconnecting with the people I lost is out the question.
Could you say more? I can't imagine they'd turn on you if they cared? Maybe they were superficial, or just don't know how to deal with it, or again I don't know you or your situation but mental health problems can cause people to misinterpret things or get confused. I know it's affected me recently with ptsd and probable psychotic depression. I pushed everybody away to feel safe. Why is reconnecting out of the question?
 
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microwaved_dawg

microwaved_dawg

Certified dumbass
Nov 22, 2024
14
For anyone curious about why it's out of the question. Basically I threw a fit in a Christmas party.

We planned a Christmas party before I tried to CTB and my then gf convinced me to go in order to get things right with all my friends. I hesitated but ultimately went.

They were all hostile towards me, I apologized with them but continued to be hostile and once they became drunk they began screaming at me. I just tried to avoid ignore them until I couldn't. I saw my the gf smoking one cigarette after another (for context, I hate smoking I just can't stand the smell of people smoking near me because I have a sensitive nose) with one of my friends and that just made me detonate.

I grabbed the cigarettes and threw them in the fire, extinguished it, grabbed the bottle I had brought and threw it on the ground. I tried to storm off the party but couldn't, one of them (the one smoking) grabbed me, slammed me on the ground and choked me until I almost blacked out. No one did anything, they were all just telling me to fuck off while I was panicking due to the lack of oxygen. Someone called my parents and they picked me up shortly after and got the guy off me.

I thought that they would be at worst dismissive but I never once imagined they would be hostile, even less to the point of almost killing me.

Well, umm I don't know to what extent I can relate but... I have lost many friends cause of my suicide attempt or if not lost they have distanced them self to some extent and.... The best thing I'm trying to tell myself is : "If these people can't be around me in my hard times then .... Are they even friends? idk.... But sometimes I'm thinking the complete opposite that I pushed these people away and it was disturbing for them...
But 😞. ..... I idk it is kinda comforting accepting that I'm alone and all by myself and I'm starting to like it.

Best wishes can always DM me if u wanna talk bout this maybe we can get some comfort sharing our burdens lol

I hope I helped :)
You definitely did my friend, thanks a lot.

It's amazing to find out who your true family and friends are when you've hit the deepest parts of hell in your life.

Those who stuck with you and help you battle through it, are the true ones.

The one's that turned away from you.... Well....
Yeah, I just feel really disappointed specially after all my parents and I did was give them everything, I always bought things for them and invited them to my house, my parents gave them money when they needed it, my father always made them food when they came uninvited and I spent countless sleepless nights working on group projects by myself. I thought I could trust them with my life, but I guess at least I won't have more leeches.
 
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Blue Dream

Blue Dream

Member
Sep 26, 2024
70
I couldn't CTB and I'm now facing some very very big consequences.

I've lost everyone I ever cared about, I lost all of my friends and my girlfriend in one night. Everyone around me just became bitter and no one wants to even fucking see me.

When I tried to CTB and failed I couldn't have imagined it would only get worse from there. I want to try again but now it's more difficult than ever with everyone weary of me trying something.

I'm just dead to people, I'm still here but dead in their minds. Kind of reverse CTB all the loneliness with no relief haha.

How can I get back up?, I don't really know where to start and reconnecting with the people I lost is out the question.
Were you expecting to be lavished with love and appreciation?
You usually don't go through with something like this without either failing to think once of the effect it has on others, or thinking about it and consciously ignoring it.
Why care for someone who showed they don't really care about what you think or what their actions do to you? Start by answering this before you try to approach anyone.
 
Cavalcade

Cavalcade

Member
Dec 16, 2024
42
I'm sorry that you've been experiencing this. The aftermath is dually devastating- having to deal with living through what was already deemed unendurable, and the radiating aftershocks of a failed attempt- I understand. I've been grappling similarly myself as of late. I think it's probably helpful to focus on yourself, at least in the short term- taking care of base physical needs, but also trying to be gentle with yourself, as you would with a friend or loved one that was going through something as difficult as this. The social isolation is painful, I know. I empathize. But if they've already been so hurtful to you- then I don't think it's unreasonable to choose to centre yourself in the immediacy, to help stabilize things until you are somewhat more functional, have had a moment to collect your thoughts and meaningfully make plans on how to move forwards. It's like how going to sleep usually gives you some clarity, even if it doesn't necessarily fix the problem, you know?
Were you expecting to be lavished with love and appreciation?
You usually don't go through with something like this without either failing to think once of the effect it has on others, or thinking about it and consciously ignoring it.
Why care for someone who showed they don't really care about what you think or what their actions do to you? Start by answering this before you try to approach anyone.
I think it's understandable that people in one's life would have a variety of reactions to finding out about a loved one making an attempt on their life. And unfortunately, you're right- often, the reaction can be harsh, critical- people often distance themselves, react with visceral disgust or anger, guilting the surviving party about 'not thinking about them.'

However, I think it's fair to say that most people who are driven to the brink are in sufficient pain that it might cloud their judgement- or, they might have convinced themselves that ultimately, in the long term, that it's for the better of those in their life. I know that when I've been in a very dark place, that I convinced myself even if my brother would be upset in the short term, that eventually, he would be better off without the burden and imposition I place on him, and it would make room for better, more worthy people to come into his life- that it would be a gift, to relieve him of the drudgery of dealing with a deeply mentally ill and unstable person. Of course, that isn't true. It would break his heart. It would devastate him in a way that would still hurt, years on, as he's endured similar loss and still aches over. He's expressed as much. But it's incredibly easy for a depressed person with little self worth to deeply persuade themselves of similar sentiments.

I don't think that everyone goes into facing down their own mortality out of callous spite, or indifference. I think a lot of people just can't bear being in such excruciating pain, anymore. And I think that there should be, ideally, some measure of empathy for that- especially from their loved ones. I know that I've held the same for people in my life. You love them, care for them- they mean something to you, you want them to still be in your life, alive. I think that its reasonable to hold compassion for the sort of agony a person must be undergoing if they think that death is their only way out of such intense, prolonged suffering- that it becomes a little more understandable, when framed in such a way.

Not all of the people in my life have been able to be as compassionate as that, but a very select few have- who love me, who have loved me through all of the messiness of struggling to grow up, cope- live. The people who have been there for me have done so because they understand it wasn't something meant in a malicious, or personally targeted way- it wasn't meant as a punishment. It was because I've been in so much pain, for so long- that it almost makes sense in a terrible, defeated way. That they aren't surprised, it'd been a long time incoming.

Of course, it's unreasonable to think that everyone would think that way- very few people do. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want the people in our lives to, if they cannot be kind, to at least not be cruel, in the wake of an attempt. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will be, or that we get what we want- but being compassionate to a loved one in pain, even if they've done something hurtful, isn't in of itself outlandish. People and relationships are complex.
 
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Blue Dream

Blue Dream

Member
Sep 26, 2024
70
Don't worry, I've been on this ride too.

Not saying those expectations aren't understandable or reasonable, I'm simply articulating what their perspective is probably like. Their reactions aren't great but they are understandable.

Consider also that they could be just really hurt and trying to protect themselves from more damage, especially in these times.

If the attempt was recent, all OP can do right now is give them time and space to process . After some time reach out and talk, maybe text if face to face is too much.

It's ultimately their decision whether they want to move past this or shut you out longer though. Prepare yourself for both.
 
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Cavalcade

Cavalcade

Member
Dec 16, 2024
42
Don't worry, I've been on this ride too.

Not saying those expectations aren't understandable or reasonable, I'm simply articulating what their perspective is probably like. Their reactions aren't great but they are understandable.

Consider also that they could be just really hurt and trying to protect themselves from more damage, especially in these times.

If the attempt was recent, all OP can do right now is give them time and space to process . After some time reach out and talk, maybe text if face to face is too much.

It's ultimately their decision whether they want to move past this or shut you out longer though. Prepare yourself for both.
That makes sense- your clarification is much appreciated.

It is unfortunate, but understandable. I agree with you, that it's likely for the best if OP gives those friends some time and space- and in the interim, focusing on self care would be a good move. Steeling themself for whichever direction things pan out is also sensible.

Again, sorry to hear that you're going through this, OP. It's hard- but I hope that you're able to find some measure of solace moving forwards. At the least, I do hope that talking about your situation on the forum helped: sometimes it's nice to just know that you aren't alone and that other people understand, have been where you are.
 
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