Discussion Im curious to know if anyone else would want to CTB in my very situation.

[OcularFear]

The resources I have at my disposal are very limited. At the most I could go to a department store but its high risk in my current situation. I live with my parents so I can't order anything online because they already know I'm suicidal and they usually open my packages when they come in the mail. I have about 2 months to CTB before I'll be forced to continue living. Ive got one shot at this, so I want anyone opinions on what is the most consistent reliable way to get the job done.

I'm already beyond saving at this point, for the past 3-4 years I've had horrific shadowy visions of eyes staring into mine, hands reaching to pull my eyes out, and to make it all worse I've been having to deal with someone speaking in my mind to me. I think sometimes he actually takes control of my body, I only think that because I have strange gaps in my memory, like I suddenly fall asleep and wake up somewhere else doing something else that I don't even remember starting. Sometimes when I'm alone all I feel like doing is laughing until, well, I don't know.

I'm afraid that one of these times I have another gap in my memory that "he" the guy who lives and festers in my mind, will hurt people I care about. I'd rather myself die, than to let my body be used to harm the people I sacrificed everything for just to see them smile.

Id rather they have to be sad about my death, than for me to have to be sad that what's supposed to be mine, what's supposed to be MY BODY, hurt them.

For the past few years it's been hard to look people in the eyes, every time I do, I get vivid visions of me, digging my fingers into their eyes, bashing their face in, stabbing their eyes with my knife. I don't know why, but people's eyes just make me so angry inside. It's even worse when I know they are looking at me.

I just need to die, I want to die, I just don't know how to die correctly.

Above I quoted a thread I made in the past, because honestly I don't want to retype everything, ignore the whole drinking and cutting thing as I've gone past that decision and am looking at better alternatives. But I'd really like to know, would you guys want to die too, if you had to deal with this as well? Keep in mind, it is something that I've dealt with every day for almost 4 years now, I hear things almost constantly, the only thing I can do to try and keep myself somewhat stable is to constantly distract my self with high intensity video games, television, or loud music. I can't really sit in a quiet room or sit outside and listen to the wind or the trees or birds and feel at peace, because although some people may find solice and serenity in silence, to me it just gives more space to the voice in my head to stretch out his cries of anger and frustration. I don't want to become him, but it's an inevitable reality that I know will one day come to pass, I'm running out of time and I know he will do something using my own body, that I won't even ever begin to forgive myself for, I can just feel it, I can feel him hating, sometimes I think I see what he wants, and it's not pretty. I think the worst visions out of all of them is when I see people's eyes, and then it just makes me feel so damn angry and I don't know why, there's no reason, I think it's his anger, and then I see it, me tackling them, holding them down as I push my thumbs into their eyes and I hear them screaming, but I keep pushing my thumbs in until suddenly, they pop, and then it goes back to normal, and I have to fight every instinct I have not to panic, and just try to let it pass.

Which is why I wonder, am I just weak? Or would any other human like me also be giving up and be trying to end their lives like I am?

 

[StarlightDreamer]

It's easy to say I would struggle to fight on. Even as a fellow schizophrenia sufferer, I don't know the intensity of your visions, and can imagine they're horrifying.

I completely understand why you desire rest. I fight a constant battle against my own health issues, and it's utterly exhausting. You're very strong to have endured this for four years.

Personally, I would still try my best to live with the hand that's been given to me. There's still the chance you can conquer "him", and banish him from your psyche. The right therapy, or the right medicine could do you wonders. But if you ultimately choose rest, I wouldn't blame you.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Well, it doesn't sound good, it probably feels really confusing and tiring. At one point I also had visions of a malevolent eye that was staring at me all the time, as if it was trying to pour over my mind and body, so that I would go insane and cause myself harm. I'm not quite sure what it is or what it wanted from me, but it's some sort of spirit or demon that appears to me (and others) from time to time.

 

[inneedrelief]

Seems like you have an evil spirit/demon attached to you or like possessed. I also have something like that. Um but I'll pray for you and the both of us. I'm sorry. Meds did not take it away but numbed me to it and took away enjoyment out of things etc but it can probably work for you. I also wanna die because of it but I feel like I can't because of god

 

[OcularFear]

Well, it doesn't sound good, it probably feels really confusing and tiring. At one point I also had visions of a malevolent eye that was staring at me all the time, as if it was trying to pour over my mind and body, so that I would go insane and cause myself harm. I'm not quite sure what it is or what it wanted from me, but it's some sort of spirit or demon that appears to me (and others) from time to time.

Thank you, it is slightly comforting I'm not alone dealing with at least the eyes, it's almost unbearable at some points, they just keep staring, like they are trying to get into my head. I've learned to ignore them as much as I can, but as I've described it, it's worse when I try to sleep, when I close my eyes or when I'm in the dark they just get worse, I see more of them, swimming in the edges of my vision or staring at me inches away from my face. Knowing I'm not so alone in a sense makes me feel like I'm not so crazy after all.

Seems like you have an evil spirit/demon attached to you or like possessed. I also have something like that. Um but I'll pray for you and the both of us. I'm sorry. Meds did not take it away but numbed me to it and took away enjoyment out of things etc but it can probably work for you. I also wanna die because of it but I feel like I can't because of god

I thank you for your prayers, although I do not follow religion very closely, I still find it to be a slight disruption of the turbulent whirlpool that is the endless battle I fight to keep myself as me.

 

[Abyssal]

What have you tried to seek recovery? Are you able to afford much?

It sounds like you are suffering from delusions and perhaps some level of depersonalization/derealization. Don't quote me on that, those will take a psychiatric evaluation to confirm. What I know is that these sorts of symptoms are usually more easily/quickly treatable than mood disorders, but I have not experienced it for myself. Perhaps you can bring this up in the recovery section, I'm sure someone has experienced similar and had gotten some level of treatment for it.

Thats what I'd do at least. Exhaust my options and if nothing work then I'll ctb. That's what I have done.

 

[OcularFear]

What have you tried to seek recovery? Are you able to afford much?

It sounds like you are suffering from delusions and perhaps some level of depersonalization/derealization. Don't quote me on that, those will take a psychiatric evaluation to confirm. What I know is that these sorts of symptoms are usually more easily/quickly treatable than mood disorders, but I have not experienced it for myself. Perhaps you can bring this up in the recovery section, I'm sure someone has experienced similar and had gotten some level of treatment for it.

Thats what I'd do at least. Exhaust my options and if nothing work then I'll ctb. That's what I have done.

Unfortunately I have tried, I talked about it in another thread of mine, but I couldn't get anyone to even give me the light of day. I even went so far as to try and get help from the county to get a therapist, but after that was a dead end and nobody contacted me and I heard not one word about it since then, i gave up, help is beyond me at this point, if I gotta fight tooth and nail just to get someone to listen to me, then I find it to be pointless. I no longer want to try and get help, because no one's shown me that they really mean what they say when they say they want to help. Also at this point, I have limited time left anyways, I have about 2 months before I won't be able to do anything. Unfortunately something happened, I didn't remember doing it and it concerns me, but it got me into alot of legal trouble. So before things come to pass, I'll end my life, so that way I won't be forced into a position that will make it anymore difficult to CBT. I need to die anyways, because if I did something so horrible and don't even know why when or how it happened and don't even remember doing it, then it means I am no longer in full control. I'm afraid of hurting the people I love. So I'll make sure they can't be hurt by me, by going far into the woods, and disappearing forever.

 

[Abyssal]

Unfortunately I have tried, I talked about it in another thread of mine, but I couldn't get anyone to even give me the light of day. I even went so far as to try and get help from the county to get a therapist, but after that was a dead end and nobody contacted me and I heard not one word about it since then, i gave up, help is beyond me at this point, if I gotta fight tooth and nail just to get someone to listen to me, then I find it to be pointless. I no longer want to try and get help, because no one's shown me that they really mean what they say when they say they want to help. Also at this point, I have limited time left anyways, I have about 2 months before I won't be able to do anything. Unfortunately something happened, I didn't remember doing it and it concerns me, but it got me into alot of legal trouble. So before things come to pass, I'll end my life, so that way I won't be forced into a position that will make it anymore difficult to CBT. I need to die anyways, because if I did something so horrible and don't even know why when or how it happened and don't even remember doing it, then it means I am no longer in full control. I'm afraid of hurting the people I love. So I'll make sure they can't be hurt by me, by going far into the woods, and disappearing forever.

When did you reach out for a therapist? I had a similar problem a while back, got put on some bullshit waitlist that never responded back, but found that I was able to get one by going out of my way to reach out later down the line. I'm curious to know if it was around the same time I wasn't able to get help either.

 

[OcularFear]

When did you reach out for a therapist? I had a similar problem a while back, got put on some bullshit waitlist that never responded back, but found that I was able to get one by going out of my way to reach out later down the line. I'm curious to know if it was around the same time I wasn't able to get help either.

It was about 9 months ago I believe, but I got nothing, and they even sent me a bill because it was after hours when I got in contact with crisis prevention. I haven't paid it, because honestly I don't give two shits about people who offered me a false sense of hope. I'll be dead anyways so they can ask for their money all they want, the only reason I agreed to talk with them was because I was under the assumption that I would get help. I was told someone would reach out to me within a week, but a week passed, nothing, then a month, then many more months, and I got absolutely nothing but a damn letter in the mail asking for money. I don't want help from people who ask me for money after promising help and then not even lifting a damn finger to even reach out. They are the kind of people I hate the most. You shouldn't give hope to someone just to rip it away. I remember feeling relieved, that I would finally, finally figure out what was wrong with me, I would finally, maybe be normal. Maybe even be happy. Maybe have a future. I felt like my world wasn't so small anymore, but the moment I realized no one was actually going to help me, I felt like an idiot trying trust anyone again.

 

[Abyssal]

It was about 9 months ago I believe, but I got nothing, and they even sent me a bill because it was after hours when I got in contact with crisis prevention. I haven't paid it, because honestly I don't give two shits about people who offered me a false sense of hope. I'll be dead anyways so they can ask for their money all they want, the only reason I agreed to talk with them was because I was under the assumption that I would get help. I was told someone would reach out to me within a week, but a week passed, nothing, then a month, then many more months, and I got absolutely nothing but a damn letter in the mail asking for money. I don't want help from people who ask me for money after promising help and then not even lifting a damn finger to even reach out. They are the kind of people I hate the most. You shouldn't give hope to someone just to rip it away. I remember feeling relieved, that I would finally, finally figure out what was wrong with me, I would finally, maybe be normal. Maybe even be happy. Maybe have a future. I felt like my world wasn't so small anymore, but the moment I realized no one was actually going to help me, I felt like an idiot trying trust anyone again.

That's probably being me to the point of suicide as well. I'm sorry

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Have tried to take any medication for that? Like an antipsychotic?
It sounds horrific op, I am sorry.

 

[OcularFear]

Have tried to take any medication for that? Like an antipsychotic?
It sounds horrific op, I am sorry.

I haven't, I wanted to keep it from my family and friends and I haven't had any chance to even try to get my hands on any because I was too busy trying to keep it a secret from everyone around me.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I haven't, I wanted to keep it from my family and friends and I haven't had any chance to even try to get my hands on any because I was too busy trying to keep it a secret from everyone around me.

I would try some meds before resorting to desperate measures. I am not a doctor but it sounds like you have schizophrenia.
I had hallucinations few times and they weren't anywhere near as graphic as yours. But still scared the shit out of me. It's nothing easy to deal with

 

[OcularFear]

I would try some meds before resorting to desperate measures. I am not a doctor but it sounds like you have schizophrenia.
I had hallucinations few times and they weren't anywhere near as graphic as yours. But still scared the shit out of me. It's nothing easy to deal with

I'm open to trying your idea, however im not in a situation that I have the option to, I've thought of it for a while and unfortunately I'm at my wits end, it's not because I believe I'm completely un-saveable, it's because I'm backed into a corner at this point due to circumstances around me, the only option I've concluded is the best one is to die, even if I get help I'll still live a shitty life without any potential. And that scares me the most. Living without potential. Id rather die now than be forced into an existence where I cannot fulfill my insatiable greed for knowledge. It bothers me when I don't know the answer to something, whenever I find myself without an answer it drives me nuts until I find it, and not having an answer about what's wrong with me has been something that makes me want to claw my eyes out at this point. At this point I don't even think I want an answer, I want to die so I can stop asking the question "what's wrong with me". I want to die, so I can sleep without being stared at by things swimming at the edges of my vision in the inky black. Even if I get medication and it works, that's not the end of my problems, I'm in legal trouble that has already ruined my life, it's why I have a time limit, before my final trial in March, I'm going to find a way to die. Id rather die than be charged for a crim I don't even remember commiting. I know I did it, I just don't remember doing it or why, the only thing I know is what I got from the investigator and the papers I was given, and the very few flashes of memory I do have of it. It's like I was asleep, and then woke up, but didn't even realize it? I can't tell what's going on exactly but I've had multiple theories. What I'm trying to say through all this, is that I'm fucked through and through. If I solve one problem, another one is gonna stab me in the back before I'm even a step into fixing it. After thinking about it all for a long time now, my best course of action is to give up, I've lost the game, to put it into simple terms, Im not in check mate yet, but no matter what move I make I will be, so I'm forfeiting the match before I even lose, because even I know when I'm beat, and when it's time to quit.

It's easy to say I would struggle to fight on. Even as a fellow schizophrenia sufferer, I don't know the intensity of your visions, and can imagine they're horrifying.

I completely understand why you desire rest. I fight a constant battle against my own health issues, and it's utterly exhausting. You're very strong to have endured this for four years.

Personally, I would still try my best to live with the hand that's been given to me. There's still the chance you can conquer "him", and banish him from your psyche. The right therapy, or the right medicine could do you wonders. But if you ultimately choose rest, I wouldn't blame you.

Honestly, that's something I haven't thought about.. this entire time the only thing I've been trying to do was keep him at bay, but expunging him from my mind? I don't even know if it's possible, it's gotten bad, to the point I just try to cope with it until the time is right, his voice just feels so real, so powerful, like it could shatter me from the inside if I'm not careful.